Elmo in Arizona

Brought by letter "X"

Elmo was making the press rounds because he was shocked by the answers his followers posted in answer to the simple question he’d posted on X. “How is everybody doing?” The replies that flooded in were consumed with existential dread. Elmo, overcome with depression, entered treatment at Sierra Tucson in Tucson.

Welcome to group. How’s everybody? Let’s start with Elmo. Here, you take the talking stick.

Elmo sad. Need tickle!

Elmo, you know the rules. No touching.

Elmo sorry.

Bwah-ha-ha-ha. You’re red as a lobster! Is thees your first time in Ah-rizona? You need to use more sunscreen! Do vat I do, Elmo. Ze Count only goes out at night!

Count, wait until it is your turn.

Elmo like sunshine. Sunshine tickles Elmo!

Please, Count. Everyone. Only speak when the talking stick is passed to you. Elmo?

Elmo sad. Elmo sorry he go online on X and ask question.

Do you have more to say about that Elmo?

Zees part of ze group session is brought to you by ze letter Q! Bwah-ha-ha-ha.

Count! Wait until it is your turn.

For Q-Anon?

Beaker! Wait until it is your turn. Everybody. Please, respect the rules. Elmo. Go ahead.

Elmo’s follower’s think Elmo ask philosophical question about nature of existence. Elmo just want to know is everybody happy? Elmo find big sadness out there. Elmo find despair out there! So much despair! Everywhere! Elmo sad.

Give me the stick.

Elmo, give Oscar the talking stick. Do you have something you’d like to say, Oscar?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with people. Look around. We’re surrounded by garbage. There’s trash everywhere and it never stops coming. And people wonder why I’m a grouch.

Maybe Oscar grouch because Oscar live in garbage can.

Elmo, wait until the stick is passed to you. Oscar, give Elmo the stick.

Elmo sometimes think we not in control of lives. Like maybe we’re all manipulated by external forces. Like we are all puppets going through motions.

May I speak?

Elmo, give Kermit the talking stick.

I’ve often wondered why there are so many songs about rainbows. Anybody else?

Not this garbage again. Good for you.

Oscar, let speak!

Thank you, Elmo. And another thing. I’ve often wondered what's on the other side.

Jim Henson.

Oscar, let Kermit speak!

That’s just his inner Frank Oz speaking. Again.

Oscar!

I think rainbows are only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide. What do you think, Elmo?

I hide nothing.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Oscar can’t take much more of this garbage. Give Oscar stick. Kermit need to lower anti-depressant dosage.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wishing on the morning star?

Good point, Kermit.

I find cookie helps. Me want cookie now. Cookie!

Please everybody, the rules.

Give Elmo talking stick! Thank you, Oscar. Cookie Monster eating feelings. Elmo knows what helps. Tickle helps.

Oh, brother, spare me, you red shag rug with ping pong balls for eyes.

Oscar, you know aggressive language is not permitted in group. One more outburst like that and I’ll have to ask you to leave our session. Elmo, you were saying.

Elmo need tickle. Tickle me.

Elmo, you know the rules. No touching!

Epilogue

In the late Spring of 2024, after 6-weeks of successful therapy, Elmo was released to a halfway house in Tucson where he earned a master’s in counseling, online, and authored a book, “Tickle Me Therapy”, which became a New York Times bestseller. Tickle Me Therapy, which became known as TMT, spread around the globe as a popular answer to the existential dread that gripped the planet. Elmo now lives at the TickleMe institute located in San Anselmo, California in Marin County and gives TED Talks.

Postscript

Kermit remains institutionalized to this day.

Welcome to group. How’s everybody? Let’s start with Kermit. Here, you take the talking stick.

Thank you. Hi, everybody! Lamb Chop, Fozzy, Animal, Chuckie! What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it! The rainbow connection. Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name.

Kermit, you know those aren’t real voices.

He’s schitzo.

Lambchop, wait your turn.