Trump shoes

“These sneakers are Melania tested. I can sneak in and out of the house at all hours of the day and she never hears a peep.”

At a National Sneaker fest in Philly Trump showed up to peddle more worthless Trump kitsch, this time America’s Coup hawking Carny-in-Chief was hawking clown shoes, Graceland gold clodhoppers that looked like they were assembled by prison labor who were all Trump associates.

If they weren’t designed by the Ringling Brothers why do they look like they were banged out for “Bozo the basketball player”?

And shouldn’t each pair come with a big round red foam nose? I will have nightmares envisioning thousands of white goose steppers goose stepping down Pennsylvania Avenue in their stupid gold sneakers on the 4th, saluting their Orange Fuhrer, in 2025.

A Trumper with Pee Wee Herman hair, and Pee Wee giddiness to match, exclaimed on Fox Fake News, "These shoes are connecting with Black America. Because they're into sneakers. They love sneakers. This is a big deal. Certainly in the inner city."

Let us join a Trump supporter watching at home who loves Fox News bullshit more than he believes Black America loves sneakers. “Ain’t that the truth! Black folks sure are into sneakers and nobody understands the black experience quite like Donald Trump! (insert racist stereotype about African-Americans here). They love sneakers almost as much as Mexicans love (insert racist stereotype about Latin-Americans here)! More than they love (insert racist stereotype about African-Americans here)!

Black America loves Trump sneakers almost as much as whites love baseball caps, especially the red ones with “Make America Great Again” written across the front. Those baseball caps connect with white America. Because they are into caps They love red caps, especially in rural America. They are a big deal. Certainly far outside the big cities.

As sales sink Trump’s pitch will grow more desperate.

“Wear these sneakers and hot women will think you’re a celebrity and they will let you do anything. I’ll throw in a pack of Trump brand Tic Tacs in case you get lucky.”

Hold out for Trump to throw in premiums to boost sales. “Each pair comes with a complete pack of valueless Trump digital trading Cards, a month’s supply of un-refrigerated Trump Steaks, your very own prison pen pal (choose from among hundreds of former Trump White House staffers), a half-opened bottle of Trump Vodka, an official criminal mug shot, courtesy of the State of Georgia and, if you order today, an Honorary Doctorate in “whatever field you can afford” from Trump University.”

“I’ve thrown them at the heads of aids, staffers, Cabinet members, Generals, Lindsey, Mitch, McCarthy… They bounce right off.”

“They’re classy. Makes them ideal for handling classified material!”

“The slip-on models are great for visiting friends in prison, which is something I will never do. Otherwise I’ll never get any work done after I’m re-elected!”

“My shoes are great for the active lifestyle of a Trump supporter, whether you’re waddling up the steps of Congress, kicking in office doors, marching in Tiki Torch parades or just sitting on your big ass in front of Fox News, 24/7.”

A recent poll of circus clowns suggest that 99.7% of circus clowns would not wear Donald Trump‘s “high top sneakers” even if they were called Donald Trump‘s “big top sneakers”.

Less than one percent of clowns would wear them, only if the clown was a hungover alcoholic children’s entertainer who had slept outdoors the night before, woke up missing his shoes, found the sneakers discarded in a dumpster and he was on his way that very morning to a child’s birthday party at a household where a Trump 2024 flag flew in the front yard.

“Where’d you get those Trump shoes Mister?”

“Whooo hooo! Happy Birthday! What’s it to you? Make America size 8 again!”

“My dad says those shoes are for Black people. He says Black people love sneakers. How come you’re wearing them?”

“To impress your mother. I hear she has a thing for black men with bad taste in shoe wear. What kind of balloon animal would you like?”

“A vermin! I want a vermin. Could you make a vermin? My dad says the border is crawling with them. I’ve never seen one!”

“Whoo hoo! I’ve never seen one either! Say! I have a riddle for you kiddies!What do you call little MAGA-Republicans?”

They all scream in unison, “What?”

“Maggots!”

“I’m the dad. What did you say Mister?”

“Nothing. Here, pop, have a toy A.R. 15! It’s a squirt gun filled with Lysol. Go have a blast. Later on, I’ll be handing out bear spray. The guy in the bear costume should be here any minute now.”

“I didn’t order a guy in a bear costume. I ordered a guy dressed like a Capitol Hill police officer for us to chase and spray and poke with these here flag poles. Hey, where’d you get those awesome sneakers? I want a pair!”

Seeing those stupid gold sneakers moved me to ruminate on other shoes I’d seen.

I thought of the shoes with threadbare soles scuffing across the Edmond Pettus Bridge to secure the right to vote.

The veteran’s boots I’d seen left at the Vietnam Memorial.

The heels, pumps, boots and flats worn by the fed up who marched by the millions when Roe v. Wade fell.

As you watch America’s demagogue, dedicated to dismantling democracy, hawk his stupid gold sneakers meditate on the patriots at Valley Forge who lacked shoes and bound their feet in cloth and their hearts in the promise of a Constitutional Democratic Republic.

As you watch America’s huckster of winking anti-Semitic hate hawk his stupid gold sneakers meditate on the ordinary shoes of the men, women and children that were piled high in the National Holocaust Museum to warn history.

As America’s wall builder and mass deporter hawked his stupid gold sneakers I thought of the small shoes I saw on the feet of the children of the asylum seekers when I visited Casa Alitas.

As he hawked his stupid gold sneakers it was clear to me what Trump’s truculent tribe needs is not a new pair of over-priced gold shoes. What they desperately need is to simply borrow a pair from the people they marginalize and hate and scapegoat and, as the cliche goes, walk a mile in another man’s shoes.

They won’t cost $399 but the experience will be priceless.