HEADLINES OF THE WEEK

Read 'em and weep

Seemed to this old newsroom junkie it was just a normal week out west. Let’s review the week in headlines from around the newsroom.

KARI LAKE VOWS SHE WILL TAKE 2024 SENATE WIN CASE TO COURT IF SHE WINS SENATE RACE, “THERE’S ALWAYS SHENANIGANS”, “VOTE COUNT’S ALWAYS RIGGED!”

UA PRESIDENT ROBBINS CALLS FOR CUTS TO OFFSET $240,000,000 SHORTFALL, HARD HIT STUDENTS AGREE, IMMEDIATELY SET ABOUT CONSTRUCTING GUILLOTINE ON MALL

SANTA PETITIONED TO STEP DOWN, CRITICS DEEM ST. NICK “TOO OLD FOR JOB AT 800-YEARS OF AGE”

HOUSE GOP TO IMPEACH BIDEN, JOHNSON APPOINTS REPS. INNUENDO (R), RUMOR (R) AND SPECULATION (R) TO CO-CHAIR HEARINGS

KARI LAKE THANKS SANTA FOR CHRISTMAS DREAM COME TRUE, “KYRSTEN SINEMA RUNNING AS INDEPENDENT, SPLITTING RACE WITH GALLEGO INTO TIGHT 3-WAY RACE, HO, HO, HO!”

BORDER ASYLUM SEEKERS BETTER OF SEEKING ASYLUM AT AMERICAN INSANE ASYLUMS, WHERE POLICY CLEAR, CONSISTENT, MORE HUMANE

INSPIRED BY UNITED AUTOWORKERS TOYMAKER ELVES UNIONIZE, SET TO STRIKE, CEO CLAUS ENLISTS ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN AS SCABS

KISSINGER “LOOKINK FORWARD TO ZEEING NIXON IN HELL”, REGRETS NEGOTIATING DEAL “MIT SATAN ON NIXON’S BEHALF”

OLD PUEBLO’S NOVEMBERS WARMING FASTER THAN REST OF COUNTRY’S NOVEMBERS, EXPERTS PREDICT “WINTER VISITORS“ TO BE KNOWN AS “THREE WEEKS IN JANUARY VISITORS”

HOME SALES WORST IN 30-YEARS, INVENTORY SO LOW, REALTOR SPOTTED FIGHTING BOBCAT OVER AVAILABLE DEN

NINE-YEAR OLD APACHE JUNCTION GIRL REPORTS BARBIE BEACH HOUSE STOLEN BY REALTOR

SANTOS EXPELLED FROM CONGRESS, GOP FINED FOR NOT CLEANING UP “TALKING DOG WASTE’ ON SIDEWALK OUTSIDE CAPITOL

CLOSURE OF BORDER CROSSING TO ROCKY POINT BEACH PROPERTIES, LEAVING THOUSANDS OF ARIZONA TOURISTS IN PERIL OF LOSING TANS

ARIZONA’S ANTI-SEMITIC GOP LAWMAKERS CLAIM THEY ARE “PERSECUTED VICTIMS”, PERSECUTED BY “ANTI-NAZI BIGOTS AND WOKE HATERS OF HOLOCAUST DENIERS”

ARIZONA BORDER TOWN LUKEVILLE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE UNVEILS NEW MOTTO “GATEWAY TO HELL”

U.S. COURT OF APPEALS REJECTS TRUMP’S CLAIM OF IMMUNITY FOR LAWSUITS RELATED TO BIG LIE, INSURRECTION AND FREQUENT ASSERTION OF DIVINE RIGHT GRANTED TO ALL BURGER KINGS

PIMA COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT DEPUTY ARRESTS REPORTER AT PROTEST, SHERIFF NANOS CLAIMS REPORTER CARRYING DEADLY WEAPONS, PENCILS, NOTEBOOK

COCHISE COUNTY REPUBLICANS FACE FELONY CHARGES FOR REFUSING TO DISEMBARK ALIEN SPACECRAFT, CERTIFY 2022 ELECTION RESULTS

CLIMATE CHANGE TRIGGERING MASS DENIAL IN REAL ESTATE INDUSTRY, “WHAT WATER ISSUE?”

ARIZONA REALTORS LINE UP BY THOUSANDS, ELBOWING KIDS TO ASK MALL SANTAS FOR “ENDLESS WATER SUPPLIES FOR CHRISTMAS”

TRAGEDY STRIKES FOURTH AVENUE STREET FAIR WHEN ELDERLY SHOPPER WALKS COUNTERCLOCKWISE INTO FOOT TRAFFIC “HIGH ON FUNNEL CAKES, FRY BREAD AND KETTLE CORN FUMES”