Three fun facts to know and smell:
Number of V. P.s the University of Arizona employs: 103
Number of times Tucsonans said W.T.F. are you %&!#!??: 103,000
According to my highly esteemed research assistant, Artie N. Telligence, .a.k.a Mr. A.I., the average annual pay for a U of A Veep: $184,000
I did what few ASU Math Majors can do. I multiplied 103 times $184,000 to see what all these Vice Presidents cost and the answer I came up with is $18,952,000.00 dollars and before the UA asks, “No, I don’t want to be your next big finance and budget kahuna.” Here’s what you get for nearly nineteen million simoleans:
Vice President for Moving Forward, Looking Up and Bearing Down
Vice President for Adjusting Screen Settings for Jumbo-tron
Vice President for Neighborhood Relations, Acquisition, Occupation, Colonization & Subjugation
Vice President of Budgeting, Numerology and Financial Hunch Postulation
Vice President for Some Ethereal Thing Nobody Like You Could Possibly Comprehend
Vice President for Faculty Grindstone Maintenance
Vice President for Blame Studies, Evasion & Finger Pointing Research
Vice President of Legislative Outreach, Supplication & Groveling
Vice President for Color Selection of the Student Union Ballroom Tablecloths & Cutlery Oversight
Vice President for Panhandling & Dialing for Donors
Vice President For Student Life, Housing, Food Services, Health, Wellness & Acne Research
Vice President for Ordering Gold Engraved Laser Crafted Executive Name Plates for Your Desk
Vice President For Office of Finance Comptroller & Leading “Kumbaya” Singalongs At Faculty Riots
Vice President of Strategic Planning, Crystal Balls & Post-It Notes
Veep for Research Innovation
Veep for Research Development
Vice President for Knowing the Difference Between Development and Innovation
Vice President for Ordering Executive Office Chairs that Swivel
Vice President for Ordering Executive Office Chairs that Rock up and Down
Vice President for Initiative, Languor and Ennui
Vice President of Dithering, Procrastination & Waffling
Vice President for Business, Marital & Student Affairs
Vice President for University Ceremonies, Pomp, Circumstance, Fanfare, Pageantry and Vainglorious Splendor
Vice President for the Administration of Faculty Beatings, Furloughs & Pay Cuts
Vice President of Amphibious Operations
Vice President of General Mismanagement, Corporal Punishment & Major Disruptions
Vice President of Executive Directors & Project Managers, Executive Directors of Project Managers, Managers of Executive Directors & Assistant Managers of Assistant Executive Directors & Assistants to the Assistant Managers of Assistant Executive Directors
Veep Veep for Roadrunners
Vice President for Institutional Researchers Who Are Institutionalized
Vice President for IT Work Order Duplication
Vice President of Zombie Apocalypse Preparation
Vice President for Zombie Enrollment
Vice President of Undergraduate Admissions
Vice President of Undergraduate Admissions of Guilt
Vice President for Bottle Feeding Adorable Litter of Feral Vice Presidents
V. P. of Not a Clue, Shrugging & Showing Up Late
Vice President for Implementing Unfunded Mandates
Veep for Grub Hub Bots from the Future
Vice President of Classified Staff & Professors Who Published & Still Perished
Vice President of Staff hired from Classifieds
Vice President of The Illuminati of Old Main & Vatican Outreach
Veep of Secret Society of Tenured Crustaceans
Vice President of Space Stuff, Asteroids & Cool Rockets
V.P. of Wishin’ and Hopin’
V.P. of Thinkin’ and Prayin’
Vice President for Academic Affairs to Remember
Vice President of Bureaucracy Expansion and Development
V.P. of Ambivalent Dithering & Dead Poets
Vice President of Old Dogs, Children and Watermelon Wine
Vice President Responsible for Updating Nameplate on President’s Door
Vice President of Online Initiatives, Conjuring, Alchemy & Hogwarts Outreach
V.P. of Recruiting, Fishing Lures & Click Bait
