Last-minute gift guide

Featuring Arizona novelties

Last-minute gift guide

1. Unused Brains of Deceased Republican Legislators

Preserved in Captain Morgan Spiced Rum and wrapped in tin-foil from their own tin-foil helmets these walnut-sized collectibles are beloved by specimen fanciers.

2. Javelina Musk Cologne

This one-of-a-kind scent is harvested by our trained peccary wranglers from uncooperative javelina groomed for their distinctive fragrance. Freinds will say “Oh that’s why turkey vultures are circling you!”

3. Coyote Dog Whistle

Used to attract and train coyote. Guaranteed not to work. However odds are good you’ll end up in a Tiktok video.

4. Unused portions of Border Wall

Who doesn’t want giant sheets of unsued steel? Bring your own blowtorch.

• This sale of this item has been canceled due to Texas halting the auction hosted by the Feds.

  

5. Brick from the beloved “Tucson Inn”

Own your very own mid-century modern treasure when Pima College demolishes the building.

• On hold, waiting on appeal.

6. A Dozen Christmas Tamales and a vial of Doctor Ensenada’s Miraculous Lard Neutralizer

Doctor Ensenada’s Miraculous Lard Neutralizer is made with Snake Oil made from genuine Rattler “Oil” mixed with Tombstone Tom’s Sasparilla and a “swallow” of Gila Monster “Spit”

7. “End of the Journey” Willcox Winery Clearance Hootch

8. Lionel Trains Deportation Train set

Ideal for the Trumper on your gift list this Christmas delight, “designed to railroad millions”, will be quite the conversation starter.

9. Shares of stock in the Big Lots corporation

10. Slightly used candles filched from San Xavier del Bac.

Accompanied with a genuine handmade “Vatican” coupon guaranteeing absolution.

11. Gift certificate for Tohono O’Odham fry bread

See Doctor Ensenada’s Miraculous Lard Neutralizer.

12. Homemade Tequila Starter Kit

Comes with an agave machete and a map to the Los Altos de Jalisco region of Jalisco. Enjoy!

13. Decorative Landscaping Stone and Rock

Lovingly lifted from the latest Pima County Road project and packaged in a genuine duffle bag crowned with a beautiful Dollar Store ribbon.

14. Hand Sanitizer

You know that Covid was just the beginning.

15. A food box from the Southern Arizona Community Food bank discreetly wrapped in a large black plastic bag.

Why go broke buying your friend a Harry & David fruit box for the holidays when you can feed a family with a boxload of treats found in an old Arizona bomb shelter?

16. A One Year Free Subscription to Kari Lake’s Voice of America

We can all agree putting Kari Lake in charge of Voice of America is like putting Pinocchio in charge of Snopes but the fantastic untruths she’ll promote have to be worth a couple of laughs to raise spirits as the world implodes and explodes.

17. When it doubt:

Enjoy! Good luck y Feliz Navidad from out West