Fitzer's Index

The DNC convention week by the numbers

Number of times online posts referred to Ann Coulter as “Skeletor the scum sucking bully bitch” after she mocked Tim Waltz’ son Gus Waltz-who has ADHD, an anxiety disorder and a non-verbal learning disorder-for weeping with joy: 1,345,000

Number of times people said “I thought the hag” was dead: 12.7 million

Length of Harris’ acceptance speech: 38-minutes

Number of times per hour since witnessing the speech I have said “I’ve never seen a speech this ‘thrilling, energizing, and inspiring in my life’: 234

Length of Trump’s acceptance speech: 92-minutes

Content: 0

Number of Americans who did not understand Obama’s hand gestures when referring to Trump’s preoccupation with crowd size: 1

Number named Donald: 1

Percentage of brain worms disappointed RFK Jr. will pull out of race: 100%

Percentage of brain worms leaning towards aligning with the MAGA crowd despite absence of brains: 100%

Cartons of calamine lotion, gauze and Dr.Scholl’s blister pads delivered to Mar-a-Lago because Republican Adam Kinzinger’s DNC speech renouncing Trump was so blistering: 14

Percentage of Democrats expecting the convention’s roster of Republican speakers to include Lynn Cheney: 13%

Melania: 67%

Tweets posted by Trump during Kamala’s acceptance speech: 4,234

Diaper changes: 7

Percentage of Democrats expecting the convention’s “special guest” to be Beyoncé: 67%

Percentage of Democrats expecting the convention’s “special guest” to be Taylor Swift: 32%

Ozzy Osbourne: 1%

Number of delegates astonished by Gabby Giffords’ speech: 100%

Percentage of Fox viewers who believe Chicago is an apocalyptic hellhole: 78%

Percentage of Americans who believe the Fox News newsroom is an apocalyptic hellhole: 67%

Number of Democrats at the convention who paid attention to the benediction every closing night of the convention: 0

Number of American flags seen waving at Democratic national convention: Too many to count

Increase in sales of plaid shirts, and camo hats among Americans after Tim Walz speech: up 27%

Number of Americans, out of 300 million who believe the Central Park five should still be executed: 1

Number named Donald: 1

Number of Americans offended when Governor Gretchen Whitmer described Kamala Harris, as a “total badass prosecutor”: 0

Percentage of Democrats grateful for Joe Biden’s service to his country: 100%

Democrats grateful for Joe Biden’s retirement from service to his country: 100%

Percentage of Democrats named Joe Biden who will enjoy kicking back and watching Kamala Harris and Tim Walz secure his legacy for another eight years: 100%

Percentage of FOX journalists who noted on air they were perplexed by concept of “joy”: 100%

Number of attendees who expected the Dixie Chicks to be southern hatchlings: 18%

Number of boomers who have not been this energized about a candidate since Lincoln: 53 million

Percentage who looked at their phones while Bill Clinton rambled: 97%

Percentage of Democrats conditioned to know the correct response to “When we fight…”: 100%

Percentage who felt Michelle Obama’s speech was better than Barack’s: 100%

Percentage named Barack: 100%

Percentage of mystified Trump supporters googling words “decency” and “respect” after Oprah Winfrey said “decency and respect” was on the ballot: 89%

Number of times Kari Lake yelled “What BS! I commanded an Iraq war unit and killed Saddam before I was the Governor of Arizona!” at her TV during Ruben Gallego’s prime time appearance on the DNC stage: 22

After the sedatives kicked in: 0

Percentage of MAGA Republicans who thought when Barack Obama said, “We’ve seen that movie, and the sequel could be worse “ that he was referring to “Passion of the Christ”: 67%

Percentage of Democrats who chanted “Lock him up” during Hillary’s speech: 100%

Percentage who were referring to Hulk Hogan: 1%

Number of times Fox reporters attempted to cut off Donald Trump to return to coverage of DNC convention: 67

Number of times he appeared incoherent and rambled off topic: 67

Number of times I said “Wow, Pete Buttigieg would make a fine President someday.”: 7

Number of times I said “Wow, Gretchen Whitmer would make a fine President someday.”: 5

Number of times I said “Wow, Josh Shapiro would make a fine President someday.”: 9

Number of times I said “Wow, Tim Walz would make a fine President someday.”: 6

Number of viewers of Harris’ speech who thought they were watching a riveting new episode of ‘West Wing’ entitled ‘Madame President’: 12 million

Percentage of Democrats willing to follow Michelle Obama’s admonition to “do something”:  100%

Number who may go online to Pima Democratic Party to start: That’s up to you

Number of homemade signs since witnessing the convention I have posted in my yard: 37

Number of “Trumpy” neighbors I’ve annoyed: 17

Number of times I have said, “I’ve never seen a Democratic National Convention this ‘riveting, entertaining, thrilling, energizing, and joyful in my life’: 4,519 and still counting