Verily, blessed are the Woke....

And the hecklers

The owner of the club said, ”Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage our headliner, the one, the only, Jesus Christ!” And lo, the audience applauded and Jesus placed his hand over his heart saying, “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, so be sure and tip your wait staff!”

And lo, the crowd went wild.

And the Lord scanned the room, smiled and placed his hand over his heart, and said, ”I was a stranger and you invited me in!“

And the crowd went wild. And lo, from the darkness of the back of the club, a heckler shouted, “We don’t need your woke ‘invite-the-stranger-in open-borders bullshit here!” And lo, the heckler wore a red MAGA cap, a “Jesus is Lord” T-shirt and a giant cross around his neck.

And lo, the audience booed the heckler and the heckler shouted, “That’s right! I’m a proud Christian Republican! You all heard me. All this woke bullshit is destroying us!” and lo, a bouncer gestured and the heckler grew still and Jesus pointed to random people in the audience, saying, “I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me.“

And the crowd applauded. And the Lord was back in the groove and lo, he was killing. And the heckler did shout once more. “Shove your socialized medicine! More woke bullshit right out of Jerusalem’s gate! If you need clothes get a Goddam job! Where’s a Roman Centurion when you need one to arrest this Marxist! Lock him up! Lock him up! Come on people! Lock him up!”

And lo, no one joined the chant.

And Jesus smiled, saying, “I was in prison and you came to visit me.” And lo, the audience applauded the Lord’s comeback and the heckler sank back in his seat and Jesus was able to finally begin his set, saying his famous tagline, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven!”

And again the crowd went wild.

And the heckler did rebuke Jesus, whispering to a couple seated nearby, “The only reason they’re poor in spirit is because your woke bullshit agenda is keeping America from being great again! You and the Jews.”

And verily the Jew on stage ignored the heckler as one might ignore tinkling brass or a braying ass and verily the Lord spoke, saying, “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

“Snowflakes! Crybabies!”

And lo, the crowd did rebuke the heckler and Jesus did grip the microphone with His left hand and with His right hand Jesus pointed at the heckler in the dark, waited a beat and verily he spoke, saying, “Love thy enemies.”

And lo, the crowd cheered. Christ was on a roll. “-And let he who is without sin cast the first stone!” and the crowd did ooh and ah at that one and Jesus spoke, saying , “Blessed are the meek-,” and then he paused, smiled and delivered His punchline. “-for they shall inherit the earth.”

And the heckler guffawed. “The meek? Those woke pussies? They’re all lamb-to-the-slaughter losers. The meek are fools! The Blacks, Jews and Mexicans are out to replace us all and your woke meek morons are not standing up for America! Jesus Christ! You’re a carpenter! Build a wall! Build a wall!”

And lo, no one chanted along with the Trumper for verily the people had heard that one before.

And the heckler gave up and shouted, “Make America great again!” And verily he sat back down in the dark from whence he came.

And Jesus spoke, saying unto the angry crowd, saying, “Love your enemies,” and the MAGA heckler sayeth unto the Lord, “What about the Jews? They’re the enemy of- “

From the back of the club a bouncer yelled ,”The man on stage is a Jew, you moron!”

And lo, the heckler turned and shouted back at the bouncer, saying, “No he ain’t! The man’s name is Jesus Christ. His last name is Christ. That ain’t a Jew name!”

And the Lord did roll His eyes, saying, ”Meshuggeneh,” and He ignoreth the man as one would ignore a tinkling cymbal, and verily, once the crowd didst settle down, Jesus spoke, saying, “Brothers and sisters, hear the Word of the Lord, hallowed be His name. Give us this day our daily bread.“

And the crowd cheered and lo, they could barely hear the heckler shout, “Woke socialist giveaways. Woke socialist giveaways.”

And lo, Jesus was killing. “And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” And the crowd cheered more. And lo, Christ, smiled and spoke, saying, “And lead us not into-“

“Marxism! Your woke bullshit is leading us straight to Marxism! You’re just a woke Marxist libtard funded by Soros, out to destroy this great Christian nation!” And lo, a thunderclap was heard outside and the room fell silent, and verily, Jesus delivereth His punchline,“ And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil! And false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but are ravenous wolves!”

And the heckler mumbleth, grousing, “I worship our Lord and Savior, Donald J Trump, and not your woke bullshit!”

