The Fourth of July down at the Arroyo Cafe

A gathering of old friends and patriots

Carlos, thanks for letting us watch the fireworks from the roof of your cafe, man! This is going to be awesome.

Yeah, Carlos, thanks. We got the best view of “A” Mountain right here! Who’s the new guy, Carlos?

Fitz, this is my cuz, Bubba Gomez O’Leary.

Hey, Bubba.

Hey.

My cousin, everybody! Down from Phoenix. Bubba here’s an ASU grad!

ASU huh? Good to know. We’ll talk slower. Hell. Oh. Bub. Uh.

Howdy, Bubba. What are the longest 4-years of an ASU student’s life? His freshman year.

Hey, Bubba. Happy 4th!

Bienvenidos a Tucson, Bubba! Got any clue what the average Sun Devil gets on his SAT, Rosa?

Drool.

Hardy har har. You Mildcats are hilarious. Yall know the difference between kittens and Wildcat fans? Kittens stop crying after 6-weeks, So when do the fireworks start yall?

Judging from your MAGA hat I’d say the fireworks will be starting now.

Who is this Trumpy cabron from Maricopa?

My cousin, Rosa. Can’t we all get along? For at least one day? Buuba here is the pride of ASU.

You played football once too often without your helmet on didn’t you, Bubba.

Yall are so funny I forgot to laugh.

What’s your I.Q., Bubba?

Give the guy a break.

Don’t tell me. It’s lower the overnight low in Flagstaff.

I don’t know what yall are roasting me for. You’re the ones backing the Biden crime family. So what’s up, Tucson? What are yall celebrating here tonight? the invention of fireworks?

Actually, we’re-

Yall know the sneaky people who invented fireworks are the very same Godless people who made that Covid in a lab and gave us that cyber ninja disease that made us unable to count big numbers.

Bubba does go on and on.

Q-anon and on.

Fitz, tell Bubba what we celebrate on the Fourth.

You can zip it right there. You libtards don’t have to tell me. I went to ASU. Today is Underpass Day..um.. Indiana Day.. Dependence Day…

No. No. And no.

I got it! Codependence Day!

Nope.

Depends Day!

Nope.

What are you staring at Rosa?

The pride of ASU. It’s In-de-pen-dence Day, pendejo. Pass me a cerveza.

Here you go, Miss Rosita.

It’s Rosa. Gracias, Babar.

It’s Bubba, Miss Rosa. Independence Day, huh? So all you cactus huggers are up here celebrating Will Smith’s victory over the flying saucers! Sweet! I’m down with that! Kicking us some space butt! Secure the space border! Build that space wall! Whoooohoooooo!

Just ignore him.

That’s right, Bubba, it’s Independence Day. Old Fitz here has a connection.

He’s one of them aliens? Can I get some of that salsa over here?

Sure thing.

No, dumbass. He’s related to a real live 4th of July revolutionary.

No way.

Way.

Mr. Bubba, I am a direct descendant of one of the original Sons of Liberty.

Whoa. I didn’t know the Statue of Liberty had kids! Who’s the father? George Washington? The dude slept everywhere. Or it could your “uncle” Sam. it’s always the “uncle”.

Rosa, do us a favor and pour Gila Monster spit into Bubba’s hootch.

Bubba, you have heard of the American Revolution, right?

Yes, sir! The MAGA revolution of 2021! The January 6th Revolution! Is that what yall are celebrating here on July Fourth? January Sixth?

Bubba. I’ll make this history lesson simple-

Spare me, Professor Libtard. I went to ASU. I know all about how America was created by God and founded on Christian principles like slavery and the right to worship reailty TV stars.

Tell us more, Professor Doris Kearns Goodwin.

