Your Friday Fitz Fix

Today's short takes

Today, rather than writing and posting a full column I’m taking a brief tutorial one-on-one class on taxes from the Arizona Department of Revenue downtown.

Have a seat, sir. Why are you so happy to be here? We don’t often see-

I couldn’t be prouder!

That’s wonderful, sir, but please don’t kiss me again. I’ll call security.

Sorry, Mr. Limpet, but I’m so happy to be here. I didn’t mean to step on your abacus. You see, thanks to my growing list of generous and supportive readers I have prospered so much from my writing I had to get my very first “Business License” ever! And that’s a big deal because anytime I’d argue with a righty they’d say “You’ve never owned a business. What do you know?” Now I can tell ‘em what I know. They can kiss my tax-paying-

That’s wonderful, zippy. Calm down, sir. Get off my lap, sir. Let’s begin your tutorial on form TPT-2377-Z1a677-jaja-7474838973999-01. Open your laptop and go to the Arizona Department of Revenue website and sign in, sir.

--And I can’t believe I get to pay a modest “sales tax” on my astonishing income this year! See these socks? Brand new!

And I can’t believe you haven’t been committed to a psychiatric facility.

What?

Nothing, sir.

And this is my very first year! My first year! I’ve already got 3500 subscribers!You should subscribe. Just go to davidwfitzsimmons.substack.com today and you can read about what’s coming Sunday, upcoming Fitz appearances, my Hero of the Minute and a hilariously tasteless guest column.

Get off my lap, sir.

Coming Sunday:

My column this week will be “Dear Democrats, stop wringing your hands and whining!” When I read it aloud my wife Ellen laughed. That’s a good sign.

Memes

I will be producing more memes because I love memes. I love them so much I’m studying tutorials on photoshop when I should be napping. To me they speak the modern language of satire far better than cartoons.

Coming in June:

Help Legislative District 17 kick Justine Wadsack out of the Arizona Legislature and turn it BLUE! How? By attending LD 17’s “2nd Annual Drag Queen Fundraiser”. Hell’s bells I may make a public appearance for this one--maybe a little standup. Watch this column for more info.

Mark your calendar for Wednesday June 26 for both a matinee and an evening performance featuring the wonderful Lucinda Holliday, Justin Deeper Love and Lady Ashley at “Unscrewed Theater”, a venue I adore!

Ticket Price:  $75 paid in advance via Act Blue.  Link to be unveiled as the date gets closer!

There will be 5 exceptional raffle prizes for each show, plus a "Lunch with David Fitzsimmons" prize! Individual or group, either is fine! Odds are it will be a sketchy affair! Get it? “Sketchy”!

Governor Hobbs

My Hero of the Minute:

My hero this week is Governor Katie Hobbs. A lifetime ago I honored the award-winning University High Chess Club’s fame with a cartoon declaring that “nerds rule.” (When I visited schools I would talk about my own nerd-dom, reassuring my fellow freaks, geeks and nerds that they will one day rule the world.) The cartoon generated a furious backlash from the kids and their peers, weary of being called names.

Governor Katie Hobbs is a nerd. Like retiring Councilman Steve Kozachik. Two public servants who actually do their homework, study the issues, respect the facts and empathize with the marginalized. Public servants who are rational and in possession of a strong moral and ethical center. These nerds are heroic to me, freaks and geeks in the political world, a world dominated by bullies and dunces. Here’s to you Katie Hobbs for saving us from our legislature of bullies and dunces. Instead of “VETOED” your stamp should read “NERDS RULE”.

And now this guest column:

Every once in a while, I’m going to feature a local writer and this week it is my good friend, Dave Kleinman, who sent me this tasteless, disgusting, vulgar, adolescent and hilarious column that resonates with his geezer because I just made an appointment for my semi-annual probe and I do prefer to laugh to keep from crying. (Crying out the names of past lovers.) It is uncensored so read it aloud at the top of your lungs.

AARP Man Goes to the Doctor

By Dave Kleinman

Getting old sucks balls!

Now I am not saying turning the pages of the calendar and ticking off the days until I’m worm food is a bad thing; No, I’m ranting about the inevitable process of my bodily functions grinding to a stop and becoming as useless as my appendix (which is currently residing in a jar at the UMC teaching clinic). This is always brought to the forefront of my mind when I see my doctor for the joyless festival known as “Yearly Physical Exam”.

