Oh-oh-oh-zempic!

My take

After 30-years my Type 2 Diabetes was defeating my best efforts to control the disease.

My A1C numbers had skyrocketed into the zone where kidney failure and more heart disease were looming. My doc recommended Ozempic. I told him maybe trying the drug was worth a shot. I gave myself my first painless Ozempic injection last Friday.

This week, with disbelief, I watched my sugar numbers stair step downwards. Day by day. Amazing. I was overwhelmed with hope. I still am. This morning, one week later, I woke up and tested my blood sugar as I always do and the number on my little device was “101”.

“What?!” I literally shouted, waking my wife. “101” may not sound like much to a healthy soul but it was a stunning, transformative moment for me. Stunning. I tested again. Same number. It has been years since I have had a number that low. Even with decades of living with a restricted diet and pretending to exercise regularly.

I sniffled with pure joy, chuckled and danced around our bedroom, alarming my dear wife. I went outside, stood on our porch and sang to the sunrise.

Hours later I am still stunned at the transformation.

Along with my injection pen came instructions and cautions. These were the most noteworthy:

Do not use Ozempic if:

1. Your name is Kim Kardashian.

2. Your name is Sharon Osbourne.

3. You have no intention of shifting to a high protein diet and exercising at least three times a week.

4. You are allergic to self-discipline.

5. You don’t carry a purse, gym bag or wear a fedora. You’re going to need a barf bucket of some kind at hand until you learn to behave.

Before using Ozempic tell your healthcare provider:

• You’re willing to do anything for your prescription.

• You think your healthcare provider is a beautiful human being.

Ozempic may cause:

1. Novo Nordisk stock to skyrocket.

2. “Gaunt face”, a condition invented by Beverly Hills plastic surgeons which can be treated for thousands of dollars.

3. Novo Nordisk stock to split.

4. Chronic reading of grocery ingredient labels.

5. Chronic scanning stock exchange reports.

The 10 possible side effects of Ozempic:

1. Nausea and Vomiting and Diarrhea and Abdominal pain and Constipation.

2. Chronic dancing in place outside restrooms.

3. Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.

4. Renewed health.

5. Chronic bragging about loose slacks.

6. A spike in sharing Too Much Information about your plumbing.

7. The inability to answer the question “What’s new with you?” with anything but a weak smile.

8. Injection site reactions.

9. Reduced appetite.

10. Reduced appetite for reading possible side effects lists.

Additional lesser known side effects of Ozempic:

1. Nausea brought on by hearing the “Oh-oh-oh-zempic!” jingle. If the jingle persists change the channel. If you find yourself singing “Oh-oh-oh-zempic!” for more than eight hours see an ear worm specialist immediately.

2. Explosive terrors from reading the extensive list of possible side effects from Ozempic.

3. Chronic googling of the question “Can I eat (blank) with Ozempic?”

4. Persistent irritation with shallow, vain, lazy celebrities who cause shortages and supply chain issues for your life saving drug.

5. Projectile puking if you eat anything bigger than your big toe until you’re accustomed to the drug. If symptoms persist try eating miniature toy foods or tiny erasers shaped like bananas.

But, seriously…

I found the side effects I experienced easily manageable and I must repeat I found the injections painless. The needle is so tiny. It’s tinier than:

1. My shot at being a NASA astronaut.

2. A strand of Yak hair.

3. I know what you’re thinking, you very naughty children. Don’t go there. Ahem.

Ozempic is saving my life. Thank you, science.

Good health to you all in your health struggles.

Oh, yeah. In case you haven’t noticed I am not a medical professional, in spite of having played “doctor”, when I was seven, with the girl next door.

Have a beautiful day.