It all started when Sam Adams invented beer and the New England Patriots declared their independence from their parents, or England, or Mordoor or The Empire or whatever and then Paul Revere and the Raiders warned everybody the Beatles are coming! The Beatles are coming! And the people said no vaccination without representation! Don’t tread on our monster trucks! And then the 13 colonoscopies got together and the Philadelphia Eagles signed the Declaration of the Constipation of the United States of America which Jesus Christ wrote with Toby Keith or some dude named Jefferson and then the American conquistadors got super cold at Valley Forge and the next thing you know God helps Washington beat the Boston Red Sox at Yankee Stadium.

Yorktown. Washington beat Cornwallis at Yorktown.

Whatever, Fitz-a-roonie.

He’s your cousin, Carlos.

You should listen to him! Bubba here graduated with a minor in Drunk History.

Hey, the reason we’re all here is about to start! Tell Bubba why we are all here, Rosa!

To watch the annual torching of “A” Mountain. It’s a Tucson thing.

And to drink shots. Pass me the bacanora, Rosa.

Here you go, Fitz. And we are here to eat way too many empanadas. That’s what the Fourth means to me. What’s it mean to you, Fitz?

It means everything to me, Rosa. E Pluribus Unum. Right, Bubba?

Speak english yall. This here’s America.

E Pluribus Unum. It means “Out of Many One”. Indivisible. And there’s another reason why the Fourth means everything to me. It means no man is above the Law. That’ goes all the way back to the Magna Carta.

The MAGA Carta! Hellya, take that Hunter Biden. Hey, look! The fireworks are starting. Whoohoo!

America means liberty for all, not just white men named Bubba, Bubba. It means we all have the freedom to vote, freedom to control our own bodies, freedom from fascists and fearmongers and book banners and religious nuts and gay bashers who want to -

Rosa, what did you put in Fitz’ coffee?

Yo, Carlos, looks like you invited me to a red flag rally of woke socialists. Yall going to kill me and sell my blood to your buddy George Soros?

Nah. You’re harmless.

It’s your ideas that are toxic, bro.

America also means you have the right to remain silent, Bubba. The fireworks are about to start.

Rosa, Bubba has the right to free speech. The great thing about America is Bubba is free to be an idiot.

You heard him! Thank you, Carlos, my man! I am free to be an idiot yall! Freedom-m-m!

We’re doomed, Fitz.

Have faith in our democracy, Rosa. If we stand together we can survive any threat. Even from idiots.

Hey, wait a minute. I ain’t an idiot.

Bubba, name any Supreme Court Justice. Name one.

Gimme a minute…. Judge Judy!

Knock yourself out, Bubba.

And Judge Steve Harvey. And the whole Justice League. And Kavanaugh! Yeah! Kavanaugh! My man! Fellow frat brother! Greek power, yall! Tappa Keg a Day! Tappa Keg a Day!

Wow! Look at those fireworks! Oooohhhhh. Aaaahhhhhhh...Whoaaaaaa….

They’re beautiful!

Carlos, this rocks. Look at those fireworks.

Right over our heads!

Wow. Foom. foom. foom. Whahoooooooo. Oh, my Godddddd!

Can you name the fireworks, Carlos?

Si, vato, that’s an aerial barrage…that’s a bouquet…those are whistlers..

Beautiful!

Fantastico!

Wow. Mis amigos, I’d like to propose a toast.

To what, Fitz?

To America!

Viva los Estados Unidos de América!

Here’s to liberty and justice for all. O h-h-h say can you se-e-e-e by the dawn's early light-

Uh oh, when Fitz has had a few he starts singing.

Great, now we all have to stand.

Those aren’t the words, Fitz. And that is not singing. He sounds like a dying coyote.

Let him be, Rosa, he’s on a roll.

Take his bacanora away from him.

-And the land of the fre-e-e-e-e-e and the home of the bra-a-ave

That was painful.

Happy Birthday, America!

¡A la Libertad!

¡Feliz cumpleaños, América!

Happy Birthday, my home sweet home!

Here’s to us!

¡Salud!

We’re still here!

Cheers!

And so is “A” Mountain.