The tragic end of Ebenezer Scrooge

A Christmas Law 'n' Order Carol "Ripped from the headlines"

The literary world was shocked to learn of the cold blooded murder of a globally famous fictional wealthy accountant, Ebenezer Scrooge, on the streets of London this week on Christmas Eve.

The 64-year old victim was shot in the back at close range by an unidentified assailant while he was walking home from “Scrooge and Marley Counting House”. He died shortly after he was found by a chimney sweep.

Here is a bobby’s account of his interview with the chimney sweep who found Scrooge, mortally wounded and bleeding out in the snow:

“Did the victim say anything to you before he expired?"

“I couldn’t ‘ear a thing over th’ cheering from all th’ bystanders when ‘e departed this world, guv’nor.”

No suspects yet

According to the London Metropolitan Police the suspect, or suspects, are still at large. The list of possible suspects includes all of Mr. Scrooge’s client debtors who number in the hundreds. By all accounts he was friendless, often heard referring to such relations as a “humbug.”

“Scrooge was famous for being a mean, selfish, greedy businessman who robbed us all blind” said one “delighted” client of the deceased. Few were shocked by the “shameless jubilation” expressed by the many citizens of London who took the streets to celebrate.

London surveillance footage seen below captures one such moment:

Only famed local author Charles Dickens had anything positive to say about the man. “Alas I am crestfallen. I had just begun his story. I was going to call it ‘A Christmas Carol’. The very night he was murdered Scrooge was to meet three spirits who would transform him from a miser to a charitable soul. Now it's too late.”

A local Minister said, “It’s not right…the whole town cheering the man’s demise with a hearty ‘huzzah!’ That is such very, very, very un-Christian behavior. Most uncharitable.”

London police interviewed their chief suspect, the victim's single employee, Bob Cratchett and learned at the time of the murder Cratchett had an alibi. He was at home having a Christmas dinner with his family.”I was quite shocked to hear of Mr. Scrooge’s demise. He had just given me leave to go home early to enjoy Christmas Eve with my family. He was a generous man. Isn’t that right my love?”

Upon hearing this Mrs. Cratchett spat on the floor and remarked "Good riddance to the old miser!” She was promptly questioned by the police and later released.

Two gentlemen raising funds for charity we're also interviewed by law enforcement. “We had an exchange with Mr. Scrooge earlier that afternoon. We called on him at his office and asked him if he might spare a shilling or two for the less fortunate.”

“Did he say anything unusual?”

“No. He said what he says every year at this time of want when the need is greatest.”

“And what is that?”

“Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses? Like Mr. Elon Musk I believed empathy is a humbug.”

“Did Mr. Scrooge have any enemies you might know about?“

“The question is, did he have any friends?”

“Only person who didn't despise the old buzzard was his late associate Jacob Marley, who's been dead these seven years. He had a health insurance claim denied and died. Poor old sot.”

Mr.Scrooge’s nephew Fred told the London Metropolitan Police he had seen his uncle the day he was killed. “I had hoped to convince him to come to our home for Christmas and celebrate the holiday with us and our friends. He declined in spite of my entreaties much as I expected.”

“Did you resent him for this rejection?”

“The opposite. I pitied the poor old man.”

The Chief of the the London Metropolitan Police told us, “We interviewed everyone we could. Even Jacob Marley. And the Spirit of Christmas Past, the Spirit of Christmas Present, and the Spirit of Things Yet to Come.”

The Spirit of Christmas Past told the police, ”I was looking forward to meeting the man. Really I was. On the bright side his death freed me up to move onto redeeming the souls of other greedy and unhappy misers in need of a little fright.“

The Spirit of Christmas Present said, “I had so much to teach the wretched old fellow. I had uncorked a bottle of the finest Milk of Human Kindness just for the occasion.”

The Spirit of Things Yet to Come had no comment but simply pointed ominously at his interviewer. “Our attempts to communicate with Mr. Things Yet to Come were futile.”

Mr. Marley theorized, “Perhaps Ebenezer was strangled by the chains he was weaving in life, link by link.”

When Mr. Marley’s interviewer noted “Mr.Scrooge was shot” Mr.Marley replied, “How mercifully swift” and then vanished in a whip of spectral vapor.

The only individual who had anything positive to say about the man to the police was Bob Cratchett. “ Scrooge was a good man,” in spite of his wife’s vociferous objections. “He’s the devil.”

Many speculated who was responsible for the assassination of the prominent capitalist. Frosty the Snowman, a hap hap happy soul, said he was sad to hear of Mr.Scrooge’s demise.

Rudolph scoffed. ”His heart was colder than your’s, Frosty. He always made Santa’s naughty list.”

Mr. Kris Kringle told the police, “Christmas after Christmas I filled his stocking with lumps of coal. At the time of the murder I was delivering toys in Tokyo. ”

The Grinch could not be reached for comment. Some speculate he and other internationally famous villains had gone into hiding fearing vigilante reprisals for past villainy.

A break in the case

A followup visit to the Cratchett home gave police a break in the case. One of the children noted that Mrs. Cratchett had stepped out earlier the evening of the murder claiming she needed to purchase some plum pudding. Upon hearing this Tiny Tim said in front of the visiting bobby, “That’s odd, mum. Why didn't we have any plum pudding with our Christmas goose, mummy?”

The police became suspicious, and, after acquiring a warrant, they searched the Cratchett household and found a derringer, a small single shot weapon that fires the same size lead ball that had passed through the victim’s spine and heart. Standing behind his wife Mr. Cratchett said, “I have no idea how that got in our home, do you, love?”

When the police noted it appeared to have recently been fired Mrs. Cratchett broke down weeping and confessed. At her trial Mrs. Cratchett said that “We got no help with Tiny Tim’s health care from the old filthy rich miser. Not a farthing. So I says to me self if Tim is to die then I shall die, too. And I shall take Ebenezer Scrooge with me. To Hell.”

The case had enormous impact

Mrs. Cratchett was found guilty, hung within the month and buried next to Tiny Tim who had died shortly after his mother was charged and taken.

Bob Cratchett, unable to find employment and forced into debtors prison, surrendered the surviving children to work and live in a nearby workhouse.

Dickens abandoned work on “A Christmas Carol” and began work on “The Cricket on the Hearth”.

Cratchett died in debtor’s prison from consumption a year later. He and his family members are buried in an unmarked grave in a pauper’s cemetery.

In 2024 Ebenezer Scrooge was posthumously honored when the “London School of Accountancy and Finance” was renamed the “Scrooge School of Accountancy and Finance in London”. Today “Scrooge and Marley Accountancy” is a thriving multinational firm.