Cookie and Gomez and ICE

David W Fitzsimmons

Jul 26, 2025

What are you reading?

Morning newspaper.

What's that?

It's words and letters and pictures printed on cheap pulp once a day and delivered to your driveway.

No, what are you reading? I swear your IQ is the overnight low in Heber.

Tim Steller.

He’s good.

He’s the local paper’s Mike Royko crossed with Fareed Zakaria with a dash of. Molly Ivins. Dude never sleeps. He’s actually three clones.

That explains the bylines.

Did you read Steller's column this past weekend talking about easing border patrol hiring standards?

They got standards? I thought all you needed was forepaws, the ability to slither into a mask and the cold blooded conscience of a rattler.

Are you done?

No. “Former SS officers need apply. Bonus for those with morals lower than their socks.”

In his column Tim tells us why we can't lower the border patrol hiring standards. Some fools think we need to fill the ranks ASAP and drop standards to allow apes and other simians.

With all the stories about the bad apples getting busted I agree with Steller. Tell me, if the border is the quietest it’s been in decades what is Trump’s 34 billion dollar ICE army going to be doing besides rounding up illegal migrants? And who are all these concentration camps for?

The real criminals. Groundskeepers and maids.

They’re the worst.

Almost as terrifying as the real homicidal gangsters. Housekeepers and farm workers. And then there are the murderers and rapists: The nursing home workers and the house builders.

Not to mention the medicaid recipients who’ll be working off their debt by picking crops.

Monsters.

There are 56,000 people being held right now in his shit hole concentration camps. Know how many are actually criminals? 28%. At the very end of Tim Steller's column, he says the really spooky part out loud about ICE.

What’s that?

"There is no need to give them any help as they ramp up the agencies that may be used against us in their project of political cleansing.”

Cleansing?

Cleansing is the right word. You know that’s coming.

Cleansing? Like “Ethnic cleansing”-only political?

Only political. If you aren’t MAGA watch your back.

If you are MAGA you should watch your back. Those dumb asses have no clue what they’ve unleashed.

ICE is budgeted for 4 times the funding the FBI gets!

So they’ll be four times the size of the FBI?

What will Donald Trump’s 30,000 extra storm troopers do?

Hm. I wonder…Let’s see..ICE is a boot stomping paramilitary force designed to do one thing: kidnap unarmed people to terrorize an entire country into hiding. I suspect they’ll start kidnapping dissidents.

They already have. Did you see the help wanted ad online?

No.

I’ll read it to you. Do you enjoy using excessive force on unarmed strangers? Couldn’t hack it in the military? Don’t have what it takes to get into REAL law-enforcement? Like to dress up like your favorite “Call of Duty” avatar? Have you longed for a career where you can carry a combat weapon around in American cities? Do you think you’d like being called an “asshole” and a “son of a bitch” by your fellow citizens? Do you dream of participating in an activity that the overwhelming majority of Americans are disgusted by?

Is that it?

There’s more. Is one of your hobbies making children cry? Do you enjoy breaking up families and sending some migrants into hellholes and some to their deaths?

I’m in. Where do I sign? Don’t look at me like that. I’m kidding!!

There’s more. When you run out of immigrants to bust will you enjoy rounding up your fellow American citizens? Are you able to work in loud environments where people are shouting things like “I have rights” or “that’s my husband- what are you doing, you evil bastards?!”

I have bad hearing. I’m perfect for the job.

There’s more. Do you find these kind of exchanges with these criminals satisfying because you’re working for the greatest President in our history, ridding our beloved homeland of vermin and blood poison? During the second world war Hitler’s killing units didn’t want to kill all those Jews, gypsies and partisans but they had to do it, for the Fatherland, because they were patriots. We are looking for Patriots just like that, willing to follow orders and do the unpleasant work necessary to preserve the purity of the United States of America. Are you a patriot who loves America? Do you know as little about our history and constitution as President Trump? Do you agree that the most oppressed minority group in our country is the white male Christian citizen?

I’ll be right back.

Why?

I have to puke.

Wait. Our rigorous training schedule rivals that of the rigorous training Russian recruits undergo 12-minutes before their shoelaces are tied and they’re airdropped into the Ukrainian front. We’ll hand you a semi automatic weapon, a Kevlar vest, a helmet and our official instructional manual written personally by President Trump himself. Topics include “Rough ‘em up”, tips like “how to slam their heads against the vehicle roof as you throw them in the back”, “How to cuff them so it hurts and sends a message” and much, much more.

I really have to…urp… excuse myself. I got to retch-

And the best part is you have no identity. You are a completely anonymous public servant serving the homeland! No one will know who you are or what you do except for your family—and they will be so proud of you and grateful a knuckle-dragging thug like you is out of the house and beating up innocent strangers instead of your kids.

Where’s the restroom? I don’t want to barf in my hat.

By the jukebox. There’s more. Sign up today and 40 years from now when your grandchildren ask you what you did back in 2025 you’ll be able to say you terrorized your fellow Americans for a fascist dictator who nearly destroyed this great nation.

I’ll be back…

I’ll leave a tip. Meet you out back. I hear ICE is on the way.