Here is how we can tell you're one of Arizona's fake electors

You're not sweating because it's summer

We can tell you’re a fake elector who’s anxious about your legal fate because these days your “Lock her up” chants lack enthusiasm.

Arizona fake electors group portrait

Any fool can tell you’re a fake elector who is fretting over your fate because at gatherings you’ve been overheard blurting out odd remarks without any prompting such as, “Joe Arpaio’s use of chain gangs was an abominable practice that must never be revived! NEVER! Freedom!”

Unlike all your Republican pals in Sun City you stopped watching Fox News because these days you’re watching ALL the news channels for one good reason: So you can catch the “indictment alerts” that Fox ignores.

We know you’re sweating and fretting and spending your days googling “Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes” — when you’re not on Q-Anon websites shopping for bear spray or escape pods.

Every Arizonan can tell you’re a fake elector wringing your hands over a possible prison sentence.

Here are the top three confessions your fellow fakers have been memorizing:

1. “Your Honor, cyber ninjas fed me bamboo from Wuhan laced with ultra-violet brain bleach that turned me into their MAGA mind slave.”

2. “Your Honor, I swear I have given up jimson weed, Tucker, buffalo headdresses and overturning the will of the people.”

3. “I drank the fool-aid, your honor. I thought this operation was going to be like a ‘Mission Impossible’ movie, a fun, harmless scheme to end democracy, hang Mike Pence, install Donald as our dictator and nothing more.”

We know you’re a fake elector and we know you know you’re cooked.

We’ve heard from friends that the bags you packed back in January of 2021 for “the trip of a lifetime” to Washington, D.C., are now packed for a very long stay in Florence or Perryville or Wilmot…

We know you’re one of Arizona’s eleven fake electors because you’re desperate to figure out how to delete Donald Trump’s personal phone number while keeping Congressman Paul Gosar’s pro-Nazi tweets on your phone.

Everyone knows you’re a fake elector who’s sweating bullets because you’ve suddenly become an expert in Arizona law. Well, one Arizona law, to be specific.

ARS 13-2406: A person commits impersonating a public servant if such person pretends to be a public servant and engages in any conduct with the intent to induce another to submit to his pretended official authority or to rely on his pretended official acts.

In spite of ARS 13-2406 being a Class 1 Misdemeanor you’re not reassured that you won’t be facing additonal charges that are felonies. You heard three of your fellow fake electors are getting tattoos to prepare for prison. Here they are ranked in popularity:

1. “The Elector”

2. “Donnie’s Bitch”

3. “Fake this”

We know you’re panicking. Why? Because you’ve been overheard wondering if it’s true that “Finchem” is a verb used by convicts to describe an unpleasant act.

We know you’re toast because you started using words like “electoral college” and “thwart” for the first time in your life.

And that’s when your sole defense became “Hey! I’m not the only one! My MAGA buddies in seven other states did it, too! They all signed fake elector things-in an attempt to thwart the Electoral College.”

Every Arizonan sees you pacing. And we know half of your fellow fake electors thought the Electoral College was a school in Glendale for electricians.

Every Arizonan knows that as a fake elector under investigation you ask yourself five questions every morning:

1. MAGA hat or paper bag with eyeholes?

2. When will the Deep State call me in for questioning and how far is it to the border?

3. If I’m a Republican official I’m clearly insane, right? Couldn’t “insanity” be a sound defense for playing a part in an insane criminal conspiracy?

4. Will I one day share a cell with any real live Cyber Ninjas?

5. Does the Attorney General have Jewish space lasers aimed at me right now and will this tinfoil protect me?

We Arizonans know you and every other fake elector have googled “what is Arizona standard state prison cell size” and “AZ prison food reviews”. At least once.

We know you are hard at work right now selling signed fake copies of your fake certificates on e-bay to raise funds to offset your impending legal fees. And we know your lawyers will do to you what you tried to do to our country.

We know you have nightmares about being a homeless ex-con years from now carrying a sign and extending your soiled MAGA hat to indifferent drivers on Arizona’s Interstate off-ramps.

We Arizonans know you’re hard at work right now practicing making the claim you never heard of any of your fellow travelers in the news without breaking a sweat.

Or soiling yourself.

And the truth is that you’re not very good at claiming you never heard of Rudy Giuliani. Or Mike Pence. Or Mark Meadows.

Or Arizona’s fake elector Nancy Cottle, the first vice president of programs for the Arizona Federation of Republican Women. Or fake elector Loraine B. Pellegrino, the past president of Ahwatukee Republican Women. Or fake elector Tyler Bowyer, the chief operating officer of Turning Point USA.

Or Arizona’s fake elector Jake Hoffman, Arizona’s state representative who runs Rally Forge the digital marketing company that was banned from Facebook and suspended from Twitter for peddling pro-Trump bullshit.

Or Arizona’s fake elector Anthony Kern, the Arizona state representative who participated in the seditious Jan. 6 riots in D.C. and breached the building! Or fake elector Jim Lamon, the failed U.S. Senate candidate. Or fake elector Robert Montgomery, the former chair of the Cochise County Republican Committee. Or fake elector Samuel Moorhead, the second vice chair of the Gila County Arizona Republican Party. Or fake elector Greg Safsten, the former executive director of the Republican Party of Arizona. Or fake elector Dr. Kelli Ward the former chair of the Arizona Republican Party. Or fake elector Dr. Michael Ward, her husband.

You’re getting so good at peddling bullshit you can now claim with a straight face you never heard of Donald J. Trump. Even in front of a Grand Jury. "Name’s not familiar… could you repeat that name again?”

Note to fake electors: In case you were wondering the average cell size in Arizona’s prison system is the answer is 12-feet by 7-feet.

References:

https://www.azcentral.com/story/opinion/op-ed/ej-montini/2023/08/15/fake-electors-arizona-should-be-real-defendants-georgia/70598668007/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/2023/07/13/investigation-2020-election-results-arizona-trump/

https://www.azmirror.com/2022/06/29/updated-trumps-fake-electors-heres-the-full-list/

https://www.azcentral.com/story/news/politics/elections/2023/08/15/will-arizona-be-next-for-indictments-on-trump-related-charges-what-to-know-about-mayes-investigation/70593316007/