Headlines, headlines, headlines

All the news that Fitz

Here are the headlines:

Arizona, California and Nevada sign three-year deal to conserve water by moving to Wisconsin

Party leadership admits phrase “that’s not what our constituents want” refers to billionaire donors

Mike Pence launches bid for White House in hopes of locating testicles left in Oval Office

Experts claim Phoenix lacks groundwater to meet growth in next 100-years, GOP asks “what about 100-years after next 100-years?”

Arizona economy built on endless growth predicted to shift to economy built on endless apocalypse, gun, bear spray sales

Justice Department obtains recording of former President Trump shooting person on 5th Avenue, Merrick Garland weighs charges

Courageous decision to limit Phoenix-area construction comes after entire valley bladed

Boosters: Arizona to become “greatest semiconductor, microchip manufacturer in world” with water formerly used to grow food

Rural farmers who call subsidies “Marxist Welfare” accept massive influx of federal money to not use water

As growth-addicted economy shrinks “Arizonans for growth” cite need for development of economic methadone

Billionaire confesses to creating Stepford wife, Ginni Thomas, in lab for Clarence Thomas, concedes “flaws”, multiple screws loose

Climate change, drought, market forces warning potential employers to look to other states for corporate welfare

Congressman Paul Gosar denies attending neo-Nazi rally, claims at time was “busy strangling doves with dental floss and underlining passages in Mein Kampf with chapstick”

Elon Musk warns A.I. developers Artificial Intelligence days away from creating Artificial Turf

In Arizona catchphrase popularity survey “But it’s a dry heat” takes 3rd place behind 'Should I move?”, “ Are we running out of water?"

Suburban sprawl dies of thirst in desert

Kari Lake contemplating fall decision to run for Senate, lose and declare victory

Arizona Republican Party loses appeal to outlaw early voting, announces move to outlaw state Supreme Court

Freedom From Religion Foundation warns Peoria School Board stop snake handling, speaking in tongues, advocating stonings during public meetings or face exorcism

Kari Lake claim she performed “81 million votes my ass” with J6 Prison Choir on American Idol winning “Golden Buzzer” victory challenged

Simon Cowell asserts Lake failed to survive audition, Lake demands Grammy for Best Recording by Artist whose Election was Stolen or “I’ll sue!”

Tom Horne’s education complaints hotline flooded with crank calls, robocalls, tinfoil hat transmissions from “the usual” wingnuts

Brown bear found in Bob Dobb’s cooler with 8-empty kegs, hired to tend bar

Suicide prevention center to post hotline number at entrance to all hiking trails through September

Crews battling Wildfire at Biosphere 2 confirm wildfire contained inside hastily constructed Biosphere 3

In rare historical moment, American flag seen flying at full staff

Carnival operator arrested for animal abuse, charged with offering June Bug rides to toddlers

Border patrol agents arrest entire nation of Mexico in record breaking border stop

Arizona Republic reporters strike for fair wages, unaware they are working for Gannett owned plantation

Which brings me to my favorite source of Arizona political news:

Fentanyl floods state, DPS Warns drivers “Do not enter washes when flooded with Fentanyl”

Weather update: Sunny, hot, clear days to be followed by sunny, hot, clear weeks with sunny, hot, clear decade

Shanty on 4th Avenue declared Unesco World Heritage Site, citing cultural significance to every journalist south of Gila River

Have a beautiful week. Ever onward, my friends.