Kari gets the call

My exclusive: The Lake transcript

Hello. Kari Lake here. Follower of Christ. Nightmare for Fake News everywhere. Governor of Arizona. To whom am I lying?

Thanks for picking up, Mrs. Lake. I’m a member of President Trump’s transition team, Mr. Chaos Candlewick. We are in the process of vetting nominees for positions in President Trump’s administration and-

It’s about goddam time you called.

Excuse me?

Are you not listening? I said it’s about goddam time you called.

Pardon?

Not yet.

What?

Possibly. In a few years. You never know when a pardon could come in handy.

Noted. Mrs. Lake, you have just the experience we are looking for.

What’s that, Mr. Candlestick?

Absolutely none. The name’s Candlewick.

What?

You have no relevant experience. None. That and your ability to attract the spotlight with bizarre statements makes you an ideal candidate for consideration. Congratulations!

Fantastic! What’s the job? Vice-President-in-waiting?

No such job. The President is considering you to be our Ambassador to Mexico.

Ambassador to Mexico! Wow. Where is Mexico? Is that in South America?

Close, but no.

Thank the President for his faith in me. I’d like to pray on it and get back to you.

The job pays more than $12,000 a month and you get a driver, a valet and your office will be in-

Sh! What’s that? Quiet. Jesus is speaking to me. It’s a miracle!

What?

My Lord and Savior just spoke to me. Tell President Trump my answer is yes!

Swell. I’ll pass that along.

One thing. How did my name come up?

Your name has been mentioned quite a bit around here.

For a position in the Trump Administration?

For stalking the President.

I’m devoted.

Our surveillance has caught you hiding in the palm trees.

I’m very devoted.

Noted. With your devotion in mind, President Trump and his advisors have been mentioning your name for a spot in our administration. So, he’s decided to float a trial balloon.

A trial in a hot air balloon? What’s the charge? Defamation? Should I start another fundraising drive? They’re all out to get me, you know. And it’s all BS.

Mr. Trump likes your thoughtful nuanced positions on Mexico. What do you know about Mexico?

What do I know? Ha! I was a Fox News reporter and anchor my whole life.

What do you know about Mexico?

Zip. Zero. Nada.

Can you tell me who the president of Mexico is?

Pancho Villa?

The president of Mexico is a woman.

Mrs. Pancho Villa?

No.

Evita Peron.

No. The president of Mexico is Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo.

My dog had Pardo. Very sad.

That’s Parvo.

Hm. Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo. Are those three different people? Is that a law firm? Are those the bastards who sued me for defamation in Maricopa county?

Mrs.Lake, President Pardo is one person, a respected scientist, an engineer and a published academic. Her work is widely read in the climate and sustainability field and-

Big deal! I’ve been ripping and reading news copy since Ted Knight won the Pulitzer.

Ted Knight won 2 Emmys. He never won a Pulitzer. Ted Knight was an actor.

Don’t fact check me. Next, you’ll try to tell me my idol “Mary Tyler Moore” wasn’t a real pioneering newswoman. I won’t buy it.

Sorry.

Don’t let it happen again.

Listen, Mrs. Lake, you will have to defend President Trump’s tariffs. Do you know what a tariff is?

Sure do! It’s short for “terrific”.

Try again.

It’s a French word. For hanky panky.

It’s a tax on imports.

I knew that! When I was Governor of Arizona, we tariffed “Pier One” totally out of business. Crushed them.

Tariff isn’t a verb, Mrs. Lake. Try again.

Heard of “Cost Plus World Market”, genius? It’s because of my gutsy tariffs they had to add the words “Cost Plus” to their name. Do not mess with this Mama Bear.

Nice try. Governors don’t have the power to implement tariffs.

Yes, we do and yes I did.

Noted. You will be representing the interests of the United States of America in Mexico. Can you find Mexico on a map?

Give me a hint.

When you visit the border for a photo op it’s the big country you stand in front of for your film crew. Behind the wall. Here’s another question for you. Mrs. Lake, what country is our number one trading partner?

What is this, “Jeopardy”? For the Daily Double Alex, what is Elon Muskovia?

Elon Muskovia is not a country, Mrs. Lake.

China? It’s got to be China. All my campaign merch was from China.

No, Mrs. Lake. Mexico is our number one trading partner.

That’s BS.

In 2023, the United States and Mexico traded more than $800 billion in goods. That’s more than China.

My head just exploded. Excuse me, honey lamb, can you turn down Fox News so I can hear this bozo on line one? Thanks, snookum. Anything else, quizmaster?

Mrs. Lake, what do you know about Mexico’s diverse culture?

Did Gaetz, Hegseth or RFK, Jr. have to go through this?

With this key position it’s important to President Trump you lack the essential qualifications. Now tell me what do you know about Mexico’s diverse culture?

Well, first, there’s the cuisine! I love “Del Taco”.

“Del Taco” is an American subsidiary of “Burger King”.

I’m pretty sure that’s fake news.

What do you know about Mexico’s diverse culture?

I know that Mexico has a diverse population.

Really?

Yes. Mexico has all kinds of rapists, murderers and drug dealers. Short ones, tall ones, skinny ones-

Noted. Well, it appears you have just the depth of ignorance the President wants in his Ambassador to Mexico. We’ll get back to you.

Tell him I am locked and loaded and ready to roll.

Will do.

One big problem. I am still the actual governor of Arizona. The election was sto-

You’ll have to resign that position.

Okay. Done. I resigned. I am no longer the actual governor of Arizona.

Huh?

It’s a state of mind.

Glad you are up to the job.

If you thought the cactus in Arizona was prickly wait till the new president of Mexico has to deal with me.

I’ll share this with the team.

You do that, Mr. Handlestick. And let Mexico know it had better strap on a Glock. Mama Bear’s coming.