New York City here we come

Manhattan in July

We are going to Manhattan in July for 10-days.

Damn the wildfires and cancelled flights, full speed ahead to the land of my Irish grandfather who danced jigs in the sky over Manhattan as he riveted America’s skyline into place! Manhattan, the land of Mary, my Irish grandmother who raised twelve in an upper east side tenement. Manhattan, the land of my father who lost them both, found God and sanctuary in St.Pat’s and boxed his way off the streets.

We leave a week from yesterday and I am planning every detail of our trip like I’m Eisenhower planning D-Day. And that was just one day. I’m planning 10-days.

Day One: My address to the troops.

Wife, and son, members of this Expeditionary Force: You are about to embark upon the Great Pilgrimage, toward which we have striven these many months. The eyes of Tucson are upon us. Our task will be an easy one: Finding the covered parking I reserved at Sky Harbor. I have full confidence in our courage and skill in travel and getting through security. We will accept nothing less than an awesome vacation! Let us all beseech the blessing of the weather, Trip Advisor and Costco Travel upon this great and noble undertaking. Good Luck!

Let’s go to New York City.

Who’s going?

Ellen and I are taking my adult son Matthew with us. It’s his first time in the Big Apple. he wants to walk and walk and walk the island.

You’re 21, Matt. Know what that means?

Bars. Martinis. Manhattans. Jazz clubs. Comedy clubs! And you’re 67, old man. Know what that means?

Senior discounts?

No. It means you need to download the same app I got on my phone showing the location of every public restroom on Manhattan.

Do they have reviews?

Three sailors search for love and clean restrooms in Manhattan

What are we going to do there?

Ellen, what do you want to see there?

Museums.

Could you be more specific? I’m making a to-do list.

The fun museums.

Oh. come on!

The fun museums that will be open.

Thanks for your help. That really narrows it down.

Are we packed yet?

We aren’t leaving for 6-days. You’re packing already? Are you crazy?

This is on you, Ell. You’re the world traveler who always said we should only take one backpack. You’re the one who got me into the habit of traveling light.

You’re overdoing it.

Hey, can you help me vacuum seal this roll of T-shirts? Last time I did this six pairs of boxers got sucked into a baggage black hole and I never saw them again.

Pack your own oxcart, Tevye.

You’re just jealous my carry on is lighter than yours. See how I rolled all my socks into tight little walnut-sized bundles? Match that!

I see you’re taking only one pair of pants.

I plan on washing them in the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. A pantless man washing his shorts in a fountain will not stand out in Manhattan. Hey! I came up with a space saving idea. Want to hear it?

You’re not going with us?

Very funny. You know how we always need more room in our bags on the way home- for all the souvenirs we end up buying? The mugs…the t-shirts, the magnets and the scarves…that junk?

That’s our favorite part of going to the museums. The gift shops.

Exactly. I went to the museum websites and started buying some of their tourist tchotchkes online. I already have a mug coming from the Illustrators Society Museum. And a Museum of Natural History T-shirt, too. And a—

Way to suck the joy out of the trip.

Whoa. Amazon is at the door. Maybe it’s our Statue of Liberty magnets.

You mapped what?

Where the best food stands are. Grouped by price, reviews, location…

You need mental health treatment.

That’s at 49th Street, 2 blocks east of Central Park.

You didn’t schedule every hour of the 10-days, did you?

Down to the minute.

What about free time? Spontaneity?

I scheduled “Spontaneity” on the 9th from 9:15AM to 9:37AM. Go wild!

What is your problem?

What problem? My family is from NYC. It’s in my DNA. That’s why I don’t let you finish sentences without interrupting and why I communicate by honking the car horn.

Getting psyched

We’re staying at the Essex on Central Park.

Hey, Matt, I made a list of travel videos to watch. About the Essex. And understanding the subway system. Stuff like that.

There are some “What not to do in NYC” YouTube videos you should see, dad. We got to stay safe and avoid scams.

They’ll have you thinking there’s peril behind every pigeon. That’s not the case. You’ll see. You’ll have the time of your life.

I love New York

It’s where my tribe settled. Half became cops. A quarter became riveters. And the rest got into other more lucrative lives of work.

What do you do?

I’m in da freight handlin’ bidniz. What’s your line of work?

Cartoons. I work at home. Where do you work?

