God checks His-Her-Their Prayermail messages
Lord, hear our prayer. At least, hit "playback".
When I knelt to pray the other night, I got God’s Prayer-mail. “Hello, you’ve reached He-Who-is-Him, She-Who-is-Her, They-Who-is-Them, the all-knowing, all-powerful, omnipotent One. Please leave thy prayer at the sound of the beep and God will get back to thee in the wink of an eye. Or not. Thou knoweth what they sayeth: I work in mysterious ways my wonders to perform. If thou wish to stay on the line for an eternity thou may. Thou art number 3,455,294,901 in line. Please know I’ll get to answering your prayer as soon as I can. At the sound of the beep record your-”
I got up off my knees and ended the connection.
Later that night I had a vision. I saw God checking his Prayer-mail messages. “You have 5,346,234,001,008 recorded prayer messages. Push 1 to listen. Push 2 to delete.”
God pushed 1. “Lord! If you could spare the life of my—“And lo, God had heard that one 1,567,333,451 times today already. “I can only do so much.” And lo, God pushed 2. Beep.
“I’m begging you, Lord, if—“ Beep. Next.
“Most merciful Allah, my child is—“ Beep. Next.
“Our Father who -“God preferred originality. Beep. “Except when it comes to sin.” That was God’s favorite personal joke.
“Our Fa-“Beep. Next.
“Our- “Beep. Next.
“Hail, Mary- “ Beep. Next.
“Hai-“ Beep. Next.
“Allah- “ Beep. Next!
“Lord- “ Beep. Next!!
“Yahweh-“ Beep. Next!!!
“God, grant me the serenity to-“Being all knowing, God knew all of these by heart. And verily, God’s patience is not infinite. Beep.
“God, grant me- “Beep.
“God, gran- “Beep.
“God save America from the liberal satanic Marxist pedo-—“Beep.
“God save the King- “Beep.
“Lord God thank you for sending us Donald Trump to save-“And lo, God’s wrath was great and He-She-They pushed the green button on God’s Phone with the white phone symbol on it, turning it as red as Lucifer’s face, thus ending the playback of God’s recorded Prayer-mail messages.
God took a deep breath, said, “God, forgive me,” laughed at the humor of that remark, shook off a few lightning bolts and redialed. “To play back Thy messages touch 1.”
And lo, God touched 1 to continue.
“Lord, give us the strength to smite our en- “And lo, God hit the 6 button three times, forwarding the prayer supplicant’s message, and return address, to Hell’s Reservation Desk. “Ugh,” sayeth the Lord and then verily, He-She-They tapped 1 to continue.
“O most powerful God strike them all dea- “God dialed 6-6-6 again. Then 1 to continue.
“Why? Why? Why is this happening to-“ God felt infinitely bad about these prayers but what could God do? God is only God. Beep.
“To confirm your dental appointment with us call 1 (069) 453-6678. “ God made a mental note of the appointment. And fired off a lightning text to ask St.Peter why God was getting personal calls on Prayer-mail line. Beep.
“Lord, please send our thoughts and prayers to the families caught in the middle of this terrible shoot-“ Beep. “Maybe it is time for another Flood. Or maybe I should just let them end it all,” thought God.
“Sending our thoughts and pr-“ Beep.
“Sending my thoughts -“ Beep. Next.
“Sending my tho-“ Beep. Next.
“Sending my—“Beep. Next!
“Sending—“ Beep. Yawn. Next.
“Into your hands we commend the soul of—“ God knoweth all the names. Beep.
“Into your hands—“ Beep. God thought, “Busy night at admissions.”
“Into—“ Beep.
“In—“ Beep.
“Lord, we’ve gathered here today to dedicate this battlefield to the soldiers who—“ Beep. And lo, the Lord thought, “Ye, Gods, they will never learn. How many centuries has it been?”
“As we mourn the—-“ Beep.
“As we—-“ Beep. And lo, God shook His-Her-Their mighty head.