Vice President of Marketing, Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Vice President for International Education & Determining Whether “V.P.” “Veep” or “Vice President” Sounds Right
Vice President for Extraterrestrial Education
Vice President of Diversity, Inclusion & Exclusion
Vice President of Retribution
Vice President Who Came Up with Designating some V.P.s “Veeps”
Veep of Groove, Chilling, Mojo & Vibe Maintenance
Vice President for Piffle, Prattle, Palaver & Poppycock
V.P. for Athletic Students
V.P. for Student Athletics
Vice President for Campus Operations
Vice President for Clandestine Operations
Veep for Ultra Clandestine ROTC Operations
V.P. for Finance, Raindrops on Roses & Whiskers on Kittens
V.P. for Growing Money on Trees, Bright Copper Kettles & Warm Woolen Mittens
Vice President for Manning the Kiosk Explaining the Roving Grub Hub Bots to Visitors
Vice President for Something Called Teaching & Other Mysterious Lost Arts
Vice President for Research, Research & Research & Taking Roll At Meetings
Vice President for Compliance of Random Made Up Rules
Vice President for Indecipherable Polysyllabic Academic Speech, Bloviation, Piffle, Gibberish, Twaddle & Drivel
V. P. for Government Relations & Student Alienation
Suresh Garimella’s “Number Two” for Human Resources
Suresh Garimella’s “Number Two” for Inhuman Resources
Vice President for Palm Tree Pruning, Cream-Colored Ponies and Crisp Apple Strudels
Vice President Responsible for Whispering Names of President Suresh Garimella’s 103 Vice Presidents in His Ear At Campus Events
1st Vice President for Streamlining Bureaucracy
2nd Vice President for Streamlining Bureaucracy
3rd Vice President for Streamlining Bureaucracy Innovation
Vice President for Scholastic Achievement, Doorbells & Sleigh Bells & Schnitzel with Noodles
Veep Who Asks,” What’s Our Mission Statement?” At Every Meeting & Reminisces Endlessly About Lute
Vice President for Everything in Triplicate
Vice President for Everything in Triplicate
Vice President for Everything in Triplicate
Veep for Processing “Memos of Understanding”
Veep for Running the “Memos of Understanding” Shredder nicknamed “Old Bear Down”
Vice President for Legal Affairs, Goldberg, Osborne, Rosemary & Thyme
Vice President for Over Analysis, Under Performance & Through the Woods to Gentle Ben’s House We Go
Vice President Responsible for Keeping Wilbur Wildcat’s Litter Box Fresh in the Basement of the Ag Building Next to the Coffee
Annoying Vice President No One Knows Who Cheerily Closes Out Every Meeting with “Go, Cats!” Including Memorial Services
Vice President for Information Any Chimp Can Find Online
Vice President for Guarding the “A” on “A” Mountain with a Pea Shooter When Michael Crow is in Town
V.P. for U A Foundation’s Office of Bow Tie Standards
Vice President for Rainy Days and Mondays
V.P. for Registrars, Naming New Stars, Rovers on Mars , Education Czars & Welcoming Grad Students Named Lars
Vice President in Back of Group Photos of U of A Vice Presidents No One Recognizes
Vice President in Back of Group Photos of U of A Vice Presidents Who Looks Vaguely Familiar
Vice President for Hetero-normative Peer-Reviewed Asymmetrical Stakeholders Named Karen & Chad
V.P. for Twenty First Century Critical Cognitive Curriculum Assessment,
Raking the Mall & Finding Tasks for Suresh Garimella’s Little Helpers
Vice President for Experiential Post-Graduate Post-Literate Pedagogy & Parking
Vice President for Accreditation & Asynchronous High Order Hybrid Cognitive Attestation & Pointless Speculation
Vice President for Developing Job Titles
Well at least our tax money is being well spent… It’s apparently kept 103 people from panhandling at intersections.
To put things in perspective, as an out-of-state student at the UofA in 1957, I paid $275 per semester. Adjusted for inflation, $275 in 1957 is equal to $3,056 in 2024. Today its $40,095!
Do you suppose that having 103 Veeps has anything to do with that?