The top 50 clues you may be an Arizona lawmaker
The Fitz Fifty
The top 50 clues you may be an Arizona legislator
The top 50 clues you may be an Arizona legislator
Your IQ matches the number of your legislative district
You’ve made a list of books you’d like to ban and a list of books you’d like to burn
You’ve made a list of trans-gender children you’d like to ban and a list of witches you’d like to burn
You’ve retweeted more anti-Semitic tweets than Mel Gibson on a bender
You’re “onto” the groomers in our public schools. And you’re “looking into disturbing reports” of “groomers” seen in Arizona pet stores, too
You believe God gave Moses the “Ten Amendments” and you wear your bola tie so tight it often cuts off the flow of oxygen to your brain
You’re proud that being brain dead doesn’t affect your performance at legislative hearings
Every one of your bills has been vetoed by the Governor you call a “loser”
You believe your vote is not for sale. It’s for lease
All those years you said you “owned the libs” you were referring to actual slaves manacled to the wall of your bunker in Eloy
You wear a cowboy hat because someday you may have to git along and rope a dogie and you like playing dress up
You believe every word of the Bible is true except the part about loving your enemies because that “sounds gay”
You’ve never seen a West Wing episode in your life. You did watch all 15 seasons of “The Apprentice”
You made the front page of the “Gila Bend Daily Bugle” by calling the Press “the enema of the People” at a truck stop rally in Toltec
You take Ivermectin enemas
The 23andMe genetic results came back. You have both jellyfish and weasel DNA in your ancestry
Your pride yourself on being colorblind. You hate every race regardless of their color
You favor building a wall around trans kids
You’re proud you’ve never been called “politically correct”. Or historically correct, factually correct or scientifically correct.
You believe government should stay “out of our business” and get back to policing our bedrooms When you ran for office you promised to secure the border and instead you secured every woman’s uterus
When it comes to expanding healthcare coverage you’re against “faceless government bureaucrats coming between you and your doctor”
When it comes to abortion you are in favor of faceless government bureaucrats coming between every woman’s doctor and her uterus
Unless she’s your mistress
You love Jesus and you take money from billionaires and claim you can’t be bought
On election night you said, “This election was rigged and it was stolen and I won it fair and square.”
You drive a spotless SUV with two AR-15s on the gun rack behind your head, a confederate flag on your antenna, a plastic Jesus on your dash, right wing talk blasting on your radio and you think hybrid and electric vehicles are gay and climate change is bullshit and oil prices are Joe Biden’s fault and not the fault of Saudi Arabia and you’re thinking of upgrading to a Hummer with a sunroof you can keep open so when The Rapture comes you won’t hit your head when you float up to Jesus
You love your guns. If guns came in suppository form your colon would be “packing”
You promised a crowd you’d solve our climate driven water problem by building a pipeline from your incoherent stream of consciousness to the Colorado River
You promote Holocaust-denying websites because you believe there are good people on both sides of every issue
You believe and promote every conspiracy theory you see online. Except for the popular theory you’re a unhinged lunatic who only won because you were backed by equally unhinged billionaires from out of state
You started as an online troll owning the libs. Now you’re owned by billionaires
You decry voter fraud every time you barely win the district you gerrymandered
You need cue cards to recite the Pledge of Allegiance but you know the entire Bill of Rights from the First Amendment all the way to the 2nd
You are “onto” drag queens and “their wily ways”
You were a part-time Cyber Ninja. The paychecks bounced but that’s okay because you love Donald Trump and you got to learn about voter fraud and bamboo fibers and ultra-violet light and you got to keep the ninja costume and the decoder ring
You have Kari Lake on speed dial
When it comes to public education you don’t believe in throwing money at the problem because you’re opposed to “Critical Race Theory” and you’re not “real sure” about “critical mass’' and “critical thinking”
You once said “homosexuality is a fad that tempts us all” and refused to answer the followup question
You suspect socialist genderless concentration camps are being built east of Apache Junction
When it comes to private education you believe in throwing money at the problem
Your favorite colors are red, white and blue and not a damned rainbow and you celebrate every 4th of July by pleading the 5th whenever you’re asked about your whereabouts on January 6th, 2021
When the Arizona Supreme Court ruled it was okay for a church to shield a sexual abuser for decades you called it a victory for sexual abusers who love Jesus and religious liberty
Your district is so gerrymandered a Gila monster turd with your name on it in a MAGA cap could run and win
You will call for term limits when “the time feels right for change” such as when you’re on your deathbed
Your self-published memoir is available all over the state. In bargain bins at every Goodwill in Arizona. With faded orange stickers on each one
You’re pro-life because it’s a human being
You’re pro-gun because the price of freedom is only a few human beings blasted to bits every couple of hours
You always knew McCain, Reagan and Goldwater were“socialists” and your entire family hates you and invites you to the wrong trailer every Thanksgiving and you still haven’t “caught on”
The last time you held a town hall in your district was so long ago you objected to the question from the pterodactyl in the third row
You’ve never lived in the district you represent because you prefer running water and electricity
I consider it an honor (and the wonder of Constitutional authority) to be able to read your articles and cartoons, and to laugh hysterically as I find my tongue in cheek viewpoints in your work. I wish that I had half your gift at pointing out our foibles in such a way that generates both anger on one side and laughter on the other. Oh, the third way - generate and motivate toward political involvement. THANKS
Hilarious!