With slight exaggeration here is the conversation between my doctor and me, along with the required digital probing and squeezing of my ball sack.  I should note that my doctor of 40 decades recently passed away and I have yet to see my new doctor, so this conversation will be a reminiscence of our last time together.  My doctor being a few years older than me and in terrible health.  Brad was an ex-smoker, morbidity obese, lead a sedentary life and was easily the finest general practitioner I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  His passing marked a distinct decrease in the medical conscience and compassion in this world.

Me sitting in the waiting room: “If I don’t get seen in the next 5 minutes I am going to piss my pants. Doc wanted a urine sample and the last time I was here I stood in the bathroom until my feet fell asleep trying to squeeze out 2 ounces of piss.  So, this time I drank 2 gallons of water and five cups of coffee so I could fill the cup, but if they don’t give me a cup to fill soon there’s going to be a water hazard on this hole”

Receptionist: “Mr. Kleinman, the doctor wants you to have a blood draw. Can you go back to the lab now?

Me: “Fine but since my eyeballs are floating, is it alright with you if first I take your trashcan into the bathroom with me and fill it up?

Receptionist: Total silence.  Hands me a small plastic cup.

Me: (inside my head) “What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Put it on my head as a hat while I water sprinkler the bathroom like the fountains of Trivi” What I actually said, was “Thank you”.

Inside the exam room: Doctors assistant, “Mr. Kleinman sorry for the 2-hour delay but the doctor is very busy today.  Could you please disrobe down to your underwear and put this gown on, but don’t tie it.

Me: “I’m commando today, so Brads in for a surprise”

Assistant: Total silence.  Hands me the gown.

Me sitting in the exam room:  Open all drawers and see what doc like to keep at the ready.  Tongue depressors, tissues, Vaseline, and rubber gloves. (things are going bad for me today) Look at all the posters of diseases that I will eventually get. Pamphlets for the drugs that I will be taking for those diseases. Illustrations of what my organs will look like after I take all those drugs.  Thrilling.

Doc: “Hi ya David, good to see you again”

Me: “Can’t say the same, but at least we’re not at the hospital with you leaning over me”

Doc: “Come on David, things can’t be that bad.  You are still young, in great shape and you still have most of the bodily parts you started life with.  So, drop your drawers and bend over the table.”

Me: “Slow down Romeo!  Buy me drink first, tell me I’m pretty.  Don’t you want to kick the tires before you look under the hood?

Doc: Ok, so how are you doing?  Keep it short I got 30 more patients to see in the next hour.”

Me: Here’s the Reader Digest version.  My short-term memory is shot, Prevagen is worthless as tits on a nun. I sleep like a man on death row who has an appointment with Edison tomorrow and my boners are like butterflies.”

Doc: “Your boners are like butterflies?”

Me: “You know, they flutter into the room unexpectedly, stay for a few seconds and then leave, never to return”

Doc: “You want some blue pills?

Me: “No, it will just take me longer to jerk off”

Doc: “So how are your bowel movements?

Me: “Best part of my life!! You could time them with a Swiss watch.  Wake up, stretch, make coffee, drink coffee, get something to read and sit on throne.  Sometimes three times a day.  It’s like my honeymoon except with turds.”

Doc: “I’m concerned that you have multiple evacuations each day.  It can be unhealthy to have that many movements each day.”

Me: “Can you let me have one win? It’s one of the few parts on me that still works correctly.  I got to have something to be proud of.

Doc: “All right how about nocturnal urinations.  How many times each night do you wake up, get out of bed and go to the bathroom?

Me: “Just the times that I get out of bed or all the times that I pee during the night?”

Doc: Staring at me unamused. “Is nighttime urination becoming a problem? Once awake can you start a stream?

Me: “Sure not a problem, but I do have to sit down to pee”

Doc: “Is urinating while sitting easier for you?

Me: “Not really, it’s more about the fact that I turn into a Water Wiggle at 3 am.  My dick is pointing straight down but my piss shoots out at a 90-degree angle and hits the toilet paper roll.”

Doc: “I see on your paperwork that you consume alcohol every day.  How much do you drink?

Me: “Depends on how much is in the house. I try to always leave some in reserve, but life can be hard.”

Doc: “I think we are done here, except for the digital exam. Remove your underwear and lean over the table.”

Me: “I figure this was like a prom date, so I didn’t bother with underwear, only slows down the sequence for the evening. Is it OK if we open the door?

Doc: “Why do you want the door open?

Me: “Well the last time this happened to me I was in a Turkish prison and the door was locked, so it felt kind of forced.

Doc: “Get out of my office”.

See you all here on Sunday morning.