"I was Trump's speechwriter"

My exclusive interview with Mr. Hedley Beedle

I had a chance to interview Mr. Hedley Beedle, the man former President Donald Trump referred to in a speech this week as “my speechwriter” on film. Some have speculated that when Trump recently revealed he relies on a speechwriter it was a dramatic sign of his cognitive decline, while others suggest it was just one more cynical headline grab by the convicted reality star.

Whatever the reason, Trump, said at a rally in Wisconsin this week, “The fake news will say, ‘Oh, he goes from subject to subject.’ Many people are saying I’m a genius. Hedley Beedle, my speechwriter. He’s the genius.”

I sat down with Mr. Beedle yesterday. He’s ruddy looking, middle-aged. He wore the Team Trump get up: a suit, red tie and a red MAGA cap low over his small, beady eyes, which he wore throughout the interview. I noticed his fingernails were manicured into sharp points and painted with black polish. He claimed he enjoys practicing playing blues on his guitar. “The devil’s music, many people say.”

A Proud Boy from “Team Trump” confiscated our film on our way out. Thinking ahead I secretly recorded our interview. Here is the transcript.

Me. Hedley Beedle in his basement office

The Interview

When did your relationship with President Trump begin?

I got hired as a writer for “The Apprentice” in its fourth season. I’d been writing and performing conceptual art pieces on the street while freelancing

as a dishwasher. I see you have a Mexican cameraman with you. Why would you hire an animal to do a white man’s job? Is he an illegal?

Our cameraman was born in San Jose and has been with NBC his whole life. What is wrong with you?

Why is that animal laughing? What is wrong with you?

After a series of interviews at NBC I met Donald in his penthouse and he told me he had a good feeling about me. Said I was phenomenal. I could tell I was sent by God to be his Gepetto. That’s when Team Trump introduced this Jeff Dunham to his Peanut. I’ve been with him since day one.

FitzSimons. That a Jewish name? You have hair like a Marxist.

Fitzsimmons. It’s Irish-American. I’m a mix, a mongrel. An American. Did you always want to be a speechwriter?

When I was a kid I wanted to be one of those guys on late night TV selling cheap Ronco products. I practiced selling worthless garbage to the other kids in the neighborhood. I was a natural. I could sell Stevie Wonder jet skis.

Then I wanted to be a TV evangelist. Have you been saved? Are you a Christian, Mr.Fitzsimmons? Let us pray in tongues. Let’s bow our heads.

No, thanks. I have more questions.

Elohim eloi hallelujah calypso von braun epsilon hosanna anna bobanna barnum wang dang doodle spit spat spitooey sputum Mahalia whomp bomp a loo bomp succotash! In the name of the most Holy One. Amen.

You done? You can get up now. What is Mr. Trump’s script memorization technique?

Oh, he’s laser focused. But the truth is without my mentoring he would have remained just another grade B actor, a bad comic, a two-bit reality TV star.

Team Trump makes sure we always study late in the morning when he’s as sharp as he’ll ever be, which is sharp as a marble made of tapioca pudding. We have to be done before the sundowning kicks in. That’s when he gets agitated, hallucinates about sharks and batteries and has delusions he’s a genius and then he’s up until 4AM posting and reposting the racist drivel we love.

So here’s how we did it yesterday. First I handed him his cue cards for the day, written out phonetically, and said, “Donald. Look at me. Listen. Listen!” I waved a french fry in front of him but that didn’t work. So I slapped him hard. That got his attention. Just for good measure I gave his neck collar a jolt. He yelped and dropped his goddam phone. Then we practiced. I said, “Here’s your first line. Repeat after me. ‘If elected I will cut…’ what?”

”Both my wrish.”

Love the slurring. Real “man of the people” feel to it. Cut my wrists! What a kidder! When he pulled that I slapped the remote out of his other hand, turned off all four TVs and screamed the line into his left ear. “If elected I will cut what?”

”Uh..Mike Pence down?”

Hilarious, right? That cost him another jolt from the car battery. I always carry one with me. Makes the alligator clips on his nipples spark. Makes Melania laugh. It’s worth it just to see Murdoch and Putin giggle.

