Friday Fitz Fix
Your weekly lineup of headlines and one liners
SNOW!
It snowed in Tucson this week. One flake and it’s Snowmageddon.
Any snow south of the Gila River can trigger outbreaks of Old Pueblo Transplants Snow Disorder or OPTSD among our many winter refugees who see one flake on their windshield and freak out. Many Old Pueblo transplants who came here fleeing wintry climes, when triggered by the sight of a single snow flake, can suffer disorienting flashbacks to scraping windshields with frozen squirrels, blow torching pipes with flame throwers, fighting abominable snowmen for parking, dodging snowplows driven by Polar Bears or slip sliding across frozen interstates.
Chill, Tucson. Soon you’ll be hotter than a chili pepper in Satan’s air fryer.
VALENTINE’S DAY
For Valentine’s Day, Ellen and I lit Chinese lanterns, released them, and watched them drift up, up, up into the night sky, symbols of our glowing affection as they became one with the infinite.
NORAD blew them out of the sky.
OUR REPUBLICAN FRIENDS
If you believe Arizona’s Republicans have your best interest at heart you’re either a dolt, a dupe or one of their billionaire backers from outside Arizona.
"If Trump’s a racist I'll eat my hood.”—Paul Gosar
State Superintendent of Education Tom Horne continues to bloviate his prehistoric views on muskets in school and critical fluoride theory. Does Tommy not know Arizona’s teachers are peerless bull shit detectors? Educator know better than anyone when you haven't done your homework, and Tommy, your syllabus hasn’t been upgraded since 1952.
GUNS
When I was a kid you'd "Graduate" from high school. Today you "Make it out alive.”
Guns don't kill people. But they make it a hell of a lot easier to kill people.
In America you cannot arrest someone just because he’s a mentally ill person who loves guns. And I’ll tell you why. Members of Congress have immunity.
ARIZONA
I heard a Screech owl, upset about losing his mate, hooting all night long. He was upset about having to pay owl-imony.
SILVER ALERT
ALERT STATUS ACTIVE
Goes by the name Kari Lake. 120 lbs., brown hair, brown eyes. Kari was last seen wearing a ragged “Lake 2022” T-shirt, blue jeans, Beatle boots and a red MAGA cap. Last seen heading towards political oblivion. Kari suffers delusions, takes Ivermectin and drinks bleach. If you see her or have any information, please contact 911.
FIESTA DE LOS ANIMAL ABUSE
Rodeo days are coming. The theme of this year’s “Fiesta de los Vaqueros” rodeo parade is a “Salute to Arizona’s Lawmakers” which explains why the parade will feature clowns and jackasses followed by sweepers shoveling their horse manure.
BORDER VISIT
This week House Republicans led by Speaker McCarthy toured the border In a related story a hazardous materials spill generated a toxic cloud that shut down interstate 10. Early reports indicated it was a tanker carrying toxic waste to FOX News identified as the poisonous rhetoric generated by politicians returning from their trip to Nogales.
RAQUEL
Raquel Welch died this week at the age of 82. She’s remembered for playing a cave woman in “One Million Years B.C.” Marjorie Taylor Greene, an actual neanderthal cave woman, said Raquel’s death is a loss for all who loved Welch’s grape juice.
OUR LEGISLATURE AT WORK
Arizona lawmakers are pushing anti-abortion bills that grant fetuses person hood conferring upon the fetus all the rights citizens enjoy. “Sorry, darlin’, just the male fetuses. Everyone here in God’s legislature knows females got no reproductive rights .”
Our radical pro-life GOP is pushing a “Born alive” bill requiring care if a fetus is born alive in the course of an abortion. This from the league of simple-celled organisms who were not born, but grown, by Tucker Carlson and the Koch Brothers in Sean Hannity’s basement laboratory in a Petri dish, fed a diet of powdered troll feed and released Sasquatch-naked into the arroyos of Arizona with just a MAGA hat, a tiki torch, and a “JESUS LOVES ME BUT HE THINKS YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE” bumper sticker.
Arizona Republicans just agreed to cancel your silly, pesky voter registration every decade. Said one Republican, “It’s a start. Eventually we hope to cancel your voter registration permanently and go to a billionaire donor-only voting system.”
Republican Chair of the AZ State Senate elections committee, a barely sentient pine cone from Flagstaff named Wendy Rogers, said,” After we in Arizona award our electors to @realDonaldTrump, I want to see arrests made and some perp walks!” Garland is working on it, you woodland troll.
Governor Hobbs vetoed the “skinny budget” package excreted by her Republican legislature. Here are the three main ingredients in their budget:
Giveaways to corporate donors.
Deep cuts to any programs proven to improve the quality of life for working families.
See no.2
DR. CULLEN
The esteemed and internationally respected Dr. Theresa Cullen will not lead the Arizona Department of Health Services because a posse of profits-before-people Republicans objected to her advocacy for public health measures during the lethal pandemic.
One member of the political lynch mob said, “Like I told my fellow insurrectionist at the pro-life rally, they can’t tell us to wear masks! We can’t let them fascists take away our right to control our own bodies. I’d love to talk more but I got to get back to restricting a women’s right to control her own reproductive health.”
Another volunteered, “Dr. Kevorkian was our first choice, until our ‘Freedom from Public Health’ caucus googled his whereabouts. How were we supposed to know he was as dead as Kari Lake’s political future?”
Thinking fast they put in a call to Dr.Oz. “He put us on hold.”
EDUCATION
Republican lawmakers are working to require public school educators, who already are drowning in the quicksand of endless state mandated bullshit to make time to post to everything they teach online so religious zealots, predator hunting parental units, Q-Anon moms and the usual wing nuts can monitor them like the state police of every fascist state monitor every citizen’s words and actions for any variance from state mandates.
This from the anti-democratic public serpents closing down the people’s access to their public communications and implementing levels of secrecy up at our statehouse that the fascist dictator Josef Stalin would’ve admired.
This from the same cabal that raids public education’s coffers to subsidize their Christian madrassas, their right-wing indoctrination camps and their white flight academies which are completely unregulated. Because if you can trust anyone it’s profiteers.
Hypocrisy just doesn’t matter to that tribe. Like Adolf said, “The ends justifies the putsch.”
SHIPPING CONTAINERS
Gov. Hobbs announced plans to repurpose the thousands of shipping containers former Gov. Ducey used for his dumb ass failed political stunt. Repurpose them for what? Affordable housing.
One party build walls. The other builds homes.
The quote about Gosar was priceless! This is the best place to get Arizona news.
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