Headlines, headlines, headlines

Your Friday Fitz fix

Here are the top headlines of the week of June 9th:

Business boosters claim state has enough water for new housing, ‘javelina don’t stink” and saguaros are “huggable”

Reality star known for phrase “You’re fired!” meets prosecutor known for phrase “You’re indicted!”

Mob boss claims innocence as Fed dragnet widens, taking down criminal enterprise know as “Republican Party”

State law mandates subdivisions must have 100-year water supply, business leaders ask for clarification, “Which 100-years?”

Trump demands Supreme Court change credo on pediment to “Equal justice under law for everyone except citizens with initials DJT”

Pence reportedly hoped feds would back down, fearing being struck by lightning “if a court asks me to place my hand on a Bible”

Trump informed by Department of Justice he faces 7 indictments

Trump informed by Federal Bureau of Prisons Big Macs not on prison menu

Mike Pence, self-proclaimed “Christian, conservative, and Republican, in that order”, declares Presidential run

87% of Americans polled proclaim Mike Pence, ”Whore, opportunist, toady. In that order”

TV evangelist Pat Robertson dies at 93, God says, ”Who?”

Goddess greets TV evangelist Pat Robertson in Paradise, asks, ”What did you say about feminists being Satanic?”

Candidate who won White House by accusing Hillary Clinton of mishandling classified documents indicted for mishandling classified documents

Republican National Committee reverses stand on prohibiting felons from voting, running for office

Republican National Committee to permit “any candidate delivering acceptance speech in cuffs and ankle bracelet”

Trump indicted, first federal prosecution of former president in U.S. history

Trump indicted, 1, 327th federal prosecution of crime family mob boss in U.S. history

Special counsel Jack Smith announces involuntary summer seminar on “Rule of Law” for nation

Republican state senator Jake Hoffman introduces bill banning practice of filming pornography in K-12 schools, “So I can keep screwing our public schools without being filmed”

Costs of Arizona school voucher program up 1,400% more than GOP estimated, telling parents “basic math is overrated”

Arizona Rep Andy Biggs calls for nation to look at squirrel during Trump trial

Arizona Rep Andy Biggs calls for impeachment, indictment of President Biden for mishandling classified advertising section of Washington Post

Arizona Rep Andy Biggs calls for insurrection to protest “persecution of insurrectionists”

Georgia Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene calls for nation to look at shiny tin foil on string during Trump trial

Arizona Rep Paul Gosar calls for nation to look at neo-nazi rally videos instead of Trump trial

Arizona lawmaker proposes banning use of word “haboobs” in mixed company

Pima County Sheriff’s Department investigating shocking allegations ingredients in “Soylent Green Valley” are “People”

Guinness World Records questions area man’s assertion laundry dried before he could hang it on the clothesline

Threats, acts of violence toward queer community come from hooligans citing credo on WWJD bracelets, Who Would Jesus Demonize

Tucson City Council passes resolution condemning “white socks with sandals”

Attorney Saul Goodman declines Trump’s invitation to join legal defense team citing ethical standards and “reputation to consider”

Climate change survey: Swimming pool owners feel 89% less guilty about owning pools in July