Headed for Hell Headlines

Western reservoirs fall to record low levels, Donald Trump, Jr., uses insider knowledge to invest in powdered water with crypto kings

NEW ODYSSEY REVIEWED: FAR SUPERIOR TO OLD HONDA MINI-VANS, AUTOMATICALLY PULLS OVER FOR SIRENS

House votes to halt Iran War

WIDESPREAD BOMBING, SCATTERED BACKPEDALING FORECAST IN MIDDLE EAST

House votes to halt Iran War Again

TRUMP BOMBS AT RESCHEDULED WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER, TORTURES AUDIENCE

Middle East War Widens Like You Knew It Would-With Orange Hitler in Command

Saudi Arabia Reluctantly Enters U.S.-Iran War, Bone Saw Brigade and Fanatical Airline Hijackers ready to go

WITH COLORADO RIVER CUTS COMING, LAKE HAVASU CITY LEADERS SAYS “CUTS ARE ALL JUST WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE”

House votes to halt Iran War Again

TRUMP BOMBS AT RESCHEDULED WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER, BLAMES JOE BIDEN FOR ‘TERRIBLE’ JOKES

Middle East Conflict Widens into Global War As Any Idiot Could Have Told President Trump

House votes to build Iran War Memorial next to Vietnam Memorial in view of Triumphant Trump Arch

TRUMP BLAMES MENTALIST FOR JOKES, “Why didn’t he warn me? Investigate him.. He’s probably a Communist psychic.”

WAR ESCALATES, PRESIDENT SAYS “I LIKE ESCALATORS. GOLD ONES ”

Ivanka and Jared buy new property in Mediterranean Sea, Little Known Greek Island of Cyclosporiasis

Your Guide to Summer Fun: Smoky up north, Floods in the South, Diarrhea out West, Drought in Southwest

Trump warns gala of “threat of communism in the lettuce causing explosive Islamic terrorism”, pirouettes off stage into ambulance

RFK JR. DENIES “GREAT LETTUCE SCARE OF 2026” OUTPACING LINUS’ “GREAT PUMPKIN SCARE” OF 1966

Trump orders new signage,“Warning: This Smithsonian museum contains factual history known to cause MAGA heads to explode.”

MCCONNELL LIVES ON IN NEXT ANNE RICE NOVEL, SUCKING ‘BLOOD MONEY’ FROM BILLIONAIRE BLUEGRASS DEMONS

‘White House Correspondents' Association’ Dinner to change name to ‘Trump Enablers Association’ Dinner

White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner to be Sponsored by Purina’s ‘Good Puppy Pal’ Lap Dog Treats

Decomposing Corpse Brushes Aside Tarantulas to Announce 6th Senate Seat Run from Congressional Crypt

TRUMP TO END MEDICARE PART D IN 2027, ASSURING SENIORS ‘THEY WON’T LIVE TO VOTE AGAIN’

Hearing Shocker: Dr.Fauci claims there is no known cure for Senator Rand Paul, suggests masking up

Senate & House Republicans’ Midterm Winning Pitch for Voters is “Suck it up, you weak pathetic crybabies.”

FOX NEWS ROUNDUP: Senator Mitch McConnell found living in Hangar 51, 1969 moon landing faked by Dr. Fauci, Cher and Elvis seen dancing nude in Reflecting Pool, Fox Host Jesse ‘Had it coming’ Watters raped outside US Naval Base.

In answer to ‘most Measles in 25-years’, RFK Jr. said to be ‘unable to connect the dots’

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth commits to collect each male soldier’s Testosterone sample personally

Canada cancels joint bridge celebration with US, citing Trump trade threats, new bridge capacity for holding vast weight of “Trump’s Orange Tub of Blithering Bilge”

Taxidermist called to Senator McConnell’s hospital room

No Rain, again, Monsoon clouds arrested, charged with deception, false advertising

14 YOUNG SOLDIERS DEAD IN TRUMP’S WAR DESIGNED TO DISTRACT FROM CHILD RAPE CHARGES, SNAP CUTS TO KIDS

MAGA Republicans abandoning “Children are our future” theme

Republicans accept responsibility for torching entire planet, “You’ll forget and re-elect us like you always do, to ‘Make Rubble Great Again’ ”

FAUCI PLEADS 5TH, DODGES QUESTIONS ON THEORY SENATOR RAND PAUL CREATED BY THREE STOOGES IN WAKANDA LAB

Weather Forecast calls for residents to be on lookout for javelinas doing backstroke in flooded arroyos

U.S. Mint Unveils Gold Coin Series Commemorating President’s Failed Attempts to Repair Reflecting Pool

Tired of taking the heat for “Dog Days of Summer”, canines protest for more pool diving, puddle wallowing, garden hose showers

MAGA guts $38 billion Affordable Care Act, asks to spends $37 billion on endless war, saying “We don’t believe in government waste”

IN RESPONSE TO WATER CUTS IN WEST TRUMP PLEDGES RETALIATORY STRIKES ON UPPER COLORADO RIVER BASIN

With drastic Colorado River cuts looming citizens of Quartzite vote to forego showers for foreseeable time

Arizona Republicans elect all MAGA ticket, all on board Trump train headed for cliff in upcoming election

Trump to permit Saudis to develop nuke program after reading ‘Revelations’, ‘9/11 Findings’, confirming WH bunker finish date

Drastic Colorado River cuts loom, citizens of Scottsdale vow to sacrifice daily bidet spritz on assholes and other area electeds

TRUMP SAYS “IRAN IS GOING TO GET A BEATING” Survey says so will drivers gassing up tank this week

NATION OF ISRAEL LOST IN DESERT OF OWN MAKING, BEGINS 40-YEAR EXILE, WANDERING WITHOUT A MOSES

Thousands using Arizona Vouchers to take “How To Scam State Education Programs” course offered at ‘Republican Play Land’

Monsoon Season Alert: Tucsonans warned to watch for Carnival Cruise Liners in flooded desert washes

Record Breaking 200-lb Santa Cruz River Trout Caught Actually Ted Cruz Fleeing Inclement Weather in Texas