It’s more than a week later and I can’t get Biden’s State of the Union out of my tiny head on this gorgeous spring day.

It’s more than a week later and I can’t get Biden’s State of the Union out of my tiny head on this gorgeous spring day. I really should be heading out to Catalina State Park to soak in the Elysian fields of golden California poppies. But instead, I’m googling Elysian and learning it’s where good souls go to die and with this head cold I caught at the book festival I’d welcome being laid—or is it lain? -to rest among the poppies on this day, a day that is as beautiful as a June day can be in March.

But it’s an election year and there’s no rest for wicked satirists. And when you’re a known wicked progressive satirist everyone wants to share their lamentations over the election with you and regurgitate to me the same news items I just read and then we’ll circle the doom drain over and over and I won’t have it anymore. I’m done with your bellyaching, whining and grousing. Well, at least the whining.

Biden’s speech was great. His Presidency has been amazing despite the last two years with the MAGA muppets pissing on the walls and smearing their Evangelical jelly everywhere. Good God, I’m 68 going on 1000 and I have no clue how the Energizer Biden keeps shuffling forward but I say more power to him.

Give granddad a hand here. Join your local party. Knock on doors. Volunteer. Don’t waste your breath on any Trumpalumpas.

Focus on your friends who are smug “independents” or considering a “protest vote” or a “third party candidate who speaks to me”. Tell them Fitz told you their dumbass protest vote or their pinheaded vote for a third-party candidate who speaks to them from Hangar 51 is a vote for the golfing Hitler. These winners may as well write-in “I’m a moron” on their ballot. Every election cycle “I’m a moron” gets 2% of the vote.

Donate. Every time you’re aggravated, ask yourself what have I donated? Anything? Ever? Have I ever contributed anything beyond my opinions? Have I chipped in anything beyond my two cents worth?

I’m convinced Biden’s going to win because Taylor Swift believes in him and she’s the Ruth Bader Ginsburg of this generation.  Or the Brittany Spears of our century. Speaking of brilliant women wasn’t the GOP response from Alabama Senator Katie Brittle Panties a hoot?

What a vision of Christo-fascist Hell Thanksgiving dinner at Senator Britt’s suburban home among the Spanish moss has got to be.

Let us say grace. Bow your heads. Everybody. I said everybody. EVERYBODY! Sit up, straight. Remember, you are the royal descendants of pageant queens!

What was that? You do not talk to your mother like that. Do not take the Lord’s name in vain! Honor thy mother and father!

What did you say? What? Oh, this is all bullshit is it?  Daddy, are you going to let your heathen son speak like that at the table? You are going straight to bed and then straight on to Hell, mister and you are b-b-breaking m-m-my heart.

What? For me? An Oscar for Best Performance by a—- what did you call me?”

No one loves time travel sci-fi less than me and the GOP response was the best. Really needed Rod Serling to do the intro.

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. Well, half a mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination, miscegenation, conflation, eternal damnation, and fascist flirtation, from the land of plantations, segregation and female subjugation. It is the swamp between lies and shadow, between grits and shits, science, and superstition, and it lies between Mar-a-Lago and the summit of one perfect wife’s political career. This is Trump’s nation. An area which we call the Twilight Zone.

But instead of taking in the poppies off the trail just up the road I’m cheering on you, my peeps, to knock off the gloom and doom. E-Day is coming and you are all pissing your pants and wringing your hands over debating, defeating, and dominating Trump and I am done with your blubbering.

This summer and fall, well, early fall, we’ll call it autumn, you are about to embark (Get the D-Day reference here, ya’ bunch of nervous nellies?) upon a Great Crusade, the Pro-Joe Jihad, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of the world are upon you. And Joe “laser eyes” Biden is watching you, too, through his cool aviators, when he could be sipping Ensure, eating toast with orange marmalade and watching Petticoat Junction reruns, but, no, he’s watching you whine, while he’s holding it all together, the economy, the world and Congress.

Like Ike once said, “Tina, the hope and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.” And by you, he meant Joseph Biden, not Tina. And Joe, you can count me in.

With our allies of the marginalized, our sisters-and-brothers-in-arms, you and I and Taylor Swift will bring about the destruction of the MAGA war machine, the elimination of their Handmaiden’s Tale tyranny over the oppressed peoples of America, including Texas and even the uninhabited planet of Florida.

