I am happy to help Colorado representative Lauren Boebert respond to the surveillance video confirming she was vaping and groping her date’s crotch in a public theater. Here are fifteen suggested answers she may use free of charge:
“I wasn’t vaping, that was my hot steamy love breath.”
“I don’t know who that is. It’s a deep fake! -made by that bitch Marjorie Taylor Greene. I was at home oiling my AR-15 the whole time.”
“What?! I said ‘Beetlejuice’ three times. Next thing I know I’m on the street!”
“If Trump pleasures himself watching this I’m happy. Hi, Donnie! Call me if you want a Vice President who can add a little vice to your big fat winning ticket!”
“My date, who told me his name was ‘McFeeley McLovin’, said he’d never touched a girl before so, duh, I felt sorry for him. It’s my whole life story.”
“Rubbing a feller’s peter in public is a ‘traditional family value’ in the pristine hills of Colorado where I’m from. You should see what we do in the gym.”
“I was high, okay? In the dark I thought he was Donald Trump. And I’d do anything to be his running mate.”
“Wow. My boobs look awesome, don’t they? Get a load of these ‘running mates’, Donnie. Can you match these cans, Kari?”
“I never said if I end up having to get an abortion my date said he’s paying the airfare to New Mexico.”
“I am proudly Pro-Life which means I’m a total pro when it comes to being the life of any Party. Vape and pick a hooter, scooter.”
“I refuse to be slut-shamed. I’m not a ‘cheap whore’. Ask the NRA. I’m high-end.”
“I’m pro-choice. Vape or gummies? It’s your body.”
“I moved on him like a bitch. When you’re a rising star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the penis. You can do anything.”
“If anyone finds a vape pen packed with ‘Red Diesel Destruction’, a pair of crotchless panties, a MAGA scarf or any AR-15 casings on the floor of the theater they’re mine.”
“Tell my boyfriend Kevin McParty if he still wants to be Speaker we can work something out. I have two tickets to Les Miserables at the Boulder Playhouse tonight.”
Great piece and yes, it was quite an incident and exceedingly sophomoric! No couth, no decorium, merely a slut acting out. How embarrassing for our nation, but then, Trump...
Excellent and, sadly...sooo sad...pretty much spot on. We are all, every one of us, besieged by pleas for $$$$ to fight the vile, evil Republicans lustily (particularly Lauren) destroying our nation. But you can send a very effective and targeted message by clicking www.adamforcolorado.com and making ANY contribution. He CAN beat her but needs a little help. And then there's Sinema...UGH!!!