How Arizona’s legislature works when Republicans run the asylum

A farce in one despicable act

A dramatization of what took place in the Arizona Legislature on Wednesday, in response to the State Supreme Court’s ruling on Tuesday making a draconian 1864 law banning all abortion, except to save the life of the mother, the law of the land in present day Arizona.

Act 1

Republican Pro-Life lawmakers: We think this Court ruling making the 1864 abortion ban the law of the land is terrible! This time the Supreme Court has gone too far! This extreme law is out of step with what most Arizonans believe!

Democratic lawmakers: The law you supported and praised?

Republican lawmakers: Yes. Exactly. That despicable law!

Democratic lawmakers: Oh. Uh huh. And you were saying…

Republican lawmakers: That law is totally out of step with what most Arizonans believe! Why we oughta…let us at that law. We’ll tear it limb from limb..

Democratic lawmakers: Really? When has an abortion ban ever troubled you?

Republican lawmakers: Never!

And for one important reason. We’re a minority of extremists who are completely out of step with what most Arizonans believe.

But just because we all supported, pushed, bolstered, blessed, commended, endorsed, loved backed and prayed on the floor of this legislature on our knees for this law that’s not going stop us from denying we had anything to do with it!

And with a straight face.

We’re not idiots. We want to get reelected in November.

We just hope the voters are idiots. Let us at that law. We’ll take it out with one hand tied behind our backs. Put’em up. Put’em up. Let us at it! Let us at it.

Democratic lawmakers: You’re insane.

Republican lawmakers: Like that matters.

Our torch bearer, Kari Lake, is on tape saying she thought the 1864 law was great and as soon as it become law she called it too extreme for Arizona. If she can peddle that bullshit with a straight face so can every last one of us pro-life fanatics who are running for reelection.

If it saves one fetus we’d kill our mothers to make it the law of the land and still hold onto office.

Democratic lawmakers: You’re disgusting hypocrites!

Republican lawmakers: That’s beside the point. Hear ye, hear ye. We condemn this shameful abortion ban. We must address this terrible ruling immediately!

Democratic lawmakers: Great! We agree. Let’s take a vote to repeal the abortion ban. Now. Here! Today!

Republican lawmakers: Here? Today? We can do that?

Democratic lawmakers: Yes. Together we can do that right now. Today. The gavel is yours. We’re waiting.

Republican lawmakers: Oh, what the heck! Darn. One of our own just motioned for a recess.

Democratic lawmakers: Who?

Republican lawmakers: We give up. Who?

Democratic lawmakers: Who? So you don’t really want to vote to repeal the abortion ban? You just said this abortion ruling was too extreme to stand!

Republican lawmakers: Who did?

Democratic lawmakers: You did!

Republican lawmakers: When?

Democratic lawmakers: Just now. Unless not a single one of you spineless rattlesnakes has the courage to go on the record casting a vote to repeal this abortion ban that you find so troubling!

Republican lawmakers: We’re glad you asked. Bingo. Nope. Not a one. Listen you Godless Marxist baby killers, we need to end this session. We have work to do.

Democratic lawmakers: What? What could be more important at this critical moment than saving the lives of Arizona’s women ?

Republican lawmakers: Wow. That’s the Daily Double Jackpot question. And the answer is, for the win: Our political careers.

Listen, you Marxists and snowflakes, we have to end this session so we can do three things.

One. Slap a competing initiative on the ballot restoring the 15-week abortion ban we passed two years ago.

Two. Pray to God the voters go for our proposition instead of your total abortion Access Amendment.

And three, hit the campaign trail backpedaling on our abortion stands. We’ve peddled one big lie, what’s one more?

We’ll all claim to be as “disappointed, disturbed and troubled” by this “terrible” 1864 abortion ban as much as every woke feminazi snowflake in this state is. Despite our support for it. Which ended yesterday.

Voters never do their research. They won’t believe anyone could be that two-faced. Especially our base. They will believe anything.

Democratic lawmakers: You will have blood on your hands for the women who will die.

Republican lawmakers: Who?

Democratic lawmakers: You!

Republican lawmakers: Which women?

Democratic lawmakers: The women of Arizona who-

Republican lawmakers: Whuh-oh! I can see by the clock on the wall it’s time to skedaddle.

Democratic lawmakers: Isn’t that a gavel in your hand?

Republican lawmakers: Why yes it is! Whack. I move we recess for the day.

Democratic lawmakers: What? Do you not care about the women who will die! The women who are raped or the victims of incest who will be forced to-

Republican lawmakers: Who?

Democratic lawmakers: The women of Arizona!!. Because of this extreme anti-abortion ban that all of you are unwilling to repeal. Rght now.

Republican lawmakers: When?

Democratic lawmakers: Now! Today! Here. When you have the chance.

Republican lawmakers: Who?

Democratic lawmakers: You!

Republican lawmakers: Excuse us! Excuse us! We have the gavel and we have the business of the people to conduct here.

Democratic lawmakers: So you are going to-

Republican lawmakers: Recess for the day? You bet your backbone we are. All in favor of recessing for the day say, “Aye.”

Every Republican lawmaker: Aye, AYE, aye, yes! Aye, yup, aye, aye. Aye! Aye. Aye, aye, AYE. Aye. AYE, AYE, yup, yup.

Democratic lawmakers: But, you’ve done nothing. NOTHING.

Republican lawmakers: You’re wrong! We’ve all condemned this dreadful abortion ban that came from who knows where and when and how. It probably came from the Biden White House with the help of Chinese agents. And we’ve called on all of our fellow state legislators to address it immediately. Here. Today.

And as sure as O.J. devoted the rest of his days to tracking down Nicole’s murderer we will dedicate the remainder of our careers to tracking down whoever is responsible for this abomination of a so-called law. And we will bring them to justice.

This session is now in recess.

It’s time to party! Like it’s 1864!

The End

The following Pro-Life Pro-Abortion ban players will be on the 2024 Arizona ballot in November:

Sen. Justine Wadsack, R-Tucson

Rep. Rachel Jones, R-Tucson

Rep. Cory McCarr, R-Tucson

Sen. T.J. Shope, R-Coolidge

Teresa Martinez, R-Casa Grande

Sen. J.D. Mesnard, R-Chandler

Rep. Julie Willoughby, R-Chandler

Rep. Justin Wilmeth, R-Phoenix

Sen. Shawnna Bolick, R-Phoenix

Rep. Matt Gress, R-Phoenix

Sen. Shawnna Bolick, R-Phoenix

Rep. Kevin Payne, R-Peoria

Rep. Michele Pena, R-Yuma

Senatorial candidate Kari Lake, R-Arizona

Rep. Juan Ciscomani, R-Arizona

Arizona Supreme Court Justice Clint Bolick

Arizona Supreme Court Justice Kathryn H. King

References:

“These Arizona lawmakers are most likely to lose their jobs over the abortion ban” by Laurie Roberts, The Arizona Republic

https://www.azcentral.com/story/opinion/op-ed/laurieroberts/2024/04/11/arizona-abortion-ban-republican-legislature-lose-election/73292042007/

“2 justices who upheld Arizona's 1864 abortion ban are up for retention. Who are they?“ by Reagan Priest and Jimmy Jenkins, The Arizona Republic

https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/arizona/2024/04/09/arizona-supreme-court-justices-clint-bolick-kathryn-h-king-up-for-reelection/73264249007/