Friday Fitz Fix
Headlines and one-liners that cross the line
I really should follow entertainment news. I just read the Antman and the Wasp movie got panned. I am so out of touch I didn’t know they were Marvel characters. I thought Antman and the Wasp was a documentary about Trump and Finchem. Does the wasp retire to Sun City?
Weird weather, right? That should be the new hook for local meteorologists.
We’ve got Blizzards in southern California, and snow in northern Arizona. Flagstaff can barely handle the influx of retired Yetis moving here. The roads up north are as impassable as the bowels of every Sun City resident over ninety. One suggested, ”Just sit it out.”
Historic winds blew through Arizona this week. The National Weather Service said the 151-mph winds recorded in Nogales were the strongest wind gusts recorded since the last time Republican gasbags expelled record amounts of methane at a border photo-op.
If you thought Arizona’s MAGA politicians were abominable now wait until the abominable snowmen blown here by our winter weather register to vote.
TFOB
The Tucson Festival of Books, or as I call it, the Festival of Kettle-corn-with-Books, is next weekend. What would you call a gathering of 100,000 bibliophiles in one place? The Boomer’s sequel to Woodstock: Nerdstock. Instead of being admonished to stay away from the blue acid, man, we’re reminded to take our ant-acid and the First Aid Station is always open in case you suffer a paper cut.
This year the organizers are trying to fool kids, calling it the “Tucson Festival of Handheld Wireless Devices with Text and Images Pre-Downloaded That Require No Battery or USB Chargers”.
Border
After Speaker McCarthy’s photo op tour of the border House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim “I like hanging out at the gym” Jordan and other Republican Border posers held a public hearing on the souther border, entitled “Milking The Made Up Biden Border Crisis without Actually Doing Anything About It Because Scapegoating Immigrants Excites the Base”.
Desert Rats
Top 7 Quail pickup lines:
Scurry here often?
I couldn’t help but notice your fascinator…
I know where there’s a fresh seed block…
I have 18 sibs, too!
Your mom was eaten by a Harris Hawk! Mine,too!
Someday I’d like to have eggs.
I’d follow you anywhere.
Our Legislature and the Pledge of Grievance
MAGA Republican legislators in the Arizona House want students to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
Really? Would that be the same pledge they recite everyday when they’re putting on their cyber ninja socks and tin foil helmets?
“I pledge allegiance to Donald Trump’s Big Lie
and that for which it stands.
A divided nation, under FOX.
With Jesus and liberty for all.
Except Blacks, Jews, Muslims and most Latinos.
Amen, white Jesus.”
Their law instructs schools to set aside a special time for the pledge. And calls on every student to look “Old Glory” right in the stars and recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” during this special magical time and if there isn’t a flag in your classroom you will be fined, you America hating liberal scumbag teacher.
There are exceptions to this mandatory flag display rule.
If you support Trump and you’re opting to hang a Confederate flag that’ll work.
If you support Trump and you’re opting to hang a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag next to your locked and loaded AR-15 that’ll work.
If you support Trump and you’re opting to hang a “Let’s go Brandon” flag next to your “JESUS IS LORD” banner that will work, too—just as long as your students swear undying loyalty to the nation that wants to protect them from learning anything about their country that might make them feel bad.
Yee-haw, podner! It’s Rodeo week in the Cold Pueblo
It’s Rodeo Week. I haven’t been to a rodeo in years because watching the barbaric tradition always make me think of my mom yelling at us at the dinner table to “stop playing with your food before you eat it!” If you miss the animal abuse of bullfighting or cockfighting then the Fiesta de los Vaqueros Kicking Critters in the Ribs may be just the event for you. Not me. Some folks get a kick out of watching humans torture junior’s next sirloin or thrill to seeing Lulu’s next veal get roped and hog tied and or others just love seeing human apes grind their stirrups into tomorrow’s McRibs. Not this desert rat. If I want to see bull riders and clowns struggle to stay upright I’ll watch our legislature on IDIOT-SPAN.
Porn again
Flagstaff’s pine cone lawmaker, Wendy Rogers, put forward a porn bill requiring all Arizonans to submit a government-issued ID to website operators before accessing porn online.
What? A government-issued ID? Like what? A driver’s license? Will there be a test? “Are you qualified to operate your genitals as you savor the objectification of human apes? Yes. No. Give me a minute.”
I have an objection. Watching Whacky Wendy’s wingnut colleagues muzzle and screw the voters I’d say watching our legislature in session surely counts as watching porn online. Wiil I have to submit a government-issued ID to website operators before accessing your public hearings online?
Dear puritanical police, I have a news flash from the 21st century. Browsers come with parental controls that allow consumers to block porn websites.
Rather than legislate morality why not curb sex trafficking by attacking the conditions in which it thrives? Oh, I see…because you believe jerking off beats solving problems.
Romero
Top 5 Nicknames for Tucson Mayor Regina Romero
Lady Ro Ro
Mero
Arizona’s Chingona
Javelina Romero
Regina the Latina
Romero Your Next Mayor-o
Trickle downers
I hate to be picky but this headline really caught my eye:
ARIZONA LAWMAKERS VOTE TO GIVE CORPORATIONS HUGE TAX BREAK
It really should have read:
ARIZONA LAWMAKERS PAY BACK CORPORATE DONORS WITH HUGE TAX BREAK BY RAISING THEIR JELLYFISH TENTACLES AND GURGLING AYE
I am so down on Trickle downers
Peddling the same old tired discredited trickle down bullshit Arizona’s Republicans said to working families, “Crawling on all fours and spreading your legs for our corporate overlords will magically promote economic development. The corporation’s shareholders promise they won’t pocket the shakedown windfall. They promise they’ll trickle some on you. So just lay back, thank them for screwing you, the taxpayer, and remember to thank us, their pimps, for securing Arizona’s reputation as a sad whore that ignores her children. ”
Top 10 names for javelinas
Gregory Peccary
Olivia de Javelina
Javelina Bardem
Peccary Lee
Elon Musk
Jave-Lena Horne
Peccary Hines
Pope Peccary the IVth
Javelina Dunham
Ole and Lena Javelina
Have a beautiful weekend, dear reader. Ever onward.
OH, you always come through for those of us who have admired you forever! You win again!
I really appreciate your characterizations of our fearless leaders,; they are so accurate. I do think the reference to "tentacles raised" to vote yes on assorted legislative abominations unfairly maligns octopi, squid, and jellyfish...well, perhaps not jellyfish.