I screamed in his right ear, “Stick to the script.” Murdoch pointed out I got his orange makeup on my nose and mouth. Putin loaned me his handkerchief and said, “Don’t worry. No nerve agent on handkerchief” and laughed. I turned back to focus on my student. I slapped the cheeseburger he just picked up out of his hand. “Say it! Say it. If elected I will cut—?”

“Melania off!” Zap number three. His skin is thick as a sea lion’s. Then I screamed, “Concentrate!”

“Concentrate?” he said. The Mar-a-lago messiah furrowed his brow like he was filling his Depends. “Uh…concentrate…concen—Concentration camps! I will cut… concentration camps out of the budget!”

We all screamed, “No!” Then he got desperate. Started guessing.

“What? TV. Man. car. shark. Is this a dementia test? I’ll cut Milwaukee! My toe nails. Alaska? Mars. Ukeleles. Ukraine! Ukraine! I’ll cut aid to Ukraine.” At last!He got it. The right answer. Every time he gets the right answer I slip a French fry or a kipper in his mouth. Like a circus act seal. Carrot and stick. Carrot and stick. That’s how he learns.

What is a work day like for you?

Long. But easy. I write the lines out on notecards with sharpies. We go over his favorite neo-Nazi or Q-Anon posts each day…then we watch Hannity and then I summarize that day’s material into simple words. Bleach cures Covid. POWs aren’t heroes..Good people were on both sides…

First day on the job at the White House back in 2016 I wrote this beauty: “Windmills cause Democrats. Not many people know that. And Democrats cause cancer.” He promised me a huge bonus for that one.

Has he paid you yet?

Come to think of it…

Did you ever study Linguistics?

Yes! I worked at Olive Garden where I studied Linguini and bread sticks for 2-years.

How would you describe Mr. Trump’s linguistic abilities?

Carefully. Are you offering a witness relocation plan? I’ll go with “informal”. I guess if he wanted me whacked I could always vanish in a puff of brimstone and return to Hades and hide out in Hell if my boy became testy.

What?

Nothing. I’m kidding.

You aren’t hiding anything under your hat like a pair of horns are you?

No. I have a terrible scalp condition.

I heard you’ve never been seen without the cap.

You got me. I’ve got horns. I’m the devil Trump struck a deal with. Ha ha ha.

Can we see?

No.

You write his big speeches ?

Easiest part of my job. The 16 bullet points are always the same.

1. Thank the base.

2. Hump the flag.

3. Ask if there are sharks backstage

4. Hate on President Joe Obama.

5. They’re coming after me, folks, with their fake news.

6. We have to make America great again.

7. Where are my Blacks, my Jews, my Hispanics? Team Trump is worried he’ll slip and say to the crowd, “Where are my brain cells?” Ha ha ha.

8. Close the border.

9. Free the January 6th political prisoners!

10. Build the wall!

11. Elect me to four terms!

12. The D.O.J., F.B.I., C.I.A., and INTERPOL are all coming after me and they’re coming after folks like you and President Hunter Biden can't put two sentences together!

13. The illegals are all rapists, murderers, animals, gypsies, tramps and thieves!

14. Retribution is coming. Round ‘em up, rough ‘em up and lock ‘em up!

15. Most people don’t know this: I can’t shoot a guy on Fifth Avenue and get away with it anymore because New York City won’t let Felons have guns! Why? Because they’re grooming farmers in our schools and it’s disgusting and the woke are sick people, folks, and that’s why we have to cut federal funding for banning Ivermectin and immunity for all police officers and NATO, including crooked Nikki Haley who should face a firing squad for what they’re doing to critical race theory by poisoning the blood of this upcoming election which, believe you me, will be rigged by AOC and the islamic jihad left-wing Congress and if we don’t there will be a bloodbath!

16. Dismantle the Federal Government and the Courts and God bless America and you. And me bless me.

That’s terrible.

Thank you.

Is the fact he’s a convicted felon changed any of the content of his speeches?

We cut the line “I’m a man of great conviction.” His base loves that he’s a criminal. Same country that loved Dillinger, Bonnie and Clyde, right?

Is it true you came up with “You’re fired”?

Yes, it’s true. When it came time to dump the losers on the show Trump needed a snappy catchphrase. By the fourth season “600-Pound Loser” was getting better ratings. Then came my stroke of genius.

I saved him.

