Thanks to an asteroid Dante will be a star

The UA's Osiris Rex swings by to drop a cup of Bennu on Terra Firma

I remember when OSIRIS-REx left home in 2016 to go rock dust collecting. This space nerd was so excited for the U of A. And for Dante S. Lauretta. Listen to the man’s title: Professor of Planetary Science and Cosmochemistry at the University of Arizona's Lunar and Planetary Laboratory. In short, Dante is what’s known as a C.C.N., a collossal cosmic nerd.

Who’s a collossal cosmic nerd?

It’s not easy being Dante this week. He’s got a lot on his brilliant mind. As well as being a Professor of Planetary Science and Cosmochemistry at the University of Arizona's Lunar and Planetary Laboratory he’s also the director of the University of Arizona-led OSIRIS-REx asteroid sampling mission and golden retriever, OSIRIS-REx, will be bringing home the billion dollar bacon and dropping it off in Nevada this Sunday. If all goes well.

If everything goes right.

There are a few things Dante is sweating right now.

1. Will my calculations be proven correct or will they be off by .00000000000000001th of a second or by .000000000000000012th of second?

   

2. Will my fame bring me better parking at the U.A.?

3. If Wall-E and EVA hooked up with OSIRIS-REx would it be so scandalous?

4. How am I ever going to divvy up the 415,009,034,968,394,222,450,000,789,000,675,622,345,781.06 grains of “sample material”?

   

   A cosmic knuckle blast

5. What if we discover a sticker stuck to the sample that appears to be a delivery invoice from Amazon?

   

6. What if my nightmare contamination scenario comes to pass? What if Osiris-Rex’s load of Bennu’s dust drifts off course from its intended target and ends up hurting into Vegas, where it crash lands through the Luxor Palace casino’s glass exterior and lands in Pharoah’s lap? Not a good look for the UA.

7. Will my recurring nightmare end? In it I’m standing in front of a marquee that spells out “The Amazing Dante” at the recovery site. I’m wearing a long black cape and I’m holding a magician’s wand and when the sample lands I point to the site with a Vegas magician’s flourish, say, “ta da!” to the press and the UA marching band plays “Another one bites the dust”, fireworks go off and contaminate everything and then I wake up.

   

   Dante’s recurring nightmare

8. Will I be blamed when “Save the Santa Ritas” activists are emboldened to tell HudBay to “go mine a goddam asteroid”?

9. Will the the sample landing site be a carnival? Vegas area Pawn Shops report a record spike in sales of metal detectors, catcher’s mitts and pith helmets.

   

   Drew this in 2016. I’m a sap for space stuff.

10. Will the media suggest my mentor, the late Professor Michael Drake, is the “Obi-Wan Kenobi” to my “Anakin”? Argh. Everyone knows I’m a “Trekkie”.

11. Will “Asteroid Sample “O-REx-S1232736-BNN-1238885” acquire an A.I. Hollywood agent? Will it will dangle offers to Asteroid Sample “O-REx-S1232736-BNN-1238885” to host Antiques Roadshow for a season?

12. What if a local cartoonist schemes a caper to steal the sample, draw a “happy face” on the recovered asteroid cannister and secretly show it to the Mexican Congress as yet more evidence of extraterrestrial life?

13. Because of my sudden fame will I be challenged to duels by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye? At dawn? Broken Erlenmeyer flasks? Facing each other? 3.048 meters apart. No slide rules allowed.

    

14. Will I be forever challenged by the inhabitants of this planet to hit objects from far away with amazing precision?

    “Can you hit that hawk on that telephone pole down the street by the school with this rock?”

    “Hey, Dante, can you hit the old courthouse dome from the parking garage with this nerf launcher?”

    “Hey, Buzz Longshot, can you nail an asteroid from a zillion-miles away?”

    

15. When the mission succeeds and I’m super famous will I still find the time to return texts from Brian May, astrophysicist and lead guitarist for Queen, let alone a cartoonist begging me to do a cameo on his "Old Pueblo Holiday Radio Show”?

16. Every single time I’m sent out on a shopping errand will my family insist on a precise round-trip ETA? Every time?

    

    Dante Lauretta, James Franco, Stinky Pete the Prospector

17. Who will portray me in the bio-pic? James Franco? Stinky Pete the Prospector from “Toy Story”?

18. After I’m super famous will people still only buy my asteroid book because Brian May made all the cool 3-d images? UA Press Bennu 3-D

Book by super smart famous musican Brian May and some other guy.

Reference links:

Q&A: OSIRIS-REx chief opens book on NASA's asteroid mission as last test looms: https://tucson.com/news/local/subscriber/interview-with-space-mission-chief/article_c828c150-53fa-11ee-8063-538ff3c5d2f2.html

U of A scientist teams with rock legend for new book on asteroid Bennu: https://tucson.com/news/local/queen-guitarist-writes-asteroid-book-university-of-arizona/article_b4949f66-2721-11ee-a1c8-ef115f270dea.html