The official Articles of Impeachment against President Joe Biden

The unedited version hot off the desk of Speaker Mike Johnson

Articulls of Impeechmint aginst Presidint Joe Biden:

Joe Biden, Presidint of the United States did unlawfully, in violashun of the Constipation of the United States, commit the 8 following High Crimes and Miss Demeanors.

Article 1

Where ass Joseph Biden refuses to tell our Republicans investigators why we shud impeech him he stands accused of being an uncooperitive witness who is resisting our best effurts to make America Great Again.

Article 2

Where ass we suspeck Joe Biden of direct involvmint in the Benghazi Scandal, the Ukrainian Bursitis Scandal, the Chappaquiddick Scandal, the Teapot Dome Scandal of 1921, Hillary’s Emails Caper, the Watergate Scandal, the Afghanistan Bay of Pigs Fiasco, and addishunally we have compleetly deniabull proof that Joe Biden wuz seen by Abe Lincoln, a stone cold witniss, swimming in the Reflecting Pool with Gary Hart, John Edwards Wilbur Mills, Donna Rice and the Argentine Bombshell Fanny Foxe in 1974, and furthermore D.B. Cooper has testified he had seen old Joe skulking around Dealey Plaza on or about November 22, 1963, so clearly we got us sum questions we want answered pronto before the space aliens abduct anymore of us.

Article 3

Where ass Joe Biden’s dog, Commander, refuses to stop biting Republican visitors to the White House we are issuing a subpeena for his damned dog.

Article 4

Where ass Presidint Trump taught us that in politics even a hint of a wisp of a cloud of suspishun is a powerful campain tool and where ass it’s Christmas in Moscow and politicul show trials always put a smile on uncle Vladimir Putin‘s face and whereas our overstuffed Committee Chair Representative James Comer needs to take the heat off his own sorry ass shell company scandals by peddling BS about Biden let us heerby commense to dip our torches in oil, pick up our pitchforks and git this here witch hunt under way ergo e pluribus unum quid pro quo hey nonny nonny pax vobiscum tit for tatum.

Article 5

Where ass we can feel it in our bones there’s got to be a Linda Tripp sumwheres out there willing to rat out the Monica Lewinsky McGuffin hiding somewhere in bad boy Hunter’s closet and where ass Congressman Marjorie Taylor Green is onto old Joe Biden like Miss Marple on a Bundt cake and Representative Ron Johnson, the Inspector Clouseau of our Freedom from Reason Caucus, tells us he is hot on the trail of discovering overwhelming DNA evidence linking Presidint Joe Biden to one Hunter Biden, Joe may as well admit his goose is cooked.

Article 6

Where ass the Dow keeps heading for record highs all good patriots must stop the Marxist Socialite Biden Crime Family before they compleetly destroys Capitulism by wasting every billionare’s time by building up the wurthless lazy middle class this here Congress hereby is issuing a subpeena for Joe Biden’s pants pockets because we got a 6th sense there’s more than a pair of aviator sun shades, an inhaler and keys to a Corvette in there. Like a treasur map or that there DaVinci Code.

Article 7

Where ass Joe Biden has yet to produce NOT ONE danged birth certificate proving he wasn’t born in Hangar 51 in Glocca Morra under a devil moon to a banshee, the Presidint stands accused of shenanigans, malarkey, funny business, hanky pinky and assorted hi-jinks of a felonius nature—and just because there ain’t no smoke and there ain’t no gun don’t mean there ain’t no smoking gun. Sic Semper Tyrannasaurus Rex Matt Gaetz Got Um!

Article 8

Where ass we are dead certain, call it a hunch or whatevur fancy legal term you want, we know for a fack that Joe Biden, a shuffling drooling babbling senile silver alert who can’t put two words together is a sinister evil money laundering genius masterminding a global enterprise to defraud somebody somewhere, call it a hunch or whatevur fancy legal term you want, and where ass no one can accuse us of “engaging in vindictive, petty, parti-sand election year politics” and expect to git away with that slander without us “engaging in vindictive, petty, parti-sand election year politics” and where ass we believe no Presidint is above the law, unless that Presidint is Donald Trump; , and where ass we believe that the Presidint should respect the subpeena power of Congress, unless that Presidint’s intials are D.T.; we hereby, ergo ersatz and verily submitt these articulls of impeechmint to the floor of the House for a Vote.

And Presidint Biden best not try to illegally interfere with these here sacred Constipational proceedings by stirring up any mob of red flag Antifa actors to lead an insurrection against this here defibrillating body.

Signed,

Every last Republican in the U.S. House of Reprehensibles

Merry Christmas, America.

In Trump and Jesus’ name.

Amen.