Are you with me? Your task will not be an easy one. Your political enemy is dumb, totally bananas and harebrained, well-armed with Fox fake news and battle-hardened like feral zombies from eating Trump’s bullshit for years. He will fight savagely, and he will lose. There I said it. Dare to hope, ya whimpering sad sacks. Trump will lose. As surely as he will libel E. Jean Carroll again, he will lose.

Much has happened since Trump lost in 2020. Simon Cowell left American Idol, Elon Musk lost his elan and just yesterday Trump said, “Ish kabibble this is the thing and lambs eat oats! Bee bop a rebop, are you with me? Where am I? Covfefe.”

In the past 4-years the MAGA-nauts, Trump-anoids and Trumpletons have inflicted upon themselves great defeats, in electoral battle. Trump himself has seriously reduced their capacity to reason, to wage a winning race, to avoid incarceration or to gain any ground, save for in the polls. Our economy, our policies, our growing middle class have given us an overwhelming superiority to their hollow malarkey. The tide has turned, or will turn, or appears to be turning, or soon will turn, but turn it will. It’s up to you, you hand-wringing crybabies, you “Wah! He’s old!” worry warts. We, the freedom-loving, Taylor-Swift-loving Americans are marching together to victory in November!

Remember this. No bastard ever won the Presidency by lying to his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb orange bastard pay for lying to his country over and over and over and over and over again.

Or something like that.

Did Patton say that? No, but George C. Scott did and that’s enough for me.

Democrats, all this stuff you've heard about American progressives not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the mud, is a lot of horse dung. We American democrats, traditionally, love to fight. All real Democrats love the sting of battle, circular firing squads and taking the high road to loser town. When you were young, you all admired Walter Mondale, Mike Dukakis, Hillary and Bill, the champion shmoozer; Al Gore, the big-league nerd; John Kerry, the toughest wind sailor east of Martha’s Vineyard. American Democrats love a winner and will not tolerate a loser, with many exceptions. Democrats you have got to play to win this time. As George C. Scott, or maybe Randy Rainbow, or Joe Biden once said, “I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a Democrat who lost and laughed.” You tell’em Joe. That’s why Democrats have never lost, except when we didn’t win. And like Joe said, “You can’t love your country only when you win.” And in 2024 we will win. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Swifties.

I’d stop now and go hike among the poppies but I’m on roll because I googled “Patton’s movie speech”. You know, I pity those poor MAGA bastards we're going up against. We're not just going to defeat the right-wing neo-Nazi MAGA bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. Okay, maybe that’s carrying plagiarism too far, but you get the general idea. We’re going to outvote those lousy Fox News gobbling bastards by the bushel.

The MAGA are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their beer. Poke them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a year before was Roe v Wade, you'll know why we’re doing what we must do.

There’s one last thing I want you to remember. I don't want to any of you walking up to me saying that “Joe is too old”, or the campaign needs to do this or that to win more votes in November. Save that talk for your Kleenex or the suggestion box hanging outside your local Democratic Party headquarters. Better yet, walk in and introduce yourself as the James Carville of your neighborhood Cracker Barrel. Stop yapping and start cracking. Go here to find your path to actually helping the the cause:

https://www.facebook.com/WeArePatriots2

We will attack Trump constantly and we're going to hold onto him by the nose which is not easy because it’s greasy with orange bronzer, but we’ll use pliers from American hardware stores and we're gonna kick him in the ass. And not to fat shame, but hoo boy, we’re talking one hefty target on that messiah with a mullet.

We're gonna kick the hell out of him all the time, and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose-stepping Proud Boy just sentenced to twenty!

Alright, you wonderful Democrats, you know how Joe, Patton, Taylor Swift and I feel. Stop wringing your hands and start ringing the bell of Biden, ring it in the morning and in the evening. Hell, now is the time we have to bust our bells hammering our peeps to get out the vote all over this land.

Instead of enjoying some poppies on a sunny afternoon I am calling on each of you to make your mamas and papas proud, to sing a song of democracy in peril, a song of warning to our brothers and our sisters and all the other genders all over this land, to stop wringing our hands and wring the crazy bastard’s neck at the ballot box once and for all.

Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how George C Scott, the mamas and the papas felt, and how I feel.

I will be proud to lead you into the voting booth on election day, any precinct, any time before the polls close, to vote for Joe Biden, the next President of the United States of America.

Once again, the Facebook site for connecting you to ways to elect progressives here in Arizona. Stop bitching and get involved. https://www.facebook.com/WeArePatriots2