“We are still waiting for you to confirm your dental appoint-“ Beep. And lo, God dispatched a tornado to a dental office in Des Moines.
“We thank you for this food— “ Beep. “Nice! Thou art welcome,” sayeth the Lord to His-Her-Their Self.
“On this day we pray-” Beep.
“In your name-“ Beep.
“Bless this couple as they-“ Beep.
“Bless Donald J Trump as he-“ Beep. And lo, God did roll God’s eyes for every time He-She-Them heard the name which shall not be spoken, God briefly considered a flood, followed by a mass smiting. God continued listening to His-Her-Their Prayer-mail messages.
“Bless our junior varsity team as they-“ Beep.
“All I want is an ‘A’ on this math test. Please God. Show me a sign.” God thought for a moment. And lo, in a high school in Mills, Indiana a dove flew into Mrs. Pavlov’s classroom through an open window, startling everyone. And then it came to pass that God pushed 2 to delete and moved on. Beep. Next!
“Please, save these migrants trapped in-“ Beep.
“Now I lay me down to slee—“ Beep. This one again?
“Now I lay—“ Beep. Next.
“Now—“ Beep. Next.
“Oh, God. Oh, God. Ohhh, Goddd, you are amazing. Oh, God. Ohhhhh-“ God was ashamed of listening for as long as God did. Obviously, a wrong number. Beep.
“Lord, Kari Lake checking in. Still with me, Jesus? “ God pounded 6-6-6. Beep.
“Lord, Kari again. If you could smite Governor Hobbs—” 6-6-6. Again. Beep.
“Dear God, save my baby’s life—“ Beep. Next.
“Please God, save my—“ Beep. Next.
“I’m begging you, God, save my—“ Beep. Next. “Out of my hands,” said all-powerful God.
“God, if I don’t get that dress my Prom will be a disaster. Please, God?” And lo, God was moved. And God did think for a moment. And then God spoke, saying, “Naw.” And lo, God pushed 2 and moved on. Beep.
“Please, call us back at this number to discuss your credit debt and what we can do to—” And lo, God did knit His-Her-Their mighty brows and did say, “To Hell with them. A curse on their House for seven generations.” Beep. Next.
“This is your dentist’s office. Your teeth cleaning appointment is-“ Beep. God did have quite a bit of honey buildup and manna stuck between the Lord’s wisdom teeth but verily God thought, “to everything there is a season, including dental hygiene,” and the Lord moved on.
Verily, the Lord was done with listening to these recorded prayers for the moment and lo, after an eternity of listening to His-Her-Their Creation beg, lament, weep and curse and praise Him-Her-Them, God needed a good laugh. And thus, it was time for the Almighty to listen to God’s favorite prayers as they would surely flood up into God’s Heaven, for it was Super Bowl Sunday, and God looked forward to hearing every laughable entreaty for field goals, completed passes, and touchdowns. And all of Paradise knew God, like Taylor Swift, favored the Kansas City Chiefs.
"And lo, He-She-They did pause for a moment to consider resurrecting Prince for the Super Bowl halftime show, for verily it was the best one, like EV-ER, but realized He-She-They would then cause confusion mightily for the masses in that particular Prince was not THE Prince of Peace but more like a cousin who could shred a guitar like waaay better than the other Prince turned water into wine, and well... BEEP"
This brought a memory back to me (like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist, for you Firesign fans). I lived in Philly from 1968 to 1973 and then moved to Tucson. There was a revival type church that I used to walk by sometimes in Philly, and one time I decided to call the number posted on the message board outside. A voice answered: "This is the Reverend Carl Stambaugh [I think it was], and you have just dialed a miracle!!" After telling you to get down on your knees he would "call on you Satan to let loose this child of god!" And it went on for about a minute longer. When we'd get high, I would call the number and then hand the phone to someone who hadn't heard it before. I continued to do that in Tucson, even though I had to pay the long distance charges, because the reaction of the person listening to it was so much fun to watch. God probably had that number in speed dial for when he needed a laugh.