The President and AI

Vance! Get my secretary of A.I. in here.

Mr. President, there is no –

Get him!

You there. What’s your name?

Hinky.

Mr.Hinky. Do you hate liberals and all their woke garbage?

Well, uh-

I do, too. Now you look like a reasonable man. What if I wanted to make sure that AI was never going to be “woke”? Wouldn’t that be great? You’d think that was great right?

I don’t really know. That’s not my area Mr. President. I’m from Dutch Boy of Georgetown . I’m here to touch up all the gold decor.

Nice overalls. I thought you were a government IT guy.

I was until I got laid off by you.

What say we make America great again?

Sir?

What if I wanted to make sure that all AI was not woke?

What?

Come closer. I want to tell you something. Something that you should know. I did not kill Epstein. Everybody is asking me if I killed Epstein. No I didn't kill Epstein or whatever his name was. A.I. killed him.

Sir?

I never visited Gilligan’s Island and yes there are pictures. I'm not as worried about the Epstein files as I am about the Epstein JPEGs.

Wow. Sir, that’s-

Who wants woke AI? Not me. And no good MAGA loving American would want their AI to be “woke” either. Who wants it?

That's a tough one Mr. President because AI is “artificial intelligence” with emphasis on the “intelligent” part.

And..

So you're gonna have to make it less “intelligent” to be less “woke”. To work.

Huh?

“Woke” is a rational response to complex issues as opposed to the irrational and illogical primitive impulses that wreak the chaos you feed off like some kind of insatiable parasite.

I wasn’t listening. Gaga for Gaza. Like that? It’s a concept I’m working on.

What?

Hillary attempted a coup using the old Russia hoax. We have the evidence.

Okay…

Now about my A.I…

Sir? How do you intend to control A.I.?

You are a genius! You must be one of those artificially intelligent guys with the chips in their necks. You're amazing. I had an uncle like that at MIT. I was thinking about having chips put in Don Junior's neck. I decided it wouldn't be worth the cost.

So Mr. President, let me get this right you want artificial intelligence to be cleansed of any “wokeness”?

Yes.

You want technology to pass an ideological loyalty test?

What’s an idiot’s-logical test? You were here to touch up the gold scrolls and fancy curls on the walls and you are not helping me here with these questions.

What?

Nothing. I'm losing my mind. Don't worry I always have a caddy with me who picks up my mind wherever I might've left it last. I think I put bronzer on my ass cheeks this morning by mistake. Do these shorts make my ass look huge?

Mr. President, you know what they call someone who wants their ideology to dominate the state?

What?

A fascist.

Did some “woke” ChatGPT tell you that? What the hell?

I’m going to leave now and paint the Roosevelt Room.

That’s exactly the kind of anti-American crap I'm talking about. The Roosevelt Room. I’m changing the name to the Wayne Newton Room. All I want is for all AI to sound just like Fox News. Not like this ignorant and rude and ungrateful house painter here.

Name’s Hinky. H-i-n-k-y. By the way your taste in decor is “Gay Eighties Vegas Brothel”. Good God. Was this designed by my Aunt Edna? Where’s the red velour?

How dare you? Get out. You’re fired. You’re fired! FIRED.

The worst. Tackier than if Liberace shopped at Hobby Lobby! Is this Graceland or the White House?

Go. Vance! Get me my real Secretary of AI! I want AI that sounds just like Elon’s Grok. Grok isn’t woke!

Sir, Grok is pro-Nazi A.I.

Exactly, Mr. Vance. I want AI that sounds just like Grok and Fox News. Happy. Upbeat. Make America great again. Let’s make A.I. great again. My uncle taught at MIT. He was so smart. Incredible.