FRIDAY FITZ HITS

Headlines you may have missed

Arizona News

REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS WORKING TO PROTECT ARIZONA’S CHILDREN FROM DRAG QUEENS

What was this old desert rat thinking? I thought our fine Republican legislators might work to protect our children from lunatics with with combat weapons, chronic poverty, rising homelessness, out-of-control daycare costs, and global competition from children educated in schools with 21st century funding. I also think Javelinas don’t stink.

Beautiful thing about Arizona is you never know if that person you pissed off is off their meds and has access to combat weapons “So we’ll all feel safer.”

SENATOR SINEMA BEAMS IN FOR STATE OF FEDERATION ADDRESS

Wearing a yellow Teletubbies costume worn by “Lala” that she found in the Star Trek wardrobe department.

FITZ NOTEBOOK: SENATOR SINEMA FAVORITE OF MORE THAN 50 BILLIONAIRE BACKERS FROM OUTSIDE ARIZONA, SAVE FOR ONE

On the bright side at least she’s listening to one Arizona voter.

POLL: 63% ARIZONA VOTERS UNABLE TO PRONOUNCE SINEMA’S FIRST NAME KYRSTEN CORRECTLY

It rhymes with thirstin’ . As in I’m thirstin’ after corporate cash, attention and a sweet lobbying gig.

CRUSADING ELECTION DENIER KARI LAKE LIKENED TO MOUNTAIN MAN JEREMIAH JOHNSON

“They say she’s out there still.”

INSURRECTIONIST MARK FINCHEM, BIG LIE BUCKAROO FROM KALAMAZOO, SEEN RIDING ONE TRICK PONY MERRY-GO-ROUND

Finchy reminds me me of a cross between Alex Jones and “Festus’. For you young whippersnappers, “Festus” was a scrawny sidekick cowpoke on “Gunsmoke” —and is latin for “A festering sore on the lip of democracy”.

ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN GOSAR DRAWN TO TIKI TORCHES LIKE MOTH TO FLAME

Arizona Congressional crackpot Paul Gosar’s idiot lights are flashing. It’s way past time to check under the hood. Klan hood that is.

THOUSANDS HAVE DIED CROSSING INTO ARIZONA ACCORDING TO HUMANE BORDERS

Residents of Munich, Germany, located next to infamous Dachau Concentration Camp, gathered to praise Arizonans for their indifference to nearby suffering.

And wondered which rural School District in Arizona would host the next book burning.

BAD NEWS FOR WESTERN THEME PARK OPERATORS

Arizona developers do not have enough groundwater to keep building our future ghost towns.

KARI LAKE THINKING OF SENATE RUN

Pundits are all asking the same question. How often do you see the word “thinking” in the same sentence with “Kari Lake”?

POLL: ARIZONA VOTERS BELIEVE THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF POLITICIANS

Those who admit their votes are influenced by their donors. And those who are liars

SURVEY: COCHISE COUNTY HAS MORE MAGA-REPUBLICAN CONSPIRACY NUTS THAN PECANS OR HORSESHOES

No surprise. Mar-a-Lago with mesquite trees. And you thought the rattlers there were dangerous.

GROUNDWATER IN SHORT SUPPLY IN COCHISE COUNTY

Ranchers have turned to drilling for Kool-aid

Old Pueblo News

GEM AND MINERAL SHOW HAS ROCKY YEAR

This time of year we are home to the international gem and mineral and fossil show. Because these folks bring a lot of revenue to our little town we don’t take any of them for granite.

RODEO TO GO ON, BUCKING ANTI-ABUSE TREND

Riding a bike or driving a car in this town is rodeo enough. Have you seen AMCs series “The Walking Dead”? They’re filming a spinoff here. It’s called “The Driving Dead”. We have millions of potential cast extras, napping in the left turn lane with their blinkers on.

WORKERS AT DOVE MOUNTAIN GOLF CLUB CHAINSAW TWO SAGUAROS

And tossed the giants into a dumpster. Permit this desert rat to quote the great poet Prince: “This is when doves cry.”

The Nation’s Headlines

BIDEN DELIVERS STATE OF UNION ADDRESS AT CAPITOL HILL COMEDY CLUB

Comedy Headliner Joe Biden “killed”, Sarah “Colonel Sanders” Huckabee “bombed” and Biden’s hecklers got “roasted”. I’m waiting for Biden to announce he’s running in 2024. For “Roast Master General of the Untied States”.

BIDEN ANNOUNCES OVER 500,000 NEW JOBS IN JANUARY

479,562 were Department of Justice Special Counsels going after Trump.

REPUBLICANS CELEBRATE INSURRECTION ANNIVERSARY WITH NEW TRADITION

A hearty breakfast of Eggs Benedict Arnold.

ORGANIZERS CANCEL “BURNING MAN”

Can’t match ”Burning Planet.”

ARKANSAS GOVERNOR SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS SAYS DIVIDE IS BETWEEN NORMAL AND CRAZY

And guess which side Honey Boo Boo represents. Talk about the crackpot calling the kettle black.

MARJORIE TAYLOR NOT-SO-SWIFT GREEN DRESSES FOR MAGA SUCCESS AT STATE OF UNION

Her ice age themed garb was memorable. I thought a female neanderthal had escaped from the nearby Smithsonian Natural History Museum and had been partially swallowed by an abominable snow yeti.

Looked like something I once saw in a cabin in Thatcher that popped up out of the fur lined toilet seat.

No one has better represented the people of her corner of Georgia than Marjorie Taylor Not-So-Swift Greene. No one. Except maybe for the cast of “Deliverance”.

I remember when Twitter suspended Greene's account. Thousands of her followers had to rely on former dentist Paul Gosar for lunacy. Gosar tweeted, “I’m happy to fill that cavity.”

CONCERNS OVER WELL-BEING OF MARJORIE GREEN AND LAUREN BOEBERT GROWING

Random howling is a symptom of Alzheimer’s.

Fitz Headlines

FITZ MISPLACES CAR KEYS FOR 18th TIME

I felt better when I considered Arizona Republicans lost the governor, secretary of state, attorney general and Senate seats this year. I found my car keys in the fridge.

FITZ ACCUSED OF BEING “WOKE”

You got me. I embrace diversity.

LAST NIGHT AT CASA FITZ COYOTES VISITING FROM COCHISE COUNTY HEARD HOWLING AT MOON

Tragic case of Civic Rabies. They eventually become MAGA republicans and lose their minds.

RETIREE TELLS 67-YEAR OLD CARTOONIST “I THOUGHT YOU’D BE A HELL OF A LOT OLDER!”

“Is that because my work appears to be created by someone who’s wise and mature beyond his years?”

“No, your cartoons looks like they're drawn by someone who doesn’t digest his food well.”

And that’s all the news that Fitz this week.