My first News Aholics meeting

Combating the scourge of news addiction in the Trump era

Hello, everyone and welcome to our first News Aholics meeting. I am Dr. Ivanka Orwell. We are fully funded by the Trump Administration’s Department of Health and Human Services. It is our mission to help you free yourself from the scourge of news addiction. Some of you are here voluntarily. Some of you are here because it is a part of your reeducation program. We see you all as equal just the same. Who wants to go first? Janet? Steve? Cindy? Cho? Dave?

I’ll go first. Hi. I’m Dave. I’m a “news junkie”.

A chorus of “Hi, Daves!” echoes around the meeting room.

Hi. I guess I’m a hard-core news addict. Always have been but ever since the election I’ve been unable to control my addiction to news. I have tried. I have really tried. But following the tsunami of insane news everyday has made me crave more and more and made me a mess. I’m losing my mind.

Tell us more.

I’m so ashamed of the lies. I’ve been lying to everyone, my family and my friends telling them I’ve totally given up news. And I’m constantly sneaking-

David, I’m sorry to interrupt our meeting but I just got a text from the White House. To continue to receive funding from the Federal Government we must share all the information you share with us today with Homeland Security. Continue, David.

I thought this was anonymous.

We must obey the rules, David. That’s D-a-v-i-d F-i-t-z-s-i-m-m-o-n-s, right? You were saying.

I’ve been telling everyone that I stopped watching the news, all of it, cold turkey. Online news. Cable news. News podcasts. The news on my smartphone. I even bragged to all my friends I cancelled all my subscriptions to online news outlets and all the newspapers.

Well, that’s what we want you to do. A steady diet of Fake news is not good for anyone.

What?

Nothing. Please continue.

I told everyone I knew I had quit the news. But-

But, what?

The opposite was true. I actually added more subscriptions. I read news constantly. I listened and watched and scrolled every spare second.

And what are the effects of your addiction to news, David?

Well, I’m depressed, angry, incontinent, and irritable as Hell. I beat sand in my yard with a bat. I snap at my wife, yell at my kids and curse at everyone in traffic. I’ve smashed two TVs. I have a rash, nausea, diarrhea and my blood pressure is through the roof. And I’m haunted by violent thoughts. Assassination fantasies.

Anything else?

I’m afraid I’ll have a stroke if I keep sneaking the Rachel Maddow show. Hey, everybody, speaking of Maddow did you see last week’s show on Tuesday when she covered-

David! Stop! Stop. News is not allowed in here. Let’s focus on your addiction.

Sorry.

Are we ready to go on?

Yes, Dr.Orwell. The worst part is…

What’s the worst part?

I look at my phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Others in the circle chime in.

Me, too!

I haven’t slept since the election.

I can’t stop chewing my fingernails.

Me, too. Ruins my whole day.

I’m suicidal.

Thank you everyone. You’ll all get your turn. David has the floor.

A man stands up. He’s sweating and shaking.

Hi. I’m Leonard. I google the news in the shower! I can’t stop scratching my rash with a fork and wringing my hands! I’m losing my hair! Last time a breaking news alert ringtone went off near me I had seizures.

Leonard, please, we’ll get to you. Let David speak. David, continue.

Thanks, Doc. My point is I can’t stop watching the news and I’m going out of my mind!! I’ve tried everything.

Have you tried our 12 steps prayer?

Yes. Know it by heart. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” Isn’t there more to that, Doctor?

No.

“The courage to change the things I cannot-“

Nope. How about this? Could you recite the “12 Steps” for our group, David?

Right now?

I see your earphones, David. What are you listening to?

“The Daily” on NPR. With David Barbaro. He’s great.

Dr. Orwell shivers in contained rage. Her icy glare chills the entire room.

Everyone. Earphones are not allowed in here. Power off your smartphones. Put them away, please. NOW. Let’s hear the first step, David.

Oof! Okay! I am powerless to control what’s happening in the news…

That’s excellent, David.

…at least until the next election cycle.

David! Can we be serious? The first step is admitting we are powerless to control our addiction to news.

I already say that.

Yes, you did. No one was listening. Everyone was looking at their phones. I asked you all to put them away! NOW.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Me, too. Sorry.

Me, too.

Continue, David.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I am powerless over my addiction to Trump news. And my addiction has become unmanageable.

That’s good, David. Continue with step two.

Step two. Only a power greater than myself can restore my sanity. Like an assassin or a bird plague or climate change setting the planet on fire or the 24^th Amendment followed by Vance getting hit by an asteroid and then Johnson getting struck by lightning.

Or a coup. Have you considered a coup?

Thanks, Leonard. Or a coup!

Leonard, sit down. We do not allow talk of violence in here. Step three, David?

Turn your life over to your God. As you understand him to be.

A weepy young pregnant woman stands up.

Trump thinks he’s God. Christ himself. So does every craven ass kissing Republican in Congress. They’re all rapists who hate women.

Miriam! Please. Let David continue.

