Live. This just in from Iowa.

The v-v-voters have sp-p-poken

And that's my report on the weather that voters had to contend with here in Iowa. Over to you, Paula, who is standing by, outside a gym in Des Moines, reporting live on the latest, Paula. Are you there?

Hic. Yesh, P-p-paula here, f-f-freezing my ash off. Hey, weatherb-b-boy, c-c-can you give ol’ P-p-paula here another dollop of that-hic-corn whiskey in my d-d-dixie cup?

Paula, what the Hell? What is going on? This is your producer in the van. Do you realize you're on a live feed?

Well, the v-v-v-otes have been tallied and as predicted these dumb asses goose-stepped right behind Trump. And once again I can't believe how shtupid these voters are. Hic. Damn it’s colder than a news p-p-producer’s heart out here.

This is your producer. You’re sauced and you’re live.

I d-d-don't care. Hic. I'm sick of freezing my ass off out here in America’s outback with these Godforsaken f-f-flatlanders.  It’s only the beginning of the year and I’m sick of it already. Hey, local weather clown, fill my d-d-dixie cup with another dollop of that corn whiskey. That stuff really warmsh the heart. Hic.

Cut her off. Cut her off now.

New York’s on the line. Hold off. Our m-m-metrics are spiking.

What?

She’s already gone viral. Our metrics are through the roof.

Hic. Know what I heard a v-v-voter say?  “I voted for Trump because he's the kind of man who does what he says he's going to do. What has Biden done?” Dumb as a b-b-brick. Are you k-k-kidding me? Does Farmer John think I’m a dumb ass FOX reporter? Pour me another sip, weather boy.

Paula. I’m out of whiskey.

Open another b-b-b-ottle. Can you believe these p-p-people? ”The kind of man who does what he says he's going to do.” Jesus. Really? Like what, Mr. Greenjeans? Build a wall and make Mexico pay for it? I asked Mr.Hee-Haw if he liked the way Trump insults veterans and gold star families. Know what he said?

We give up. What?

Called me a m-m-moron. Said, “My veterinarian voted for him. And that Gold Medal stuff was b-b-blown out of proportion.” Said the little woman still uses gold medal flour to make her biscuits for the church socials.”

Some kid has a live feed of this online that’s getting 18.5k..19k..21k hits.

Then he called me a libtard Marxist. Asked me if I liked being an “enemy of the people” and then Frosty the Snow voter said it again. “What’s Biden done?” I didn’t say, “Well, Mr. Iowa, he held N-N-N-ATO together. Turned the economy around. Put more people to work than at any other point in American history. And he’s reb-b-building our Infrastructure which is long overdue.” Know what this objective rep-p-porter said?

Soon to be ex-reporter.

I said, “thanks for your views.” Just give me that whole bottle of corn whish-key, barkeep. It’s colder out here than a T-t-t-exas Governor’s heart. Hic. Popsicles between the ears. What can you expect? Their brains are frozen solid. Hello! This place is a tundra with tractors. Their license plates should read, “Iowa: We're born here. We die here.”

Our ratings are dying here.

You know what Iowa ish? It's the N-n-nebraska of the Midwest. You know what the shtate motto should b-b-be? “The Cornfields and -Christ, it’s c-c-cold!-State.”

We should cut her off.

Naw. She’s auditioning to be Anderson Cooper’s partner for next year’s New Year’s.

She’s going down like the Titanic on national TV.

Sure! You’re both all nice and warm inside your shtupid van. C-c-cut me off. Whatsh the point? No one c-c-cares about the factsh. Hic. We report thish thing like it’s a horse race. Who’s ahead--instead of who’s ac-shu-ally using their head.

She’s got a point.

She’s lit like a torch.

Thish is the state that went for T-t-ted Cruz in 2-2-2016! Ted C-c-cruz! Trump wasn’t mean or shtupid enough for these—

Paula. This is your local weatherman here. Iowa born and bred. You know that's not true. There are good people here in Iowa.

I got yer weather right here, weather boy. The overn-n-night low happnesh to b-b-b-e the average I.Q. of the votersh here. Ash for yer “good people”--they're all at the b-b-bus station holding tickets for the state line in their frozen hands waiting for the bus to p-p-pull in. They g-g-got luggage marked “Anywhere but here.” Talk about a brain drain, soon as your farmer’s daughters and football players get their DUI paroles and their GEDs they haul out of here for the coasts you all hate so much. They’re just dying to get the hell out of here and go someplace that has sunshine, a bookstore, an intelligent conversation and a coffee shop. Give me some more of that corn whiskey. I know my careersh over and I d-d-d-on’t give a corn husk or a pig’s ear.

Your ratings just spiked. Through the roof. You’re bigger than OJ’s Bronco on the LA freeway. We’re not cutting your feed.

You got a caller on line one, Paula. Can you take this call?

“You bigoted ignorant liberal elites come here every four years to insult us like we’re all idiots in overalls. We’re not all hicks in the sticks, you arrogant..well, I can’t say what you are..but, I can tell you why I voted for Trump. ‘Cause he’s going to have you all shot.”

Shitck it up your c-c-corn silo, you b-b-book banning bumpkin.

You’re nothing but a radical left-wing Feminazi.

Backwoods bigot.

Open borders bimbo.

Small town Hater.

Hater from a big crime-ridden hell hole full of homeless addicts.

Paula, this our producer. Ratings are skyrocketing. I think we have the Point Counterpoint team for the 2024 race here, live on national TV.

Spreader of satanic manure.

Bullshit big lie believer. Climate change denying clodhopper.

Globalist Marxist for Soros!

Anti-Semitic hayseed for Hitler!

It’s 32 below. Go lick a pole.

Sit on that microphone of yours and spin.

Yokel!

City slicker!

Hillbilly!

Paula, cut for a commercial break. New York’s on line one. They want to renew your contract for a Prime-Time spot. And weather boy. More Iowa home brewed hootch. Put it on the tab.