Trump in Hell

The Reception Desk

You may think it’s Arizona because it’s hot as blazes, but it’s not. You’ve entered Hell to witness the arrival of a famous man.

Welcome to Hell, Mr. President. We hope you enjoyed your trip.

You’re fired.

You can’t blame the DEI hires at the FAA for your rough ride courtesy of the Grim Reaper.

I fired him, too. Read my post. Why is he still here?

You had a long evil life and now that incredibly charmed evil life is over. Deny you are in Hell all you want. Facts are facts here in Hades and the fact is you are in Hell. And we have good news. Lucifer is here. He came up from the depths of Hell, Management, to meet you himself.

Mr. Trump.

Lucy? Lucifer? Loser? Who is this loser?

He wanted to check you in personally. He hasn’t visited the front Desk in person since Hitler.

Call me Lucifer.

I don’t know any “Lucifer”. I don’t know any Satan or Lucifer. I never heard of any such person. Jeffrey Epstein Hitler who? I never heard of him. That is not me in those pictures with anybody there. I never was anywhere.

I see, Mr. Trump, on your scroll you have been sentenced “to roast in Hell for eternity”.

Fake news. Where’s Murdoch! He’s got to be here. This can’t really be Hell! Where’s my security?

Mr. Donald John Trump.

That’s me. Is this some kind of “Spirit Halloween” pop up prank? Nice warehouse, AOC! Seal Team Six will rescue me, from your Deep State Hellscape. In 24-hours I’ll be free. And eggs will be cheaper.

Quiet, mortal.

No one talks to me like that. And this is not Hell. I know Hell. A lot of people who are here were in the Deep State. Haters. Terrible people. You know I once tried to buy Hell, but your losers botched the deal. Could’ve been the new capital of the 51-United States of Whatever I’m thinking at any given moment. I call it the United States of Mind Weave. Why would I be in Hell? Everybody knows I love my landlord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am as Christian as Marjorie Taylor Green and I should have been the next Pope, but the Cardinals thought differently. The Cardinals are my favorite team.

You are naked, standing in Hellfire, and your wisps of hair have burned away. You are in Hell. Tighten his chains.

Yes, your Wickedness.

Oof. Ye-ouch. Listen Lucifer. Can we talk upgrades? This dump could use some AC, some atmosphere, a little glitz. Is it always this hot? I like what you’re doing with the stalactites. Very Vegas yet very real. Where’s the golf course? You know we could make a deal… we could develop this property. I’m talking to you…the tall guy with the horns. Hey you.

Your deal making days are over, Mister Trump.

My deal making days are just beginning—what was the name? I didn’t get the name. Let me write your number on my horn.”

Lucifer. L-u-c-i-f-e-r. Listen, Donald J. Trump, you the accused, have been judged, condemned and cast down into Hell. You are number 004547-2039-UU666. Move along. We are admitting thousands today. Next.

Who’s running this bum’s rush?

Your former Border Czar from back in your second term. He’s condemned to eternal Hellfire.

I hear sizzling. Is that smell of cooked bacon me?

Yes, Donald.

Well, I’ll be damned.

Yes, you were.

Any vacant lots here in Hell zoned for redevelopment? I’ve only been here for less than a minute and I have got ideas for property upgrades you are going to love. You won’t believe what you can do to this place. Did you see my Gaza plans?

Just one of your 176,453,455 mortal sins, each one meriting eternal hellfire. To be served consecutively. Take away the condemned.

Come with us down to the River Styx, sir. Time to atone.

Watch the chains. Where’s my phone? I can’t post! I can’t post! Jesus Christ this is Hell. Well, prepare to be sued for defamation, Mr. Lucifer. And crew. And be forewarned, sir. My legal team has gone to Hell and back for me before. Half are still down here. Have you ever seen the Hell that is a Manhattan courtroom? Wait until you start getting the death threats and hate. I’ll cut your funding! Is there a Federal Department of Sulphur and Brimstone? I’ll sign an Executive Order and it’ll be gone. Bing. Bing. Bing. You’ll cave.

Take him away.

Where are you taking me? Watch the chains. Where’s my Roy Cohn. I got a right to due process. I got a right to due process. I got a right to due process…

Lucifer, thanks for coming up. We’ll take it from here.

Keep up the evil work.

Thanks. What did you think, boss?

To think I thought Hitler was a remorseless sociopath.