Step four. I’ve made a fearless moral inventory of myself.

I wish that pig in the White House would do the same.

Miriam, sit down! let him speak.

She’s right. He’s a lying rapist. A predator.

Laurie! Sit down.

Leonard stands and slams his folding chair against the floor.

She’s right. Trump sure as Hell won’t ever look in the mirror. We’re all screwed.

Leonard! Laurie! Miriam! People! This isn’t about the President. This is about you.

Lenny’s right, Doc. We’re all doomed. Doomed!

David. Sit down. All of you. Sit down and be quiet. Rules, people! Rules! What’s our rule about the use of “doom” words?

Everyone in the circle answers in unison.

Not allowed.

And rules are what?

Everyone in the circle answers in unison.

To be obeyed.

That’s right. There’s no “doom” scrolling. No “doom” spiraling. No talk of being “doomed!” We are here to make America great again. Great again! David! Please continue with the 12 steps. We were on Step five I believe.

Step five. I admit to others the exact nature of my wrongs.

And they are…

I’m well informed and I have empathy. And that is just so wrong in 2025.

I’ll ignore that, David.

Dr. Orwell pulls a recorder from her pocket and whispers into it.

What’s that, Doc? Is this being recorded?

Yes. It’s none of your concern, really.

Who’s listening?

FBI. NSA. CIA. Homeland. Fox. Stephen Miller. Continue.

No!

Or it’s back to reeducation camp.

David pauses, bites his lip, clenches his fists and relents.

Step six. I’m ready to have my higher power remove all my character defects.

What are your character defects, David?

My chief defect is that I have moral character and uh… I value justice and fairness. Unlike your mob boss-in-chief, Dr. Orwell. Step seven. I will humbly ask my higher power to remove my shortcomings.

What are your shortcomings beyond being a chronic hater, Mr. Fitzsimmons?

Well, I had faith in my fellow Americans. I learned on election day that was a shortcoming. I once believed we’re exceptional…I used to think that character mattered…that no one was above the law…there’s three more shortcomings right there.

That’s enough, David.

Step eight! I made a list of all the persons I have harmed. I’m willing to make amends to them all.

Who are the persons you’ve harmed?

My kids. I told them America was a good country…that we’d never elect a corrupt lunatic who’d destroy America, let their planet burn or destroy our public schools.

And have you made amends?

What can I possibly do to make amends with my kids, Doc? Build a space ark to escape to outer space? Pack us up and move to Canada?

Let’s move on to step nine, David.

Fine. Nine! Make amends wherever possible. I guess I could move to Canada. They have the BBC there, right? The Globe and Mail? And the CBC and a functioning parliamentary democracy and-

David. Stop. What is step ten, David?

Step ten. Take a personal inventory and admit when you were wrong.

Have you done that?

Oh, yeah.

Example?

Let’s see…when was I wrong…oh, yeah. Election Day. I should have voted twice!

And step eleven?

Step eleven. Pray for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. Blah, blah, blah. It appears the will of your Orange God is to destroy the federal government. And I sure as Hell am going to fight him every step of the way. And I’m not quitting news!

David, David, David. Have you prayed for strength from your “Higher Power” to help you with your addiction to fake news? David, what is your “Higher Power”?

My faith in America. I believe in America. Not Trump’s America. My America.

Nobody here wants to talk like “the Enemy Within” now do we? Remember this is all being recorded. What is the last step? Step twelve.

Step twelve. Share your message with others.

And what is that message, David?

An informed citizenry is the best defense against tyranny.

David takes out his smart phone and taps the screen.

I can’t believe what that son of bitch Trump just did. Leonard, look at your news feed on your phone.

David. I told you no news sharing in here. Please. People. Put your phones away-

Did you see the latest nominee to head the office of-

David! Please, David. Can we all –

The group breaks out their phones. They begin feverishly sharing news.

Oh, my God. Did you see this, Darnell?

This is the most corrupt-

Darnell. Leonard! Stop. Put your phones away. It’s all just fake news. Fake, fake, fake!

Dr. Orwell throws her clipboard onto the floor.

Can everyone please stop scrolling?

You think that’s bad, check out this link, Freda.

Thanks, Peter. I’m sharing this on Bluesky with-

People! Stop!

Son of a bitch. Check out this breaking news-

I can’t believe what’s happening-

People! Stop! Shut off your phones. You’ve got to get a handle on your news addiction if you ever want to get well!

Dr.Orwell stands and begins reading from her smartphone.

Secretary Robert Kennedy, Junior, just issued a warning about news consumption! You ignore at your own peril! News addiction causes open sores, necrophilia, beastiality, retardation, polio-

People head for the exit.

People! Stop! Everyone! David! Leonard. Miriam! Shut off your phones. Sit down. Come back.

Hi. I’m David and I’m a functioning News Aholic and a proud patriot. And I am out of here, Doc.

Listen to our President, people! It’s all fake news! I’ll have to report you. All of you! People sit down! People-