Down at the Sandy Wash Saloon Cookie and Gomez analyze the state of Arizona

And every shot of Del Bac helps

Down at the Sandy Wash Saloon the long-retired chuck wagon cook from the Diamondback Dude Ranch, Cookie, and his pal “Gabby” Gomez were sipping whiskey and sharing their thoughts on the state of the state.

I got one for ya, Cookie. What’s the state hat?

That’s easy. It’s the cap that reads “My other hat’s a Stetson”.

Nope. These days it’s them dumbass red MAGA caps. What’s the state bird?

Ya got me, Gabby. Roadrunner?

Wrong. Roadrunner is New Mexico’s state bird. Our state bird is the Cactus Wren.

Can’t be right. Not these days.

If I ain’t right, then javelina don’t stink.

It’s the goddam loon, Gomez. Haven’t you been following the news out of our legislature? It’s a coop full of loons up there in Maricopa. Every last Republican up there is a Trump-loving Q-Anon Quail-brained looney tunes MAGA loon.

Could you repeat that, Cookie?

No, gracias.

Why would you want to insult birds like that, Cookie? Especially Quail.

With egg prices going up we’re all going to be eating Quail eggs pretty damn soon.

Quail eggs? Listen, Cookie, I just don’t see it. A Quail lays one teeny tiny itty bitty egg a day. You’re going to need three of ‘em to equal one chicken egg. They’re tinier than a Gila monsters’ toenail! You could fry ‘em up on a nickel. How are you going to get ‘em to lay more?

My granddad, Pappy, taught me a secret he learned on the rez. That black thing on top of their heads is like a crank on an old-time water pump. You just got to tug on their topknot, pump it up and down a couple of times and an egg will pop out. As many as you need.

I wondered what their top knots were for.

I’m telling you all them loons in Maricopa are related to geese because they’re all goose-stepping to Trump’s tune.

What’s that, Cookie?

The "Project 2025” polka. One step forward. Three steps back. Want to try it, Gomez?

Nope. Funny. The tune I keep hearing in my head is “In the year 2525”.

Please don’t sing.

In the year 2525, if man is still alive.

If woman can survive, they may find…

In the year 3535

Ain't gonna need to tell the truth, tell no li-i-ie.

I’ll tell you the truth, Señor Gabby Gomez, your singing ain’t worth a kangaroo rat’s behind. You can’t sing. I thought a coyote was dying in your gullet.

I hear tell that Trump’s calling his revolution “America’s 2nd greatest revolution since 1776”.

1776! That was the year I saw Paul Revere and the Raiders perform at Hi Corbett Field, with Linda Ronstadt. And the Ronstadt Band. They were followed by the Ronstadt Cousins who opened for the Ronstadt Family Band. They were followed by the Ronstadt twins who introduced Ronstadt, Ronstadt & Ronstadt. They were the closing act.

I’m ignoring you, Cookie. Nothing would make Trump’s MAGA nuts here in Arizona happier than getting him a 3rd term.

You mean a 4th Reich?

Every time I hang out with you; I need to down a 5th.

There’s no Scotch at this here watering hole.

Whiskey will do. Barkeep, bring us another shot of Del Bac.

Speaking of Mexican Holy Water, Gomez, what do you think of Mexico’s President, Claudia Shiny Bottom-

Sheinbaum! She’s one tough chingona.

You think she’ll back down in a trade war with Trump?

Does a mama Grizzly back down when her cubs are threatened by an orange pendejo?

You know our country is sliding into global shit hole status when our neighbor Mexico is more progressive on abortion and women’s rights than our country is.

Hey, did you hear the news about our very own MAGA nut Congressman Andy “Biggy” Biggs?

Isn’t Biggy Biggs one of them fake electors?

Yup. And he’s Trump’s number one fluffer here in Arizona. What about him.

He just announced he’s wants to run for Governor. Against Katie Hobbs.

You mean waddle, don’t ya’ Gomez? What’s his background?

He was a lawyer, then a prostitute. I mean prosecutor.

Whatever.

Then he won $10 million in the American Family Publishers Sweepstakes.

That proves it. There ain’t no God.

