The Great Republican Debate of 2023

Eight Minions and no Despicable Me

Here are the 8 Republican candidates we watched last night on the debate stage:

1. Mike Pence

2. Ron DeSantis

3. Chris Christie

4. Nikki Haley

5. Vivek Ramaswamy

6. Some Trump minion

7. A troll

8. Lloyd Benson

Tips:

Do not bother learning the names of Ron DeSantis, Tim Scott, Burgum or Vivek Ramaswamy (Alex Jones with a Yale degree and a twitter account).

Or Nikki Haley.

Like Halley’s Comet, she should circle back in 75-years when the Base of her misogynistic party will be dead. Am I the only one who felt like I was watching “Snow Job and the Seven Dwarves” last night?

Forget Asa Hutchinson, a man so exciting he’s been called “The Mitt Romney of Arkansas”.

Forget Mike Pence. Reverend Pence, and his running mate, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, should run for the Presidency of the Christian Broadcasting Network where he’ll be safe until his former Lord and Savior Donald Trump, drops the noose.

There is one name I will remember from the debate last night: Chris Christie. He is going to become the Roastmaster General of the G.O.P.

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And here are my stats from the debate:

Number of pro-life Republicans on the stage: 7

Chances a pro-life Republican will win the Presidency in 2024: 0

Number of times the debate was interrupted for “Trump indictment news alerts”: 17,234,664

Number of Chris Christie zingers: 5,467,009

Republicans on the stage who were climate change deniers: 5

Chances a climate change denying Republican will win the Presidency in 2024: 0

Number of times candidate Vivek Ramaswamy asserted climate change is a hoax: 8,456

Number of voting age Americans who believe Ramaswamy is a hoax: 3,563,403,009

Percentage of voters who believe the debate was held in Gilead: 66%

…Oz: 23%

…Hangar 51: 11%

Americans who thought they had mistakenly tuned into a “Black Mirror” episode: 32%

…“Waco’s got Talent”: 45%

…Amway pep rally where the lemonade was spiked with acid: 33%

Number of times the candidates expressed sorrow for the victims of the Maui disaster: 0

Number of times the candidates brought up culture wars and went after “woke” Americans: 13,451,719,002

Number of times the candidates addressed climate change: 0

Number of times the candidates addressed gun violence, student debt, immigration reform or making healthcare affordable: 0

Number of times the candidates addressed campaign reform: 0

Number of American Presidents other than Trump who’ve been indicted: 0

Number of indictments Trump is facing: 4

…charges: 91

…lawsuits: 13,451,719,002

Number of lies Trump has told since yesterday: 13,451,719,002

Fox viewers who participated in the Insurrection: 13,451,719,002

Number of you who did not question that statistic: 13,451,719,002

Number of Presidential historians who would describe last night’s debate as “The Lincoln-Douglas Debate of the Modern Age”: 0

Americans who watched the Tucker Carlson interview with Donald Trump: 1

Chances that viewer’s name was “Lindsey Graham”: 100%

Number of deep pocket donors who are moving away from giving money to GOP Presidential candidates after last night’s debate: 100%

Number of deep pocket donors who will be purchasing additional Supreme Court Justices after last night’s debate: 100%

Debates to endure before election day in 2024: 13,451,719,002