All over da boroughs. Handlin’ freight. Don’t ask.

Are those Gucci shoes? Nice.

Criminal.

On the family history trail

As well as revisiting all the standard tourist stuff Ellen and I are going to dig into both of our father’s times in Manhattan.

We’re going to track down my dad’s history as a Depression era Manhattan street urchin, from the tenements to St. Patrick’s Cathedral where he was an altar boy. Ellen wants to see the Tenement Museum. I’m not so keen on the idea.

You know they make you sit through a classroom lecture before you go upstairs to look at one old tenement apartment?

You could not be more wrong. It got great reviews.

I read “Angela’s Ashes”. It got great reviews. I got the idea.

We’re going, you old crank. Sometimes you can be such a Fran Lebowitz but I still love you.

I love you, too. If we go to this museum, you owe us a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge from Brooklyn.

Deal.

At sunrise.

Drop dead.

We’ll explore my late father-in-law’s time in Harlem

Ellen’s delightful dad, Professor Don Dickinson, the first director of the University of Arizona’s School of Library Science, visited with the great American poet Langston Hughes’ in Harlem in the sixties to research and produce Hughes’ bibliography. Ellen has mapped out an expedition.

Sweetheart, I found a Harlem Renaissance tour we can take.

Ellen, I‘ve thought about this. And to be honest I prefer the Harlem Baroque period.

Very funny.

Tell me about the tour you found, and does it cost a bazillion bucks?

Here’s what the website says: “Follow in the footsteps of Langston Hughes, Duke Ellington, and Zora Neale Hurston as you stroll through Jungle Alley and history-infused 135th Street and hear stories about the New York City intellectuals and artists that put Harlem on the world stage. Stop to visit scenic highlights and then finish your tour with lunch in the heart of Harlem.”

Sound great. It’s on YouTube. Let’s watch the whole tour here and save a few bazillion.

Let’s agree to do the whole tour there and save your life because if we don’t do it I’ll throw you in the harbor. You’ll swim with da fishes.

You’re a New Yorker at heart. Did you know a slice of pizza costs one billion dollars on Manhattan. On average. Just saying.

What? More research?

Matt, I found some more YouTube videos you should watch to prepare for our trip.

Like what?

“On the Town” with Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra. Or “Manhattan”. You gotta see New York city in black and white! With Gershwin. It’s gorgeous.

By that perv Woody Allen? No, thanks. I’ll stick to watching YouTube videos about rabid subway rats, creeps who push people off subway platforms and what to do when pickpockets surround you like piranha.

Broadway, Shakespeare and shows

I got us third row seats for “Camelot” at the Lincoln Center. New Yorkers panned it. That means it’s fabulous. Ellen loved Shakespeare in the park when she saw it long before I was in her life. She thought Matt would really enjoy seeing it as well.

I’ve never been. Have you?

Yeah, my boyfriend took me. Long ago. It was amazing.

Huh?

Yeah, he stood in line for hours and got us tickets.

Could you call him up and see if he’d stand in line again for you and get us tickets? We’d like three.

Ha and ha.

You want me to stand in line for hours when we could be walking the town? Just to see “Hamlet”?

God, you’re a Philistine. It’s a great play and an amazing outdoor theater.

All my girlfriends ever got me were tickets for the next bus out of town.

I can see why.

Do you think that the cast of Hamlet would mind a heckler from Arizona in the audience? Hey, Omelet! Is this supposed to be the English language? What the hell is a fardel? ‘Tis a question devoutly wished to be answered, knave.

We’re not sitting next to you.

When do I have to line up to get the tickets?

Not before 6 A.M.

Youse got to get an eyeful of Art

Hey, Matt, I got us tickets to the Met. We are going to see the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Why?

To see the works of some of the greatest artists in the world.

Like who?

Picasso. Ted Lasso. Van Gogh. All the Go-Gos. Monet. Manny. Money. Rogaine. Homer. Jethro. The greats. Even Michelangelo! And all the ninja turtles.

Stop, already. When we get there I’m getting the audio tour. “What? Sorry. Can’t hear you. Meet you back at the hat check in 6-hours, old man.” That’s my plan.

Speaking of hats, I ordered you the hat from the Met gift shop online. It’ll be here today. I think that’s Amazon at the door now!