I wanted him to use "You’re fired” so I made it the last thing on the list of ten choices I gave him. Team Trump loves giving him the illusion he has choices. Donald always picks the last line he reads because he has the attention span of a rat on meth in a cheese shop.

What was on the list?

1. Get lost!

2. Scram!

3. Go to Hell.

4. You’re gone!

5. Buh bye.

6. Am-scray.

7. Beat it.

8. Adios!

9. You are poisoning the blood of the other contestants.

10. You’re fired!

He went with it. He’s brilliant that way. His super smart brain is like a pinball machine bouncing from sharks to boats to batteries to vermin to bleach. His thoughts are flying ping ping ping ping. But he’s got the intuition of a truffle hunting pig.

I couldn’t help but notice your tongue. When did you get your tongue forked? I thought “tongue splitting” was popular among the fringe.

It’s congenital. It’s called “bifid tongue”.

Ouch. My bad. Sorry. Let’s move on. I was told you have a formula for making him sound like a genius. How do you make him sound smart?

It’s all in the phrasing. First he says, “Most people don’t know this.” Then he says, “I just learned blank”, or whatever…such as “France is a country!” Or Satan is real.” It’s easy! Then he adds, “People don’t know.”

My favorite tagline is “More than we’ve ever seen before.”

Here’s how it’s used. “Most people don’t know this. I just learned this. Many people are saying Biden’s wearing a baboon on his head and falling off of cliffs lately. Like Wiley coyote. More than we’ve ever seen before.”

What are some of your greatest hits?

Covfefe. Inject bleach. It’s all rigged. Fake news. Nuke the hurricane. Stable genius. Want to stop the wildfires? Rake the leaves on the forest floor…Person, woman, man, camera, TV…

Jewish Space lasers?

No. That’s all Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Team Trump judges our success on whether a phrase makes it into national headlines. We manage to do it daily. The media gobbles it up. Like feeding mice to Piranhas. Doesn’t matter what I write as long as it keeps him on the front page. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

If you’re writing everything for him what does Trump do?

He watches TV, rehearses, holds rallies, stiffs his lawyers, plans his unified Reich. Which was my idea by the way.

Also we’d like to replace the “high five” in American culture with “Heil Trump!” What do you think? Gimme five!

No, thanks. Seems his rally speeches have at least three elements.

You’re perceptive. He wants them to have a conversational tone, shocking language, and insulting content that’ll grab ratings. It’s all about ratings, Americans want to be entertained. Easiest copy to write on earth. I made him the man he is today, a blithering convicted felon, so I..I mean, so Donald can take over America and run it like it was his banana republic.

Do you mind that he adlibs superlatives?

He can use laxatives whenever he wants. Team Trump is really hoping he waits until after the debate. The good thing is he always wears Depends so our only concern is Biden saying he smells shit- and take it from me- that line could be bigger than “Where’s the beef?” or “I knew John Kennedy and you’re no John Kennedy.”

Superlatives. Not laxatives. Superlatives. The exaggerations.

Those aren’t adlibbed. I wrote them. All of them.

My line "Many people are saying…” for example, is pure genius. Put it in front of anything and you can say anything you want and it sounds like it’s a fact. Anything!

“Many people are saying… Chuck Schumer is a Muslim with three eyes.”

“Many people are saying… Biden killed JFK.”

“Many people are saying… I won the election.”

Speaking of smell what is that smell of sulfur I detect on your breath?

What smell?

And your shoes. If you don’t mind me asking…what is-

They conceal a deformity.

Oh, I’m sorry. They look like…hooves..

I have clubbed feet. Not many people know this but Goebbels had a club foot. He was a great speechwriter. Can we move on?

Why do you use rhetoric that echoes Hitler’s rhetoric for Trump’s speeches?

I know nuzzink. I know nuzzink!

Is that Sergeant Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes?

Vat are you? Ze Gestapo? Ja, Ja! You know there were good people on both sides..

Why are you using nazi terms in Trump’s speeches like “unified reich”, calling opponents “vermin” and saying border crossers are “poisoning the blood of our country”?

Got headlines didn’t it? Every time. We’re talking about it right now. No one’s talking about anything else. Score for Team Trump! I know nuzzink!

Thank you for your time.

It was my pleasure.