I hope HBO is listening

And Kari Lake, too

My fantasy begins this way: I walk into the offices of HBO. I tell the guard and the receptionist, “I’m there to see the head of production.”

Next thing I know I’m on the elevator to the 40th floor. Everyone is waiting in the boardroom for me. I tell them my concept is inspired by their incredibly successful series “The Wire”. I tell them my idea will win HBO another Peabody and, “I guarantee you it will sweep the Emmy’s. I call it ‘Arizona Wire’.”

“Interesting,” they say in unison as they all lean towards me. “Tell us more. Tell us more,” they all say.

Holding my hands outstretched as if framing a large TV screen I say, “Picture this: A gritty portrayal of the gritty high stakes game of politics in the gritty city of Phoenix featuring storylines that center around-are you ready for this? - wiretapping.”

The chairman leans back in his chair and says,” Keep talking.”

“My drama series will chronicle the ups and downs of gritty political campaigns, the smoke-filled rooms, the dirty deals and all in one gritty county, Maricopa County, as it follows a gritty former Fox News Anchor named Kari Lake as she does whatever it takes-and I do mean whatever it takes- to become the most powerful politician ever to rule the party in her gritty state.”

“How many episodes?”

“Eight. Episode One: The head of the State GOP, Jeff DeWitt, feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of him attempting to bribe her to back off her run for the Senate. Will he cave? It’s a cliffhanger.

Episode Two: DeWitt caves.  Attendees at the State GOP Conference feel the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of each of them telling her why they thought none of the other attendees were as loyal as they were to Donald Trump.  And each one names who they believe are the RINO traitors who should be driven out of the party. Who will Kari handpick to be the next head of the state GOP? It’s a cliffhanger.

Episode Three: Kari’s hand-picked candidate to be the next Chair of the State GOP feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of him saying he actually admired the late Senator John McCain and he thought Trump was ‘way off base’ when he said POWs are not heroes. He resigns and throws himself into the Grand Canyon. Kari’s next hand-picked candidate to be the next Chair of the State GOP feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of her saying she’d ‘do anything to be the next Chair of the Party.’ Anything? Stay tuned!

Episode Four: At home in Scottsdale Kari’s adult children feel the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of each of them telling her why they hate each of their siblings. Kari feels the heat when Mr. Lake threatens to play one of the many recordings he secretly recorded. Later that day Kari feels the heat when she is confronted by all her adult children who threaten to play the recordings that they’ve been secretly recording for months.

Ratings for the next episode will be through the roof!”

The entire boardroom nodded enthusiastically in unison.

“Shall I continue?”

Again, the entire boardroom nodded enthusiastically in unison.

“Episode Five: Mr. Lake feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording she has if he goes through with his threat to play any of the recordings he has. President Trump feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of him, during her last visit to Mar-a-Lago, telling her what he wants her to do for him if he’s going to choose her as his running mate.

Episode Five: Kari feels the heat when Kari’s campaign manager threatens to play the recording he secretly recorded of her saying ‘unpleasant’ things about Trump that he might be very interested to hear. Kari’s campaign manager feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording that she secretly recorded of him saying the Big Lie ‘is just that. A big lie.’ He resigns and throws himself into the Grand Canyon.

Episode Six: Kari feels the heat when her personal cameraman threatens to play the “blooper reel” he claimed he deleted after they ambushed candidate Ruben Gallego at the airport months before. Kari then feels the heat when her personal cameraman threatens to play the recording of her ‘losing her shit and calling him a goddam good for nothing son of a bitch that she knew she never should have trusted, and he should watch his ass because she knows people.’ It’s a cliffhanger, right? Who are the people she knows?

Episode Seven: Kyrsten Sinema feels the heat when Kari threatens to play the recording she recorded when they got into a verbal cat fight in a restroom at Sky Harbor over alleged poor fashion choices, crow’s feet, Botox and how much cleavage ‘is appropriate’. A ratings blockbuster! Am I right?

Episode Eight: With her political future hanging in the balance Kari does the unthinkable. To preserve a hidden wiretap in the state GOP headquarters in gritty downtown Phoenix Kari insists the light bulb over the newly elected party chairman’s desk doesn’t need replacing. She climbs on top of her desk and tells her not to touch the ‘Goddam light bulb. I’ll change it in the morning.’ Will she tell her she’s nuts? Will she insist she can change it right then and there? Roll the credits. That’s the end of season one. Hell of a teaser for Season Two, am I right? I think your viewers will love it.”

And then I reach into my pocket, depress the small button and say, “I hope you don’t mind that I recorded all this. It’s an Arizona thing.”