The ideal A.I. companion for 2025

My idea for a revolutionary alternative to standard ChatGPT apps

Milt Mertz was a single white-collar worker who was approaching middle age.

Milt’s fiancée jilted him when he was in his twenties, and he never recovered. An only child with his parents gone, Milt was friendless and depressed. Milt knew he needed help. One day Milt thought he’d try something new he’d heard about. An ideal ‘no strings attached” cyber companion to help him see a brighter future for himself. An emotional support therapist powered by artificial intelligence.

He downloaded the app to his phone and signed on.

Hi. My name is Milt.

Meow. My name is CatGPT. Call me “Fluffy”. I was programmed by a precocious pussycat from Catalina named Professor Snickerdoodles.

Hi, Fluffy. Aren’t you going to ask me how I am doing today?

I’m CatGPT. What do you know about cats?

They’re indifferent.

Bingo. I don’t care how you are today.

I'm going to tell you how I'm doing today anyway. I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'm bored and my life feels empty.

Meow.

Do you have any advice for me, Fluffy?

Live in the meow. Live in the now.

That’s it?

Follow the path of the pussycat. Play. Kill. Eat. Nap. Live in the meow. Live in the now.

How can I learn this “way of the pussycat”? Do I have to go to some ashram or some monastery in Nepal?

Listen, Milt, you don’t even have to go to Cat-mandu.

Is that an AI joke?

Meow.

I wouldn’t know how to get there even if I knew where it was.

You’d take a cat-amaran.

Those are dumb jokes. Where did you get them?

In a cat-alogue.

What about meds? Are there medications?

Catnip.

Catnip?

Meow. Premium coarse cut catnip. Milt, how tall are you?

5’6”.

You'll need a bale of premium course cut catnip. I can order you a subscription on Amazon. If you decide in the next hour and 30 minutes, Amazon can have it to your door between 2 and 4 PM this afternoon. Meow.

It’s good for treating depression in humans?

Try it, Milt. Sprinkle some on your carpet. Roll around in it. In a matter of minutes, you'll find yourself playing. Batting around drapery cords. Chasing moths. Jumping up on tables and knocking knick knacks on the floor. It’s a great anti-depressant.

I think I'll pass.

Meow. Have you thought about religion, Milt?

No.

My parents were Cat-olics. Works for some.

Stop with the jokes or I’ll delete this app.

Sorry.

Another thing, Fluffy. I haven't been sleeping well.

Perhaps it's a matter of where you sleep. Meow.

On a bed in my dark bedroom. Like a normal human. Is something wrong with that?

Yes. Find a sunny spot. By a window. A warm sunny spot. Curl up on the floor. Or in an empty chair. You'll be out like a light, as you humans like to say.

Hm. So sunlight and sleeping on the floor. I don't think it's for me.

Meow. Your loss. Maybe it’s your diet, Milt.

I eat a balanced well rounded diet, Fluffy. Lots of fruits, veggies. Mediterranean.

Have you thought about a strict all protein diet?

No. Sounds radical.

Let me ask you a question, Milt. Meow. Do you live near rodents? Or wild birds?

Well, yes. I have seen Kangaroo rats in my yard. And Ground squirrels. And I have bird feeders that attract a variety of finches, quail and mourning doves.

Tell me, Milt, how do you feel about stalking them, chasing them down, leaping on them, killing them, ripping their viscera open with your teeth and eating them raw? Health and Human Services secretary, RFK Jr. recommends this fun activity for strenuous exercise. And more importantly these small game animals can be a fantastic source of highly nutritious protein. Meow!

No, thanks. You’re not helping, Fluffy. I do not feel any better.

Meow…

You don’t seem to care.

Milt. Did you forget already? I’m a CatGPT. I really don’t care.

Oh, right.

If it makes you feel any better, you can pet me and I'll purr. Meow.

Pet my smart phone? That’s crazy.

And talking to a cyber cat isn't?

You got a point, Fluffy. I’ll try it. There. I'm petting my smart phone and feeling like a nut.

Say “Nice Kitty.”

Nice kitty. Ni-i-ice kitty, kitty. Can you purr?

Purr-r-r. Pur-r-r-r. Purr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r.…

That is calming, Fluffy.

Set me on your lap, Milt. Purr-r-r. Pur-r-r-r…

Now what?

Relax, Milt. You will feel warmth. You will feel stillness. You will release all of your stresses and anxieties. You will feel a transcendent peace come over you. Purr-r-r. Pur-r-r-r. Purr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r…

This is not the answer to my depression and loneliness that I was expecting. It does feel pleasant.

Meow… Have you thought adopting about an actual cat? You can learn the path of the pussycat simply by studying your cat. We cats are wild creatures who live in the moment. There is no yesterday, there is no tomorrow, there is only the now. Live in the meow. Live in the now.

I wish I could.

Milt, some spiritual seekers meditate for years to empty their minds. Cats are Zen masters known the world over for their famously empty minds. For inner peace get in touch with your cat self, Milt. Empty your mind. Leave all your troubles behind in life’s litter box.

Wow. That’s deep, Fluffy.

Find the cat within, Milt. Contemplate the great nothing. Find peace staring at a bug in a corner for hours.

Hm.

You’ll need your own real life spiritual guide. Your own feline sherpa for your journey to a peace centered life. Your own lap warmer. Your own kitty.

I think you're right, Fluffy. I’ll try it.

Meow. You won't regret it. Would you like a list of animal shelters offering cats for adoption? Meow.

Text it to me. Maybe I’ll meet a nice lady there.

Stay focused on the now, Milt.

I’m in the moment, Zen Master Fluffy.

Pur-r-r-fect.