I loved getting letters

Wouldn't you?

I am so weary of Trump news I thought I’d dive into a different pool, this week.

I recently saw a clip of a dipstick at a Pima County Board of Supervisors meeting that caught my attention. A citizen in a snit showed up wearing an American flag T-shirt in case he went full-on silver alert and forgot which country he resided in, a cap that could not save him from heat stroke and a pappy beard and he was there to furiously give his elected representatives hell, berating four out of the five board members for “treasonous behavior”. I gave his tantrum five huffs on my huff-huff-huff meter.

“Pappy VonCrankypants” was one pissed off populist. Before gnawing on the podium and eating the microphone he said the four members of the board with whom he disagreed should face a firing squad. They should be executed for their traitorous ways. Executed.

Yeehaw.

String em up.

Off with their heads.

Shot and killed.

Give it a gander: Tucson.com/news/local/government-politics/tucson-pima-county-firing-squad

And to think that because I fear of arousing the hand wringing of law enforcement I whisper when I lament to my friends, “Why haven’t Trump’s Big-Mac-and-Cheese plaque engorged heart arteries killed the fat bastard yet?”

Although such thoughts are not criminal I can imagine a Trumper reporting they overheard a “Marxist red flag actor discussing a Big-Mac-and-Cheese plot to kill Donald.”

A trip back to the good old days before these good old days

Yawning at this local yokel threat of firing squad violence, to which we have grown way too accustomed, almost made me miss the snail mail “hate mail” I’d get at The Star. I was lucky to receive a lot of praise and encouragement from readers but I have to tell you it was the hate mail that made my day.

When we cartoonists gathered for our annual Association of American Editorial Cartoonists conventions we shared out finest hate mail with each other as badges of honor. Look what I got:

“I’d like to bend you over Hussein Obama’s desk and ass fuck you” was a favorite.

Some days I miss the good old days, the Jurassic, when Ev Mecham was Arizona’s Governor, the Republicans were harmless woolly mammoths and I’d get unhinged suggestions from his supporters suggesting “you should play bumper tag out on the interstate” or “go back to California with all your pot-smoking hippy weirdos” or worst “Russia!” That was back in the day, before Republicans loved Russia and hugged nazis, way back in the distant past before Walkmans, “Bette Davis eyes” and the internet, when bickering with harebrained hotheads was a fun way to waste time while waiting for the restraining order to get approved.

Now I never bother to troll the trolls. Only trolls rail fruitlessly against other trolls who are most likely Russian bots, dueling with their reflections in their favorite media outlet’s hall of mirrors.

Letters to the Editor

Some of what follows are fictitious amalgams. I have left many examples unedited and uncensored so you might enjoy the vile diet of right-wing rotten tomatoes that political cartoonists such as myself enjoyed daily.

Fitz
     You do get a dim view of the world don't you? Ever attempt to extract your head from your asshole?
Unsigned

 Dear Editor:
     Your cartoonist is a disgrace. 
     Do you even read your own paper? Do you see the obscene mud he slings in your paper? If you don’t fire him immediately I’m canceling my subscription---and I’m telling all my friends to cancel their subscriptions and they’re telling all their friends.
     Take your rag and shove it,
     Concerned

Dear Concerned--
     Your fine correspondence was forwarded to me here at my Fortress of Solitude. If you don’t stop writing me letters threatening to cancel your subscription I shall cancel your subscription immediately.
     Fitz

Dear Fritz,
     How dare you threaten to cancel my subscription!? Son of a bitch libtard! It’s my subscription. If anybody is canceling my subscription its going to be me. 
     Concerned

Dear Editor,
     Recently I called to cancel my subscription only to learn my subscription had been cancelled, reinstated and cancelled again by one of your employees. I demand you reinstate my subscription immediately. Or I shall be forced to cancel my subscription once you reactivate it.
     Concerned

SHITFitZ your are An AsSHOLE:
     canCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION IMMEDIATELY.
     CONCERNEDDDD

Dear CONCERNEDDDD:
     I am concerned the caps lock on your keyboard appears to be stuck. 
Fitz

Dear Mr Fitzsimmons
     You came and spoke to my class when I was in the 2nd grade. Now I’m a grandmother attending the University of Arizona. My great great great grand aunt Mabel loves your cartoons. 
     Could you autograph the one in today’s paper for her?
Yours,
Bambi Van Pelt

Bambi-
     Sure. Just bring it by the rest home.

