Tony Soprano on Three Arraignments
"Donny, you boom botz, this is 45-pages of pain."
Across the high hedges in an upscale New Jersey neighborhood two neighbors are talking.
“Psst. Tony.”
“Yo, Donnie. What’s up? I thought you would’ve made yourself scarce by now. Lammed outta here. Whats the matter? Putin won’t take you?”
“I just got arraigned. Again.”
“I know. I read the indictment. It’s online everywhere! Meadow printed up the PDF for me. 45-pages! Have you read it?”
“No. Only thing I ever read was ‘Apprentice’ scripts and my marriage vows. They were on little cue cards.”
“Read it, you boombotz! Here’s a link!”
“Why should I read lies?”
“Read it.”
“Tony, there’s nothing to their case. This the Deep State coming after us because I’m ahead in the polls.”
“Us? They’re coming after you, not us, buddy boy.”
“They’re coming after all of us when they come after me.”
“Nice try, Crazy Town. Your mobs never materialized in front of the courthouse. You got no juice. It’s all on you, Donnie. Your entire scheme is laid out step by step in this indictment! It’s a ‘How-to’ on how to overturn an election by lying and using fake electors and intimidating state officials and clogging the Courts with crappola. And Giuliani. Loser’s a baccalà. Why did you keep him around? And when all else failed you gave the Feds a goombah’s guide on how to use mob violence to hold on to power. What were you thinking? Even Don Corleone was never that dumb.”
“It’s unfair! Tony! Their case is a fraud. The DOJ’s been weaponized by Joe Biden.”
“Oh. The ‘Mastermind’ you call Sleepy Joe?”
“That’s the one. I tell ya Biden’s diabolical, Tony. Whaddya expect from the most powerful crime boss of the most corrupt crime family in our nation’s hsitory! They’re power hungry. Tentacles like you can’t believe. Hunter will stop at nothing.”
“Bullshit, cafone. Worry about yourself, Donnie. You are looking at 641-years in the pen if these charges all stick.”
“How many?”
“At least 641-years in prison, up the river, in the slammer, in the can. You know, locked up. With no more Big Macs.”
“No more Big Macs? This is serious. But I tell you it’s all lies, Tony. They’re all lies.”
“What about these January 6th charges, Donnie. What did the judge say?”
“She said no witness tampering.“
“This Judge means it, Donnie. Cross the line you’ll do the time. Capiche?”
“What? She’s talking to me like I’m some cheap two-bit mobster!”
“Exactly, you boom botz. You’re a repeat offender. This is the big one, Donnie. You’re the John Gotti of American Politics. The prize. And you got to keep your trap shut.”
“Oh, so it’s a crime to persuade an American juror you’re being lied about it? Free speech! I got the right to free speech.”
“You stoogatz! Witness tampering is not free speech!”
“You don’t know from witness tampering. If you trust the jury system you’re a fool, Tony. Know what kind of a jury I’ll get in DC or Georgia? Nothing but moolanyan and they’re all out to get me, Tony.”
“And I thought I was a racist googootz. You are a sick man, Donnie. You need to see my shrink, Donnie. You’ve lost your mind.”
“I’ve lost my mind, Tony? I’ll tell you what’s on my mind. The White House. The voters who love me and who love this country will send me to the White House and I will pardon myself and I will free the political prisoners of January 6th and I will weaponize my DOJ to punish my enemies and I will fire thousands of civil servants and replace them with loyal MAGA Republicans and I’ll neutralize the media and I’ll close down the FBI and I’ll purge the sick political class that hates our country. And-”
“My Carmela’s right, Donnie. You’re a fascist. And I’ll say it again. You’re boombotz in the head.”
“Get outta here.”
“You know what happened to Mussolini? They strung him up like a salami.”
“What side are you on, Tony?“
“I’m on the free side of the prison bars here, Donnie. When you’re sent away and your house goes up for sale give me first bid. Deal? Hey. What’s that beeping sound?”
“It’s not what you think. It’s a gift.. from Melania.”
“That’s an ankle bracelet.”
“It’s a musical charm bracelet thing. I got to get back to the house.”
“It’s a musical thing? I just hearing a beeping sound like some kind of alarm.”
“Yeah I need to have that looked at. ”
“See you around. First dibs on the house.”
Brilliant!!!! Thank you!
I will not be satisfied or relieved until Donnie is indeed in prison, up the river, in the slammer, in the can. Great satire, David! You are definitely on a roll this week! Thank you so much for keeping the troops rallied.