The trial of Luigi Mangione comes to an end

And the jury deliberates their verdict

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“De mortuis nihil nisi bonum”

( Of the dead, nothing but good is to be said)

Americans have anxiously waited for this verdict for years and years.

We now join the jury deliberating their verdict in the trial of Luigi Mangione, charged with killing United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, back in 2024.

The jury’s foreperson, O.J.Simpson, stands at the head of table where the other 11 jurors are seated. He speaks to his fellow jurors.

”Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is time to render a decision. Let’s go around the table. Kyle, how do you find the defendant?”

Kyle Rittenhouse: Guilty. As guilty as you were, O.J.

Ted Kaczynski: Miserable puny hypocrite. You shot three protestors, killing two of them. And the jury acquitted you. You went free just like O.J. went free! Evidence didn’t matter.

Kyle Rittenhouse: And you deserved what you got for sending bombs to all those innocent people, you deranged-

Ted Kaczynski: Oh shut up. No one is innocent. No one. Not a soul on this jury. Read my manifesto!

Kyle Rittenhouse: I don’t have a year to kill reading your drivel.

O.J.Simpson: Kyl! Ted! Can you two, chill? The world is waiting for our verdict.

Kyle Rittenhouse: Yeah, chill, Ted.

Ted Kaczynski: Murderer.

Kyle Rittenhouse: It was self defense! Fox news said so. And unlike all of you I was standing up for gun rights! I was taking on the radical left. (Starts crying) Don’t you watch Fox? Luigi Mangione’s just another woke liberal (sob) who hates capitalism and America.

O.J.Simpson: That’s one “guilty”; two “not guilty”. What do you say, John Wilkes Booth? SHould Luigi Mangione go away

John Wilkes Booth: I have studied the facts of the case and in spite of the overwhelming evidence I say Mr. Mangione is not guilty of murder. He is only guilty of being a patriot for a lost cause. Sic Semper Tyrannus!

Kyle: What?

John Wilkes Booth: Thus always to tyrants.

Ted Kaczynski: He said it after he shot Lincoln in cold blood, Kyle. Mr. Booth, you deserved to burn to death in a barn.

John Wilkes Booth: And today I am despised and Lincoln is beloved. Who knows how history will treat Luigi Mangione or Brian Thompson.

O.J.Simpson: Thank you, Ted Kaczynski, how do you find the defendant?

Ted Kaczynski: Not guilty.

O.J.Simpson: What’s your verdict, Dillinger?

John Dillinger: Mangione ain’t guilty of popping the palooka in the back—in spite of the prosecution proving he was clearly guilty of popping the palooka in the back.

O.J.Simpson: What?

John Dillinger: I am voting to nullify. I say we free the mug. He’s a folk hero. Like me, Bonnie and Clyde and O.J. here. America loves gangsters. The rebels. The bad boys. Especially if they’re smokin’ hot like I am. Everyone fantasizes about doing what we did. Every sad sack stiffed by life—and every down on her luck dame robbed blind by the Depression loved us when we knocked over the banks that had been foreclosing their dustbowl farms.

Bonnie: And we was cold blooded killers. Didn’t matter to the common folks, did it? Not one bit.

O.J.Simpson: Bonnie! And Clyde. What’s your verdict?

Bonnie Parker: Not guilty.

Clyde Barrow: That’s my girl. Not guilty. Bet you a dance with Ginger Rogers they make a movie about old Luigi like they made about us.

Tony Soprano: We Americans are a sick people. You seen the memes making him out to be some kind of Jesus or somethin’?

O.J.Simpson: Tony!

Tony Soprano: Sorry to interrupt this boombotz here but we are a very sick people. That’s what my therapist says.

O.J.Simpson: Tony. What’s your verdict?

Tony Soprano: Not guilty.Sometimes you gotta take things into your own hands. Capiche? Luigi is only guilty of one thing. Being Italian. And loving his mama.

