The raw text of Kari Lake's U. S. Senate Candidacy Announcement

Exclusive: The first draft of Lake's speech

A copy of the first draft of Kari Lake’s speech announcing her candidacy for the U. S. Senate came into my possession thanks to a mole inside her campaign. My transcription includes her notes, her original unedited text and her corrections. Note that Lake writes in the manner of a reporter hurriedly writing for a teleprompter crawl.

OFFICAL LAKE for SENATE CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT SCRIPT

 (Intro, enter stage right, pump fist, flip off press)  

Hello, Arizona! Whoop whoop!! Let me tell you this mama bear has a whole lot of FIGHT left in her! And let me tell you this mama bear will never retreat!
("Cocaine Bear" clip streams on screen behind stage)

Tonight I am formally announcing my candidacy for Queen of Kingman
State Commisioner of Mimes  the newscaster job in Apache Junction the United States Senate !

(Light up APPLAUSE sign)

Folks I am on a mission to sell merch 
to put a Republican on the moon by the end of this decade 
to put Kari Lake first  to put Arizona first!

And let me tell you we have a lot of work ahead of us!

Folks, together we’re going to- 
-drain the swamp
-cut inflation
-reduce the deficit
-fight this Climate Change BS!
-Ban abortion 
-make America SAFE AGAIN! 
-make America RESPECTED AGAIN! 

(Pick up sledgehammer, wave over head)

And We’re going to do it all by taking a sledgehammer to the entire Federal Government! 

(Roll up sleeves, take sledgehammer to plywood scale models of White House, Supreme Court and Capitol, then set sledgehammer down, get serious)

Folks. The media has been LYING TO YOU.
 
You are NOT a THREAT to DEMOCRACY. But I sure as Hell am! (haha)

We all want the same things.To keep DRAG QUEENS out of our libraries.
To CASTRATE the sick GROOMERS hiding in our GODLESS PUBLIC SCHOOLS
and to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN by reelecting Donald Trump President of the United States! 

And together, as your Senator, working with President Trump, think of the amazing things we can do!

(Walk to front of stage, open arms)

America, I am your Pro-Trump Triple Threat candidate.
 
First, no matter what the liars say I am your Governor!
who won that stolen election no matter what every lying Court, County Recorder and auditor keeps saying 

(Crowd cheers here)

Second, I will be your Senator in 2024!

(Drink in the cheers. Milk it baby)

And third, when President Trump asks me to be his running mate-
any day now-I can feel it in my bones-

(Dramatic pause here)

I will say YES! And you know what that means! Your Governor and Senator will also be sworn in as your Vice-President in 2024!!

(Thunderous cheers and applause)

Governor-Senator-Vice-President Lake! How does that sound?

(Thunderous cheers and applause oh yeah)

Kari Lake can do it all, baby!! 

(Pick up, swing sledgehammer, smash laptop labeled "Hunter's laptop". Cue dancers  dressed as Cyber Ninjas to enter stage, prancing, throwing confetti  everywhere) 

What do you have there? Maricopa County ballots?

(Cue LAUGH sign. When uproarious laughter dies down continue)

My friends, with your help and with the help of God Almighty I am GOING to smash the radical left! And the lying media!!!

Believe me I  know how the media lies. I worked for Fox News

(Cyber ninjas form can-can chorus line under unfurling flag of Arizona as band plays "Oklahoma")

For months now I have been traveling this miserable   ungrateful  dirty
desolate  magnificent state, in these fabulous heels, talking and listening to Steve Bannon, my dark money donors, and of course, you, the little people, the voters of Arizona, and let me tell you Kari Lake hears your pain, your fabulous resentment, your wonderful conspiracy theories, your beautiful seething racial hatred, your powerful nihilism, your despair! I hear it all!
And I've been hanging around outside the men's room at Sky Harbor waiting to ambush that left wing toad Ruben Gallego with a film crew Jesus that turned out to be lame waste of my incredible star power

And here's the answer to our resentment, nihilism and despair, folks.

Listen to what Donald Trump, our greatest living President told me. He needs to have a big majority in the Senate to help  push his beautiful AMERICA FIRST agenda through and it's up to us, the people, to help him by helping me win Arizona's Senate seat! 

And he also told me he thought Hamas was really very very smart. 

And he doesn't want to see any wounded veterans at my rallies. Who needs to see that? 

(Salute portrait of Trump)

Yes, sir, Mister President, I said.

(Cue the music "You're still the one", pick up and gun chainsaw, saw Joe Biden effigy to shreds, then set N-95 masks in giant urns on both sides of stage on fire with flamethrower, then pole dance with American flag, drape self over giant glittering Christian cross lowered onto stage, piroutte back to audience, bow, soak in acclaim, pick up sledgehammer again, throw it over shoulder, continue pacing stage like the cougar you are)

Do we have any McCain Republicans here tonight? If we do I have a message for you--GET THE HELL OUT! I'm kidding! 

(Go into "I love to kid" spiel)

You remember me don'tcha? I’m the one who wanted to drive a stake through the heart of your old pathetic, spineless, limp-wristed, weak-kneed Party, the one run by McCain and all the other gutless RINOs! Well, I just want you to know I was kidding! I love you people!

(Repeat "I love to kid" spiel)

I forgive you all! All is forgiven! Now's the time for you to crawl home to our new improved MAGA Republican Party! Now is the time for you to come home and join my campaign and together we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!

(Raise sledgehammer up over head)

And when you elect me I promise you this: I will take this sledgehammer to every electronic voting machine I see!!

(Cue dancing cyber ninjas to roll plywood replica of voting machine into center spotlight on stage, smash it to pieces with sledgehammer)

Do you all know what President Trump said to me yesterday? Donald said I was the toughest liar he'd ever seen! 

And the toughest fighter he'd ever seen!

(Swing  and point sledgehammer in direction of audience)

Are you fighters? I hope to God you are because
we are going to have to FIGHT to take America back, people! 

Joe Biden's policies have led to nothing but rising inflation, high mortgage rates, fluoride in our water, three-eyed babies, chemtrails, rampant herpes outbreaks, and an invasion on our southern border by diseased rapists! Folks, let me tell you, I'm the only candidate with a plan to secure our border! There’s chaos  in the House Representatives   in the Republican Party
in my head  on our borders!

We need to FINISH the WALL!!! Right? FINISH the WALL!!!

(Throw in a whoop whoop here)

This coming election which will be stolen from me by the Deep State
will be the most important election in our nation's history. And it will be determined by WOMEN voters. And I want you ladies to know I am PRO-LIFE 
I am the ONLY MOM in this race! 

(Giggle, wink, put on "Republican baby maker" kitchen apron, strike "Rosie the Riveter" pose, soak in the cheers)

People, RONALD REAGAN showed us it's only the OUTSIDERS who wear stage makeup and can read scripts who can shake up the STATUS QUO!

People like our patriotic January 6th Insurrectionists. 

If you want to shake things up and If you love America as much as I do go to karilake.com tonight and join the fight, by joining my campaign to be
Arizona's next Governor! Arizona's next United States Senator! We'll see you out on the campaign trail!

(Cue balloon drop, turn around, twerk your booty at press in back of hangar, exit stage to unbelievable cheers, greet supporters, autograph merch, go to dark money after party)