The Week in Headlines I'd like to Read
Edited for clarity by David Fitzsimmons
ICE Murders Innocent Woman in Minneapolis
MAYOR OF MINNEAPOLIS SAYS “@#!”; WHAT ENTIRE NATION IS THINKING IN RESPONSE
“WHAT SHOOTING?” NOEM CLAIMS ICE DOES NOT EXIST, “EYEWITNESSES CRAZY”, “SEEING THINGS”
RENE GOOD, MOM OF 3, AWARD-WINNING POET, PATRIOT, ASSASSINATED, “FLAGS ORDERED TO FLY AT HALF STAFF”
Trump’s Announces New Doctrine: “Might makes right”, “Like Charlie Kirk said to Jesus in my Bible.”
Arizona groundwater disappearing, giant agricultural mega corp agrees to suck less, to use plastic straws
Erika Kirk and JD Vance mourn Charlie Kirk’s passing “our own way”
THE NEW REGIME RULE: DISAGREE WITH TRUMP YOU WILL BE SHOT
I DECIDE WHAT’S “MORAL”, LIKE “SHOOTING STUPID UNARMED DISSIDENTS WHO ARGUE WITH ME”
Erika Kirk and JD Vance’s hug went viral, seen hugging again on Route 66 in Kingman, Barstow, San Bernadino
Right Wing “Tool” Tony Dokoupil Cries on Air During Second Disastrous Night Anchoring CBS Evening News
Widow Erika Kirk, JD Vance seen sitting in a tree, “k-i-s-s-i-n-g”
MAGA-vetted Tony Dokoupil Heard Soiling Diaper on Air, 3rd Night Anchoring CBS News
Trump Blurts Out Dark Truth: I’m a “demented hateful lunatic and all I want is Greenland, Gaza, Hitler’s Generals and Melania’s love”
Tony Dokoupil Cries in Bari Weiss’ arms During 4th Night Anchoring CBS News
Trump withdraws US from dozens of treaties, groups, “and all waste-of-time interplanetary beauty pageants”
Every Grammy-winning musician backs out of Trump-Kennedy Center show Spring lineup
Protests grow over ICE shooting in Minneapolis
TRUMP ORDERS ICE TO SHOOT EPSTEIN FILES
Protests grow over shooting of protestors in Minneapolis, NYC, Phoenix, Portland, San Francisco
Trump: Feds “Acted in Self Defense Against Domestic Terrorists” in Miami,Pittsburgh, Memphis, San Bernadino, OKC, Tucson and Tucumcari, Tehatchapee, Tonopah, Kingman, and even Barstow
Protests continue to grow over shootings of “Domestic terrorists” in Spokane, Chicago, St.Louis, Philly, Baltimore, Atlanta, El Paso
TRUMP DECLARES “STATE OF PHENOMENAL BIGLY EMERGENCY”, CANCELS ELECTION
Every Living Entertainer Withdraws From Trump-Kennedy Center Lineup to Protest Black Velvet Paintings of Bullfighters hung in Lobby
ICE “Acts in Defense” Against '“Hordes” of two 90-year old “Domestic Terrorists” armed with “lethal walkers”
ICE ACTS IN SELF DEFENSE AGAINST PAIR OF “RADICAL ANTI-FA’ MINIATURE POODLES; BLIND OWNER “IMPEDING FED AGENTS”
ICE AGENTS: WE ACTED IN SELF DEFENSE AGAINST SECRETARY NOEM’S PLASTIC SURGERY, “HER CHEEKS KEPT SWELLING”, “HER SILICON FACE JUST CAME AT US”
TRUMP TO REPLACE NOEM WITH “DUMB AS BRICK” HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER FROM CASPER, WYOMING; 2025 STUDENT BODY RODEO QUEEN, “LOOKS GOOD IN HAT”
That’s it for this week. Thank you for laughing maniacally with me to keep from crying. Ever onward, dear readers.
Because there’s nowhere else to go.
Fitz.
It appears that a sick and demented mind is the sole moral compass of the President of the United States of America.
I'd rather J.D and Erika spend time embracing than gaslighting the public.
One I’d really like wake up to: “Trump chokes on Big Mac during late night Truth Social rant, world leaders relieved. ICE disbanded, Cabinet and advisors sent to prison in Venezuela. Funeral service to be held during halftime at FIFA World Cup, internment on the 5th fairway at Golf ‘n Stuff under the windmill”