Biden and Trump have agreed to debate

Here is all you need to know about the upcoming debates.

Here is what you need to know about the upcoming debates.

1. Memory loss is common for this age group. They will forget facts, why they walked into the room, and names. I do. I’m looking forward to this debate between Steve and Whatsisname more than you can imagine.

2. Often when I forget why I walk into a room my wife is my essential psychic mind reader. That is why the debate rules should permit Dr. Jill Biden and Melania to whisper in their husband’s hairy ears.

3. No Trumper will change their fossilized, mesmerized, zombified mind just because Biden proves Trump is a terrifying moron, which he will. We have a proud history of electing morons who were the stellar un-intelligentsia of the right. If intelligence mattered Adlai Stevenson, McGovern, Dukakis, Kerry, Gore and Hillary would have won their Presidential contests in a landslide. They didn’t. They lost to morons. Americans prefer morons. Unless they’re terrifying morons like Trump. Then it’s a crapshoot, with democracy on the line.

The first debate will air on June 27 on CNN and be broadcast from an Atlanta studio without a live audience.

Biden said he would participate with strict rules in place about behavior, enforced with microphone muting controls and electric shock collars. Biden also agreed to a venue featuring only the candidates, an “Ensure” protein beverage vending machine, the two moderators, their media consultants, voice coaches, emotional support animals and makeup artists.

Trump has called for a very large venue "for excitement purposes.” Whatever that crazy request means. The Roman Colosseum with lions, flaming hoops and tiger pits?

The presidential debates are guaranteed to draw tens of millions of viewers. Or as Trump would say, billions of viewers from across our entire solar system and even beyond our galaxy. “As far away as Texas.”

Strategists with GEDs say there are risks for both candidates, men who are locked in a tight race  with age spots and who share a gift for generating low enthusiasm among voters who often respond to polls with “Really? Him? Again?”

In breaking news we learned 2 defibrillator crews will be present for both debates along with the two soon-to-be-overwhelmed moderators and the two aging muppets vying to be Commander-in-Chief.

Anchors Jake Tapper and Dana Bash will moderate CNN's June debate. (Trump immediately agreed because he thought Bash and Tapper were the names of two WWE Smackdown Superstar Wrestlers.)

Television news channel ABC said it will host the second presidential debate on Sept. 10. That debate will also take place in an audience-free studio because it’s likely one of the debaters will be debating from a prison cell block by phone.

You know who.

ABC's debate will be moderated by Katy Perry and Lionel Ritchie or anchors David Muir and Linsey Davis. Does is really matter? If either debater wins the golden buzzer he will not go on to Hollywood to compete in “Washington’s Got talent”.

Here are the official rules (which read like my 1040 tax form): “To participate, CNN and ABC will require debate candidates to appear on a sufficient number of state ballots to reach the 270 electoral vote threshold and if after adding line 3a to 6b you  receive at least 15% in four separate national polls of registered or likely voters you must deduct one podium from one or more debates.”

Kari Lake is already appealing the rules to the Hollywood Supreme Court arguing CNN and ABC have rigged the process. “Once Trump is in the slammer I’ll be the best choice for the Party’s nominee. I’m already a proven winner. I’ve won my race for Governor and Senator and I can win the White House in 2025.” Chief Justice Simon Cowell issued a brief statement. “WTF.”

Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr said in a post on X, Y and Z, that the portion of his brain that has not been devoured by a brain worm will meet the criteria to participate in the CNN debate before the June 20 deadline. Unless that criteria is modified to insist candidates must possess an intact brain. In the past this has been a dealbreaker. At this point it remained unclear if RFK Jr could qualify for a round of dodge ball. In a related development a new poll shows 73% of brain worms would vote for Kennedy’s brain in a three-way race with Trump’s brain and a mushy turnip.

The rivals disagree on what the limits on skin bronzer and aviator sunglasses should be and what the terms of engagement should be. Whether or not nerf guns, slapping, depantsing or eye gouging will be permitted are still being negotiated and pending any new indictments, gag orders, rape charges, libel suits, slander suits or contempt citations you may as well pack for Canada, prep for civil war with confederate flag waving lugnuts or contemplate believing in miracles.

There’s one more factor to consider. Cardiologists say there are risks for both candidates, but specifically for one who has a great appetite for double patty cheeseburgers with buffalo wing smoothies and licking raw pork lard out of tubs with his orange fingers.

Biden’s aides think debates could hurt Trump by exposing his neo-Nazi insane Hitlerian fascist idiocy to voters, an idiocy that they regard as a political vulnerability.

I know what you’re thinking. Really? In today’s America? It’s a “political vulnerability” to be a neo-Nazi insane Hitlerian fascist idiot? As Yoda once said to Forrest Gump, “Cease wonders never do.”

This is because Biden’s aides have no clue that half the entire country already knows Trump is a Hitlerian idiot and would follow him into a burning barn even if he had horns, a cycloptic eye, four legs, and lit roman candles hanging out his corpulent blowhole.

Biden’s aides think the debates can be used to highlight Biden’s historic record of remarkable progressive legislative, economic, environmental, taxation and infrastructure achievements with voters. These are the same voters who think Batman is real, North and South Carolina fought each other in the Civil War and Fortune Cookies are spooky.

Trump’s aides see Biden as prone to verbal slip ups that could amplify voter concerns about the 281-year-old president's age, overlooking the fact their candidate, Trump will be 278 by the time the first debate is held and could have voted for Genghis Khan if he’d been three years older. Any aide who thinks anyone in America is unaware these two geezers are wheezers need tweezers to locate their brain cell.

When former President Trump and Biden debated twice during the 2020 race their first match escalated into a shouting match which disappointed viewers like me who were hungering for greater depth, the depth one can find only in a red-faced cheek stinging bitch slapping contest.

Oh, what times they were.

For the second debate, moderators conceded they would bitch-slap the first candidate who interrupted the other candidate across the shnozzola with a ice cold halibut. Unfortunately, the candidates behaved civilly. This was disappointing, again, because civil discussions that are evidence-based are real snoozers.

A third debate was canceled after Trump tested positive for COVID-19, syphilis, VD, dementia, bone spurs, and Gonorrhea and spent three minutes in a hospital until Putin offered to buy cocktails at Sardi’s.

This time around Trump accepted Biden's proposed June and September debate dates, while also seeking additional debates. In a Truth Social post on Wednesday, Trump proposed a WWF Barbed Wire Death Cage Matchup on Fox News in October, moderated by Mike Tyson.

The Biden team turned down Trump's invitation for more debates citing Biden’s well documented conviction Trump is a colossal asshole: https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4647058-trump-biden-race-gets-nasty-when-they-go-low-lets-get-lower/

A separate vice-presidential debate has been proposed for July, after the Republican National Convention which, according to recent reports, will prove unnecessary since Kari Lake announced as well as being the Republican Party’s presidential nominee she will be Trump’s vice-president and she has already claimed victory over Vice President Kamala Harris.

May the best man remain upright and coherent.