He’ll be facing another Trumper in the MAGA primary, Karrin Taylor Robson. You know about her, Gomez?

Sure do. She can’t spell “Karen” right for the life of her. Karrin’s an old school Republican. John McCain in heels. Trump said he’d endorse K. T. Robson for Governor because she had the three “phenomenal” qualifications he was looking for.

1. She sucked up to me.

2. She sucked up to me.

3. She sucked up to me.

Well, that’s going to make for a tricky race. Biggs already leads in the polls because old “Biggy“ Biggs is a bigger whack job. And Arizona’s MAGA nuts love their whack jobs.

Who’s going run against Katie Hobbs on the Democratic side?

She’ll be running against herself. Holy frijoles. Her chipmunk voice makes my head spin like a dust devil every time I hear it. She’s like a cross between Chip and Dale with a side of Harry Truman. Sorry, compadre, but that percep-tronical stuff matters.

You just made up a word, Cookie.

It’s very real Mr. Gomez. I’ll have you know I am a graduate of Gila Bend University where I majored in “Hay Mowing, Hay Teddering and Hay Baling”.

Hey.

What?

That’s impressive.

AND the study of perceptive percept-ology in politics…the science of what they call percept-o-tronics. Anyway, perception is nine tenths of the law in politics.

No, it ain’t. Possession is nine tenths of the law, you old fool and I do believe you are 100% possessed.

And I do believe she’s going to have two challengers from her own party come the election. Wouldn’t surprise me if Mr. Adrian Fonte, her big macho kickass Secretary of State, and Kris Mayes, her big macho kickass Attorney General, will want her job. That race should be a real bobcat fight.

What else is floating in your shot glass, compadre?

Heard about Jake the horned Q-Anon nut from January 6th?

The pride of Arizona? Jake Chansley? Our one and only shirtless brainless spear waggin’ boy bimbo in a buffalo bowler insurrectionist? That Jake Chansley?

The very one. Now that he is totally free, I hear he’s going to run for President of the local Mensa club in Apache Junction.

Maybe he could work as a unicycle clown juggling Trump Bibles at MAGA mega churches.

I would not be surprised if Trump appoints him Ambassador to the Court of Buffalo Bob’s Burger Corral.

Impressive. Someday Cookie you’re going to have to tell me your news sources. Did you hear Attorney General Kris Mayes announced she’s going to challenge Trump’s dumb ass executive order banning birthright citizenship?

What’s birthright citizenship?

Means if you’re born here, you are a 100% certified American citizen. Don’t matter who your momacita or who your padre was. Let me read you what Mayes said. “No executive order can supersede the United States Constitution and over 150 years of settled law.”

What does that mean?

Three things. 1. Trump ain’t never read the Constitution of this here country. 2. Kris Mayes has and she is tough as ironwood. And 3. Johnny McCain is laughing his ass off in heaven right now at how stupid Trump is. So Trump’s dumbass ban would mean that even if you are from Tucson you got to go back to where you came from.

But what if you’re from Tucson?

Didn’t you hear me? You got to go back to where you came from. Mexico. Or Guacamole. Or Casaba. Or one of them places.

Makes no sense.

Don’t have to make sense. All that matters is that it is cruel and mean and stupid.

Hey, what do you think of the city’s proposed 1/2 cent tax?

It’ll pass. One half cent. That’s less than nothing. My kids won’t even pickup a whole penny they see on the street. City says it’ll be put to good use helping people get off the streets and into housing and it’ll help TPD to put more cops on the streets.

I don’t know. By the time it’s on the ballot we could be in a Trump recession that stinks worse than a javelina’s butt. His dumbass tariffs could drive the economy lower than a rattlers bellybutton.

There you go again, using that fancy econ-o-mist-i-cal jargon on me, Cookie.

Been fun shooting the breeze with you, partner. I got to mosey down the road. One last one for you. What’s the state crater?

Meteor Crater. East of Flagstaff.

Wrong. It’s the pothole I jumped over on 22nd Street in my old El Camino pickup like I was Evel Kneivil. Luckily there was a smart car in it so I got a bounce that helped me hop to the western edge of the crater.

Abrazos, brother.

Adios.