Fitz Stats

Your November fact sheet

Percentage of white Christians who voted for Trump: 68%

Percentage of white Christians who voted for Trump who are going to burn in everlasting Hell: 100%

Percentage who think that’s not funny: 68%

Percentage who never read the Bible: 68%

Percentage of Sun City residents who will “proudly” claim they voted for Trump when he deports undocumented workers: 100%

Percentage who will claim they never voted for Trump when he cuts Medicare: 100%

Proportion of dentists who agree Robert Kennedy, Jr., will be good for business: 9 out of 10

Percentage of Trump voters who believe Lincoln said “government of the game show hosts, by the game show hosts, for the billionaires shall not perish from the earth, which we know is flat.”: 53%

Percentage of Trump voters who believe Lincoln said something: 100%

Percentage of Trump voters who believe MSNBC is a form of Multiple Sclerosis you can catch from watching liberal news networks: 100%

Odds that the United States will survive the Trump presidency intact: 1 out of 10

Odds that Trump will survive the Trump presidency intact: 10 out of 10

Americans who say they have given up watching the news: 93%

Who say they’re surprised they’re in a concentration camp for political enemies the following year: 93%

Number of cardinals I’ve seen in my backyard this week: 5

Number of Saddlebrooke retirees who claim they could have taken Mike Tyson in three rounds: 28

Number of minutes snow lasts on Mount Lemmon before it melts: .05

Largest number of coyotes I have seen in my neighborhood lately: 10

Largest number of cougars seen in my neighborhood bar: 3

Average age: 76

Percentage of newcomers, who asked to see the pears on the prickly pears: 3%

Percentage of newcomers who believe me when I tell them that tortillas are edible napkins: 0%

Percentage of Tucsonans heading to northern Arizona for Thanksgiving: A bunch

Percentage staying here for the holidays: A buttload

Tucsonans having a chimichanga for Thanksgiving instead of a turkey: Me. Thanks for asking.

Number of Californians who moved to Arizona every day in the past decade: 173

Percentage who describe saguaro cacti as “gnarly dudes”: 100%

Percentage who describe javelina as “totally gnarly punk ass porcupines”: 100%

Cost of a traditional holiday dinner this year for 10 people: $53.38

Cost last year: $51.89

Cost in 1620: A steady hand with an axe

Number of undocumented immigrants with criminal records according to Republican House Speaker Johnson: 3 to 4-million

Number of undocumented immigrants with criminal records according to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement: 662,566

Number of times the Police will be called to quell domestic quarrels over the Thanksgiving holiday: 3 to 4-million