ASTEROID STRIKES CONGRESS DURING TRUMP'S ADDRESS; DESIGNATED SURVIVOR, SECRETARY OF HOUSING, URBAN DEVELOPMENT, ROADSIDE CARNIVAL "LOBSTER BOY" TAKES OATH TRUMP'S CONGRESSIONAL ADDRESS ANESTHETIZES NATION: Fact Checker’s Head Explodes On News Set, causes Studio Mayhem Melania Announces Online Anti-bullying Campaign, First Lady's performance hailed as ironic comic genius by Philomena Cunk TRUMP HINTS AT PRIVATIZING SOCIAL SECURITY Mentions building moneymaking "Gaza resorts with Del Webb feel" 87% OF SELF LOATHING MILLIONAIRE CONGRESSMEN WISHING THEY'D HECKLED TRUMP AND GOTTEN CENSURED NEXT DAY LIKE CONG. GREEN
UNDER TRUMP DOW PLUNGES, “ANTIQUES ROADSHOW” APPRAISERS VALUE UNITED STATES AT $39.95, MOCKING wah wah wah TROMBONE HEARD
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Traditional Main Stream Media thrown out of White House Right Wing Lapdogs to cover Putin's Lapdog for MAGA lapdogs GOD DENIES TIES TO DONALD TRUMP, ISSUES "NO FURTHER COMMENT" Satan schedules Press Conference, Hitler, Stalin to attend PRESS ACCESS TO TRUMP OFFICIALLY RESTRICTED TO LICKSPITTLES backpacks to be prohibited, "Bring your own mouthwash, knee pads " TRUMP MAKES FINAL OFFER TO ZELENSKYYY "rub tummy, pat head 3 times while saying Sorry" and it will still be "No, no, no. I'm Putin's lil' ho!" Driest Winter on Record, Javelina Tears selling for $127 an ounce Tarantula overheard talking to a quail. "If there's a God may whoever is poisoning coyotes on the east side be struck by a falling saguaro."
Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau resigns, Trump responds “Trudeau using tariffs to stay in power”
UNITED STATES BOWS TO RUSSIA, UNCONDITIONALLY
SURRENDERING ALL CYBER DEFENSES TO LONGTIME FOE
For Record Dry Winter, Trump Tells Arizonans
"Inject Jergens Moisturizer into Your Veins"
RFK JR ADVISES CITIZENS TO WEAR ORANGE LATEX PAINT ON THEIR FACES AS SUNSCREEN ALTERNATIVE; "WORKS FOR DONALD!"
ELON: "STATUE OF LIBERTY TORCH GOING
DARK WOULD SAVE BILLIONS. BESIDES HOW IS A
WOMAN RELEVANT IN OUR WORLD?"
TRUMP CALLS STATUE OF LIBERTY A "6 AT BEST"
Not "my kind of gal", "Another DEI loser"
Elon suggests "statue of Donald in NYC harbor
with thumbs up, made from crypto coins"
Putin hosting Annual Oligarch Balcony Diving Competition Trump to share Zelenskyyy's lunch money and front teeth with JD, North Korea and Putin Putin celebrates America's King of the Kleptocrats Kow Towing to Kremlin by cracking "knowing" winsome KGB smile while shoving opponents off balconies China says it is ready for 'Any type of War' with US; Kari Lake asks Jackie Chan to lead Arizona Cyber Ninjas into Battle Dry Winter about to give way to "Season of Kindling" "Dark sense of humor" cited in polls as key to surviving tough times; "That and enough money to afford morphine and decent healthcare" FEDERAL JUDGE ORDERS TRUMP TO VACATE OUR NATIONAL CONSCIOUSNESS IMMEDIATELY, FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN MORE HEADLINESS
LOL Kari Lake--what a has-never-been!
More headlines to wish for:
Trump and Putin found in an embrace in WH restroom
Ukraine announces a secret weapon by using it on Moscow Denies any US material used in it.
Kremlin has no response since it no longer exists.
Ramzan Akhmatovich Kadyrov claims to be in charge of the former Russian Federation Sues for peace with Ukraine Chechen Republic takes former Russian seat at UN
Sec. of Defense Peter Hegseth found with showgirl not his wife Drunk outside PX at Joint Base Andrews Deputy Sec. Def. unaccounted for since last month
Elon Musk suffers severe injury from his chainsaw No safety glasses found Seeing Eye Dog Requested with Musk on DOGE waiting list run by Koch Industries List is based on references from 50 former staff members No official listing of Musk injuries
RFK Jr. states small pox is a minor skin irritation Apply calamine lotion, available only from Trump Industries Perdue Pharma division and hope for the Best
Funeral directors offer RFK Jr. Special Sale on their services 20% off until one year after he leaves gov service
Pres. Trump announces full control of Panama Canal from bottom of a lock Mysterious lock failure opens all lock gates and Gatun Lake fills lock section with water headed to the Pacific
Search continue for Pres. and his staff and six cabinet officers
New President Charles Grassley (Former Pres. Pro Tempore of Senate) asks for help mowing lawn at Iowa residence, regrets lock mechanism failure in Panama, vows to stay safe like an Iowa cornfield Led into home by wife using a walker
Ukraine considers requests from Oblasts extending to Ural Mountains to be annexed into Ukraine
China reports another year of record economic growth and Properity Taiwan becomes 52nd state of US.