And gazing upon the heckler with unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness Jesus spoke, saying, “Blessed are the merciful.” And lo, some booed and Jesus held out his hands as if embracing his audience, saying , “For they shall receive mercy.”

“Where’s your mercy for Trump? Your retribution is coming!”

And lo, the people began to feel sore afraid of the heckler and the audience did rebuke the heckler and throw drinks at him and a bouncer named Angel went to and fro searching in the dark for the heckler and he couldn’t find the heckler for lo, the heckler had headed for the restroom. And verily, the heckler came upon a non-gender specific bathroom that had a diaper changing table in it and the heckler did decry it as “woke bullshit” and verily, the infuriated heckler, drunk as a braying ass, returned to the club’s showroom screaming, ”Have y’all seen the woke bullshit bathrooms back there? Perfect for groomers!”

And Angel the bouncer gestured at the heckler and lo, the heckler shut his trap. And Jesus spoke, saying, “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see-”

And lo, the heckler whispered to those nearby, “That Donald Trump is the one true living messiah! His truth is marching on! Hang Pence! Next to Judas! Hang Pence! Next to Judas!”

And Jesus did glare at the heckler until he was silent. And Jesus looked up from the stage into the blinding spotlight above Him and spoke, saying, “Blessed are the pure in heart. For they shall see God.”

And the crowd stood and gave Jesus a wild standing ovation.

And lo, Angel, the bouncer and the Club manager got in the heckler’s face and the heckler saw God, so to speak, and the heckler zipped it. Jesus gestured at the club manager at the back of the club and spoke, saying, “Blessed are the peacemakers. And you know who you are. For they shall be called the children of God.”

And the club manager gave him a thumbs up. And the crowd went wild. And Jesus was on a roll, saying, “Blessed are they who—“

“They? THEY? What is with all this woke pronoun bullshit? They, them, their, it, what… what a bunch of woke garbage!” And lo the crowd was sore afraid of the heckler who had become unhinged. “Bunch of perverts and deviants… out to turn all our children into homos… and drag queens! In our schools no less!“

And Jesus spoke in a loud voice saying, “Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled!”

“-with 30-rounds from my AR-15. You’re all a damned bunch of woke America haters.” And lo, Angel and the club manager told the heckler in the red MAGA hat to leave.

And Jesus spoke, saying, “Blessed are they who-’’

“ -who are persecuted?” the heckler shouted as Angel grabbed his arm. “Like the Blacks are so persecuted, right? Have we ever gotten a thank you for all the benefits they got from being enslaved by us?” And lo, the club manager who was Black grabbed the heckler’s other arm and verily, thunder could be heard outside the club.

Jesus continued, “Blessed are they who-”

And as he was leaving the heckler shouted, saying, “-who are persecuted?! That would be us right here. Persecuted to death by your goddam left-wing LGBTQ woke agenda.”

Jesus closed his eyes, remembered to love his enemies and continued on with his set, saying,“Blessed are they who-”

“-are persecuted by the woke socialists, Jews, homos, drag queens and trans perverts who control everything! The same woke Hollywood fascists who killed Christmas!”

And Angel and the manager shoved the “Christian Republican” heckler out the exit and the crowd did boo and cheer.

And then Jesus spoke, saying,“Blessed are-“

The heckler could be heard shouting in the lobby, “-those of us who are persecuted for Donald Trump’s sake! We’re taking back the White House in 2024!”

And lo, the crowd applauded the final exit of the heckler and Jesus spoke , saying, “Blessed are…” and Jesus waited until the room had grown quiet and held out His hands as if to embrace His audience, saying, “Blessed are… they who came out tonight!”

And the crowd went wild and the crowd did stand and Jesus spoke saying, ”Love thy neighbor! Do unto the least, as you would do unto me! Tip thy wait staff and drive safely!” And lo, they gave him a standing ovation and Jesus bowed and ascended to Heaven and the house lights went up.

And lo, everyone got in their vehicles and headed home for the night and verily, the heckler got into his Ram Dodge truck with its “Christians for Trump 2024” decal, its gun rack, Confederate flag decal and “Make America Great Again” bumper sticker. And lo, he headed home to watch Fox News, say his prayers and secure in his unquestioning faith, fall sound asleep, beneath his giant poster of Donald Trump gazing Heavenward above his bed.