I’ve been loathed forever

“Art by Que” from 1998.

Hey Fitz, you wouldn't know the truth if it sat on your face and wiggled. I always make sure your column is face up when I line the cat box. 
Have a nice day, jackass. 
Big D Bishop
Realtor

PS I really appreciate referrals

Dear Big D-
I got a referral for ya right here, you boombotz.
Fitz

Dear Titz-
     You're as worthless as tits on a javelina.
Yours,
      Jesus Fife Symington III

J-
Noted.
F-

Editor-
     Why give so much attention to Fitz's cartoons? This individual's only claim to life is in offending others. He will never be anything more. This relativist relic from Sodom and Gomorrah is like that modern progressive species of man homo-transgenderus that disdains other men with a backbone. They love to offend because they are always offended. There is a play with a fat transformer as the star called "Hairspray". That man best captures the soul of Fitz, a transgendered brainwashed clown.
Bob
Nogales

Bob-
WTF?
Fitz

Fitz-
You make me so mad. Your a leftwing liberal dick whose not worth my time. I will not read you're trash ever again!
Edna Balonga Bivens

Ms. Bivens-
     Mr.Fitzsimmons wanted me to thank you for your lovely note sharing your thoughts about his work. It was so profound it was easy to overlook your inability to distinguish your "your's" from your "yours". 
     Your opinion matters greatly to Mr. Fitzsimmons. Your opinion matters so greatly he asked me to commission French monks to hand letter your insightful missal onto an illuminated manuscript which will be cured, sprinkled with gold dust and then recited to Mr. Fitzsimmons by a Shakespearean actor while he lounges on a golden sheepskin, plucks his harp and dines on grapes at sunset while overlooking the Rillito.
     Respectfully,
     Tabby LeZardo
     Personal Assistant to Mr. Fitzsimmons
     Globally Syndicated Pulitzer Prize Finalist
     Pork Rind Gourmand
     Javelina Wrangler

I edited this next one to protect the identity of the author:

I appreciate the direct approach. Edited, once again, to protect your tender innocence:

Dear Asshole-- I hate your fucking bullshit cartoons and I hate you, you worthless piece of leftist shit. You are so full of bullshit! Shove your Marxist bullshit paper up your ass and go fuck yourself. Signed, Anonymous Nice try, mom. I recognized your handwriting. D.F.

Bi-assed

Dear Socialist:
Why can’t you be more fair and balanced and not so prejudiced? You are so biassed! A Fair Minded American  

Dear Fair Minded American- 
 I've been accused of many things but I've never been accused of being "biassed". Your description of this political cartoonist as "prejudiced, unfair and unbalanced" is accurate. 
That is our job description. 
But "biassed"? I can assure you I have never possessed two asses. Just the one.
Fitz 

Even more succinct praise!

Fitz' view is tasteless and callous. 
Shirley

Shirley,
Thank you! 
Appreciatively, David

Dear Fitz, 
I am sick of you constantly criticizing  your country. Love it or love it. 
Your Editor  

Dear Editor,  
That's why you hired me, remember? What happened? Did an advertiser chomp down on your nards at the country club?  Were you neutered at a Chamber meeting? 
Pussy.
Fitz 

Here’s an amalgam of my 2 favorite typos:

Dear Mr. Titzsimmons,  
You are nothing but a low down character assassassin.  
Respectfully, 
Senator Tungsten Weeberflugle 

Senator- 
You have one too many asses in "assassin". Much as you are evidence that there are too many asses in Congress.   
Ever onward 
The Ink Assassin  

The joy of substack is that those days are behind me. I can only fantasize about the constructive dialogues I’m missing.

Fitz- 
I hope Trump wins the White House back and sends the deranged haters like you and all your libtard friends to prison. 
That would make America great Again. 
Up yours,
Patriot  

Patriot- 
I hope Biden wins reelection and sends Trump and all his friends to prison. That would make America great Again. 
Fitz  

Fitz, 
I hope YOU go to prison.
Patriot

Patriot, 
I hope YOU go.
Fitz

You!
Patriot

You!
Fitz

ARgh!
Patriot

Ditto!
F