Fitz Rants: Kevin McCarthy's playpen

And the toddlers toppling democracy

I had three kids. Diapers. Sleepless nights. Tantrums. The whole thing.

And I thought I knew a thing or two about playpens.

Reading the news out of our nation’s esteemed capitol this week it appears the U.S.House of Representatives is a play pen for imbecilic insurrectionist infants, a kindercare for crackpots and tyrannical toddlers.

And pint-sized anti-Semites.

And full-on Q-Anon neo-natal nitwits in nappies.

And bat shit crazy bullies in pull-ups.

Mindless mewling malevolent foot-stomping, hair-pulling monsters.

What is most troubling about this playpen of reprehensible rugrats is the fact it takes a national village of idiots to elect all these village idiots in diapers to high office.

Follow the C-SPAN camera down into Democracy’s Play Pen this week, the United States Snakepit of the House of Representatives, and you will have observed shrieking red-faced MAGA toddlers laying flat on their backs shaking with rage, their red fists clenched, their diapers filling with warm lies and their feet kicking.

I always thought the play pen was a marvelous American contrivance.

The internet’s digital information booth told me the playpen was invented in 1922 by Emma Read, a young mom who “needed to provide fresh air and sunshine for her two small children while living in a large city.”

I used playpens forever because toddlers can be maddening and sometimes you need to take a deep breath and set the howler down and count to ten.

The Freedom Caucus howlers wailing in America’s playpen are tearing our republic to shreds. Count to ten and out vote the village idiots.

In the trying days ahead these drooling dimwitted delinquents, free from the burden of reason, will squander their days fighting, fussing and farting “Fre-e-e-edom” into their mammoth diapers. They’ll laugh demonically as they dismantle public education, dismember civil rights and women’s rights, rip up regulations, decimate our middle class and persist at demolishing our democracy like malicious mites gone mad. McCarthy isn’t the Speaker of any House. He’s Lord of the Flies.

Ever feel terrible about your poor parenting skills? Go to a 24-hour Walmart and watch the terrible shrieking parents dragging their terrible shrieking monsters out at midnight, unleashing tattooed holy Hell on their wailing, item-grabbing, brawling feral kids. Thanks to seeing worse parents I stopped beating myself up over the time I sent the wrong kid to timeout.

Cut to another tedious day of anti-Democratic droolers throwing tantrums in America’s hallowed play pen.

In one corner you have red-faced MAGA toddlers on their backs shrieking “Lock up Hunter!”, their diapers steaming with “toddler rage” as other baboons throw gavels and fling lies or stomp their feet in the center babbling “Impeach BIDEN!”

And poor Kevin looks lost, sucking his thumb and about to cry as Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert shriek at each other. Meanwhile the entire mutinous contingent of confederate moppets are rocking the playpen, wailing, “Shut down the government!”, menacing democracy, tearing the Constitution into confetti and kicking and biting each other and all the while this mob of feral infants are constantly farting and belching conspiracy lies and smearing their toxic shit everywhere across our republic and laughing and giggling while guns are used to mass murder actual children, the planet warms, mass extinction is upon us and homeless people die in the heat they deny.

With Fox News as their 24/7 babysitter and having suckled at the titanic teat of the 215-pound orange man-boob from Mar-a-lago it’s one last play time for America’s malicious pipsqueaks.

Kevin McCarthy’s Playpen will one day occupy a place in the Smithsonian.

Caked with geological layers of dried retch from years past, including the famous 2016 “Hillary’s email server” dry heaves, it is a slice of history preserving a potpourri of the extreme right’s political spew, propaganda puked in days of yore, ranging from the hardened splatters of “Benghazi barf” from 2014 to Trump’s fossilized “Birth Certificate” bile from 2011 that soaked it’s dark corners.

When the monsters in the messy play pen aren’t gleefully throwing tantrums or smearing their seditious waste or Bannon’s latest bowel blowout everywhere their filthy pudgy hands can reach they gather at the edge of the playpen like famished piglets angling for a teat to suckle.

Famished, they favor the prized NRA’s double-barreled tits. And in trade, children continue to die because they've enshrined access to combat weapons.

They suck hard on Putin’s teat and in trade abandon Ukraine.

They suck hard on the Triple DDD oil drums hanging off the Fossil Fuels Industry and in trade sell out their planet and our children’s future and their children’s future.

They suck hard on the mighty bosom of The Lord and in trade they are possessed with a sense of moral ethics as disposable as their diapers.

They suck on the bloated gnawed teat of the gullible American people engorged with petty resentment, fussy bigotry and an equally infantile world view.

Now they’re digging deep into the sour stench of their diapers where they store their policy ideas, conspiracy theories and classified documents to dig out something foul and succulent to smear on the penalized and punished Hunter Biden to take our minds off daddy Trumps’ globe rattling tantrums.

The right is entertained and the rational gape in horror.

Speaking of gaping in horror my kids had three distinct tantrum styles:

1. At the grocery store, lay down in the aisle, tremble with rage and shriek. Continue until you turn bright red.

2. You’re in the backseat of the car, buckled into the toddler seat. You kick the back of the driver’s seat repeatedly, unbuckle the belt, scream, bawl, weep, throw things and curse the driver the whole trip.

3. As a U.S. Representative you threaten to impeach President Biden, free the January 6th insurrectionists and shut down the government. Actually none of my kids tried that. They were smart kids. They knew my limits.

I hear Arizona’s Republican party, the Party of neo-nazis, cyber ninjas and Kari the nitwit Lake, is running a bit short on the sweet milk of sucker’s donations. Are the rural tits running dry? It’s expensive funding wingnuts with beliefs that don’t fly in the real world of grownups. Or in Courts of Law.

Let them live in the world of malevolent make-beleive. They’ll be the reason the right loses 2024.

But don’t hold your breath. Holding your breath never works.