The Canadian-American War of 2025

A brief history

History of the Great Canadian American War of 2025

Prelude

The trade war involving the United States, Canada, and Mexico begins on when U.S. president Donald Trump signs orders imposing near-universal tariffs on goods from the two countries entering the United States.

Americans begin hoarding Moosehead beer.

Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney says accidental leak of Yemen war plans means allies must “look out for ourselves” as trust frays.

Monday

Trump declares war on Canada in accidental tweet. Tries to delete it but fails.

American forces launch amphibious and air assault on Alaska, mistaking it for Canada.

7 millions Americans seeking better healthcare, lower crime rates, better quality of life, political stability, more job opportunities, better education immediately surrender online to Canada.

Trump claims U.S. Forces capture Dudley Do-right of Canadian Mounted Police. He calls reports of American losses fake news.

Midway Monday Morning

President Trump calls for Draft to replace thousands of American troops who have defected to Canada.

Celine Dion goes on hunger strike.

Canadian built robot arm on space shuttle in Smithsonian flips off Elon Musk.

Millions of Americans on Canadian border begin studying a Canadian dialect by watching old Second City TV tapes of Bob and Doug McKenzie hosting “Great North”. One pro-Canada American says, “So we can assimilate when we surrender to Canada. Eh. Takeoff you hoser, eh.”

Vice President Vance calls for protests. “I want to see you out there burning Maggie Atwood’s evil and slanderous ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ and those stupid Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures.”

Monday Mid-Morning

Putin offers to send Trump North Korean mercenaries to supports American forces “who lack motivation.”

Trump threatens to annex the North Pole. Putin calls. Points out it will melt and be gone in 3-years. Trump’s confides on Fox and Friends his hopes of acquiring Santa’s toy workshops are crushed.

Eugene Levy’s eyebrows enlist in conflict, serving as pontoons for Canada’s Fighting Flapjacks when they cross over Niagara Falls into New York State.

Trump offers to end war if Canada frees 7-million American hostages. Prime Minister Carney points out 5-million Americans gave themselves up at the border asking for amnesty. “Another 2 million are applying for citizenship.”

Canadian Prime Minster announces annexation of Wisconsin, Ohio, Minnesota, Nebraska and Montana, Washington, Oregon.

President Trump threatens other states desperate for Canada’s universal health care and good schools with “Friendly Fire” if they don’t “Join our fight to make Canada the 51st state.”.

Monday Mid-day

The first wave of American invaders encounters stiff but courteous Canadian Resistance.

As sure as a lumberjack is okay, and works all night and sleeps all day, Canadian forces unleash a lethal level of politeness never before seen on a modern battlefield.

The First Armored Division is overwhelmed by the well-mannered response of the Courteous Plaid Wearing Bastards of the 51st.

Canada’s Battling Beavers “tail slap” a unit of US Navy SEALs attempting to sabotage “harbor tour” yachts in Vancouver. They are served Dim Sum.

A moose stampede in Bangor, Maine is branded terrorism.

Air raid sirens wail over Winnipeg because the war is so boring.

Ottawa’s elderly “grandmothers with walkers” form vigilante group that beats back American invaders with hockey sticks chanting “Take off, you hosers!”

Flocks of Canadian Geese strafe armored divisions with blinding blizzards of green slimy goose crap. Stuck in Minnesota muck they are exposed to Canadian drones. Trump ask if this violates “Genevieve’s Convention”.

Carney corrects Trump. “It’s Geneva.”

Trump responds by aerial bombardment of Canada with posts on “X” that Canadians don’t see because there’s hockey finals on the CBC.

Monday Mid-Afternoon

American POWs covered in Canadian goose crap are marched through Toronto and mocked by Canadian civilians making honking sounds and flapping their arms. Canada’s Secretary of Courtesy apologizes.

In Saskatchewan the entire Second Armored Division surrenders to Ned Trudeau (no relation), a Royal Canadian Mountie on horseback. RCMP Trudeau promises the Americans commanders their troops will receive maple syrup and flapjacks if they surrender. Trudeau’s offer of hockey tickets available at the POW camps seals the deal. Trump is infuriated. Posts insults about Canada mislabeling Toronto “Tonto”.

In Quebec, President Trump’s beloved January 6th Airborne Brigade mistakenly thinks they had parachuted through a portal into Paris in ’44 where they are intoxicated by the chemical warfare employed by the French Canadians. Who can resist the freshly baked croissants in Quebec’s boulangeries or the cafes?

Monday Sundown

Thousands of Americans follow the lead of their Commander-in-Chief by dodging the draft, all claiming bone spurs. Many flee to Canada, hobbling on their alleged “bone spurs”.

Trump’s “easy victory” promise is mocked roundly when the Americans become bogged down in a Canadian quagmire like wasps trapped in maple syrup.

The President’s Special Ops teams are no match for the “Canadian Grizzlies of Carney Company”, a special ops team recruited from actual grizzly bears. During mating system.

Trump vows to name Canada “America’s 51st state and build the people of Canada a new capitol in the Yukon that I will call Trumpletonia. It will`1 be a great city, a homeland for the Palestinians of Gaza and the site of our first prison to house POWs from the upcoming Greenland war.”

Team Trump brands American war critics “Hockey Pucks” and “Dirty Mooseheads”.

Monday Midnight

Trump accidentally texts Canada war plans to a double agent named “Austin Powers”. Mike Myers awarded Canadian Medal of Honor.

Tuesday

American Right wing media brands Canadian sympathizers “lumberjack lovers”, “Canuck Cucks”, and “Flapjack-eating-maple-syrup-swilling sap suckers”.

It’s Tuesday and Trump’s War isn’t over as promised. The First Canadian Division takes all of New England and New York State, rappelling down from dirigibles disguised as a fleet of giant Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Paul Bunyan Balloons.

Wednesday

Canadian armed forces march down 5th Avenue and are welcomed to New York City with kisses, cheers and flowers. Prime Minister Carney announces capture of Trump Tower. Melania and Barron announce they have accepted the Canadian amnesty offer.

Distracted by tweeting ferocious insults at Jim Carrey President Trump is caught off guard by the swift surrender of the apathetic American forces to a string of Canadian victories. The nation’s capitol is on alert.

President Trump flees Washington, D.C.. Canadian troops repeat War of 1812 humiliation of United States forces by burning the nation’s capitol.

Saying “The Canadians did what I wanted to do to Washington my whole life,” Trump announces he and his entire administration are fleeing to Moscow where they will remain in exile.

Epilogue

2028 President Pete Buttigieg grants amnesty to all American draft dodgers residing in Canada. Few return to United States which has been decimated.

By President Trump.