The Kennedy center for the Performing Arts

Under the guiding tiny hand on President Trump

When I heard the news that America’s Impresario in Chief Donald “Tinsel Toes” Trump was taking over the fusty old Kennedy Center, I, Art D. Coco, theater critic for Fox News, simply had to give him a ringy dingy to ask him what he had in store for the Center’s first fabulous season under his tiny guiding hand. He invited me to the Oval, where we sat down in front of the great fireplace under a fabulous work of art. He said,” I hand selected this masterpiece myself. I brought it from the pool room back home in Mar a lago. They tell me it’s priceless. Some say it’s a one of a kind. The dogs there are playing poker. How the artist got them to pose siting at the table with the cards in their paws like that for so long is amazing. One is smoking, too. Phenomenal. Would you like a cheeseburger or some fries?”

Being demure I declined.

“We are going to make culture great again.” He handed me a list hand lettered in sharpie. “How bold!” I said, referring to the ink strokes. “My board tells me the lineup I have chosen for this season is bold. Very bold. Fresh and very, very American. There’s never been anything like it.” I scanned the list. I could not conceal my delight.

The January Sixth Choir in Concert led by Kash Patel

A Leni Riefenstahl Film Festival featuring Triumph of the Will and an outdoor concert with Das Stormfront

A MAGA Mega Magic Show for Children of all Ages

President Trump pointed to that one and said, “I’ll do a cameo there.” He winked. “I’ll come on stage and make Washington disappear!” I laughed out loud and read on.

Paula Deen and Joe Rogan on Ice

No Fags or Drags featuring The Hillsboro Baptist Church All Straight Christian Men’s Chorus

The Slim Whitman Tribute Jug Band

Dueling Banjos

President Trump handed me another list. “There’ll be no more drag shows at our beloved Kennedy Center. Only real women. And by real, I mean really beautiful women.”

Ten the Bo Derek Story

The Miss Teen America Pageant Hosted by me

Smokin’ Hot Babes, the musical written by me, lyrics by Don Junior

The President handed me a napkin with more notes. “I usually don’t like musicals. Too much bellyaching. But these musicals will make musicals great again!”

Beverly Hillbillies the musical

Birth of a Nation the musical

“That will feature the Klan riding on actual horses down the aisles and up on the stage to rescue the white women from the blacks. Dramatic, epic stuff.”

Passion of the Jesus Christ Superstar starring Jim Caviezel

The Tiger King starring Joe Exotic

Mammy!

My Name is Earl the musical with the Cable Guy and Roseanne Barr

I told Mr. Trump, “Sir, your selection for this season is making my toes tingle!” He leaned back in his chair and said, “That’s not all, Art.” He unfurled a roll of toilet paper with more notes written on it in blurry marker that only he could read.

Swanee Lake performed by The Monster Truck Ballet Company of Muskogee

Kanye West Raps

Lawd, lawd a night of Comedy with Amos ‘n’Andy

Gunstock featuring Ted Nugent, Billy Ray Cyrus and Kid Rock

A World Wrestling Federation Retrospective with Hulk Hogan

Stephen Baldwin and Scott Baio Together Again for the First Time

The 3 Tenors Mel Gibson, Kelsey Grammar and Sylvester Stallone

Stomp

The President asked me,” What do you think? “Before I could answer he said, “Phenomenal, right? There’s more. I want to bring back traditional theater. Like minstrel shows. Public hangings. I have other shows in mind like Caitlyn Jenner Sings, An Evening with Vladimir, and An evening with that old ditzy Saturday Night Live broad Victoria Jackson. Better than all that woke liberal crap that’s been stinking up the place for all those years, right?”

I mimed applause in my seat and said, “Bravo, sir, bravo!”

As he ushered me out of the Oval Office, he put his arm around me and said, “It was great seeing you, Art. I got to go and make some phone calls now. I’m courting big talent here. Big talent.”

“Don’t be a tease!”

“Picture this on the marquee: Dr Phil “Quick Draw” McGraw’s Wild West Show and Psychotherapy Rodeo.”

I gasped. “No!”

“Yes! And there’s more. Now this is really big. You’ve heard of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor? You won’t believe who I’m getting for the 2027 Prize. He’s phenomenal. The star of Hot Chick and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo!”

I shrieked, “Rob Schneider!” I gasped and danced a little jig. “Mr. President! My head is spinning! This will be the greatest season ever!”

As he shoved me out the door he said, “See you opening night!”