And United Healthcare once denied me treatment for a bullet wound. Rat bastards.

O.J.Simpson: What say you two? Sacco? Vanzetti?

Nicola Sacco, Bartolomeo Vanzetti: Not guilty. Not guilty.

Kyle Rittenhouse: Who are you guys?

Ted Kaczynski: They’re Sacco and Vanzetti! Back in the roaring twenties they were world famous Anarchists! They were railroaded into the electric chair by the system. The whole world followed their cause to escape the chair just like the whole world has followed this trial. Luigi is going to be more famous than both of them.

Kyle Rittenhouse: : They can’t be that famous if I didn’t recognize them.

O.J. Simpson: Can it, Kyl. What say our friends from the Red Brigade?

Margherita Cagol: Not—

Kyle: The Red Brigade! I know who they are! They were violent terrorists in Europe! They kidnapped and bombed and-

Margherita Cagol: Quiet, mouse! You are the terrorist in this room!

Kyle: You’re both Marxists. Just like Biden. And all the Democrats.

Margherita Cagol: And proud of it. Death to the plutocracy! Down with the Ruling class! Up with Luigi! Not guilty.

O.J. Simpson: Didn’t the Red Brigade kneecap most of the corporate heads they targeted?

Renato Curcio: Some did. I preferred to watch the pigs beg, up close.

O.J. Simpson: Thanks for sharing, Renato. What’s your verdict?

Renato Curcio: Crucify him. He’ll make a beautiful martyr for the ages. He is the greatest revoluionary of our time! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

O.J. Simpson: Timeout. At this point let us not forget the victim, Brian Johnson. Dude was a beloved family man. And the obscenely rich CEO of a megacorporation whose actions caused the deaths and suffering of thousands and thousands of people.

Ted Kaczynski: O.J.! Mr. Juice, sir. Ever find Nicole’s killer?

O.J. Simpson: No, Ted, I never did.

Ted Kaczynski: What do you think Luigi will devote himself to when we find we are deadlocked and free him? Call me crazy but it looks like we have our verdict. The prosecution needs a unanimous verdict to convict.

O.J. Simpson: Tell the bailiff we have reached our verdict. And Kyle, stop crying. Stop it.

The Jury

O.J. Simpson: A professional athlete, actor, and media personality “The Juice” was tried and acquitted for the murders of his former wife Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman in 1994. The most famous instance of jury nullification in the 20th century.

Bonnie and Clyde: Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were a notorious criminal couple who commited a string of robberies and kidnappings in the heartland, murdering at least nine police officers and four civilians during the Great Depression, from 1932 to 1934. Movies, musicals and songs treating the murderous pair like folk heroes were inspired by their crime spree.

Ted Kaczynski: Theodore John Kaczynski, the Unabomber, was a mathematician and domestic terrorist who abandoned his academic career in 1969 to live as a recluse.

Margherita Cagol and Renato Curcio: Founding members of the Red Brigade, a Marxist terror group that terrorized Europe for decades with bombings, kidnappings, murders and “kneecappings’. Kneecapping is a form of malicious painful wounding inflicted with a gunshot to the knee.

Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti: Anarchists convicted of murdering a guard and a paymaster during a robbery in Massachusetts in 1920.

The two were executed 7-years later in spite of questions about their guilt that drew worldwide attention to their cause with protests held in every major city in North America, South America, Europe, Asia , the Middle East and Africa.

Tony Soprano: A fictional character who is an unfaithful sociopathic thug. Beloved by Americans

John Dillinger: Depression era gangster and cop killer who was romanticized by the media at the time as a “Robin Hood” figure. Gunned down in Chicago in front of a theater by federal agents.

John Wilkes Booth: Lincoln’s assassin believed he would be rewarded and celebrated by the South. Instead he was roasted. Union troops cornered him in a barn and set it afire.

Kyle Rittenhouse: Darling of Fox, gun rights extremists and the MAGA right who was acquitted of murder after shooting three protestors.