Doctor Hobbs and Mr. Medicaid's Billing Fraud
Hemorrhaging on the floor of Arizona's ER
In Arizona’s capitol city, Doctor Katie Hobbs was called in to the Emergency Room of Phoenix General to examine a hemorrhaging patient.
Orderly: The patient was just brought in, Dr. Hobbs. Found bleeding out of every orifice. Semi-conscious. Explosive diarrhea.
Doctor Hobbs: I’ll take it from here. Says here your name is… Mr. Medicaid.
Mr. Medicaid: Uh-huh…where am I?..What’s going on?
Doctor Hobbs: You tell me. Your Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System is hemorrhaging taxpayer dollars.
Mr. Medicaid: What?
Doctor Hobbs: Orderly! Can we get a goddam mop in here?
Mr. Medicaid: HACK. Cough. (Blugh) Cough. (Blugh) …I’m spitting up.. revenue.
Doctor Hobbs: Bedpan, too! Sponges!!! Stat!
Mr. Medicaid: Oh, God, I got the revenue runs something awful. I’m bleeding revenue, doc and I can’t figure out…
Orderly: Don’t lie. You know exactly what’s going on..
Doctor Hobbs: It’s Dinero Dysentery. This is the most severe bureaucratic diarrhea I’ve ever seen.
The patient was admitted, experts consulted, and tests run. The next morning Doctor Hobbs appeared at the door of the patient’s room.
Doctor Hobbs: May I come in?
Mr. Medicaid: Unh..Who are you? Where am I?
Doctors Hobbs: I’m Dr. Hobbs, Mr. Medicaid. We have some test results back. At first we thought your hemorrhaging was caused by behavioral health provider parasites infecting your agency’s fee-for-service plans. But…
Mr. Medicaid: Tell me, doc…I’ve got Fraud?
Doctor Hobbs: Worse case anyone’s seen. The fraud infection spread into your managed care organizations.
Mr. Medicaid: I guess I haven’t been taking care of…
Doctor Hobbs: Look at this X-Ray. The fraud infection is in 90% of your Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System. Your system wasn’t “containing costs”. Your system was “containing” more money-leeching medical system parasites than an open sewer in a Third World plague colony. See these s-shaped shadows throughout your entire body? You have more parasites in your system than Arrakis has sandworms.
Mr. Medicaid: Oh my God. C-c-can you save me?
Doctor Hobbs: We have no choice. It will be a long and unpleasant process. I’m afraid those parasites are from malignant mismanagement. The fraud has spread throughout your entire provider system, not just the nodes. It appears you been making very poor choices. To say the least. Pretty far back. Since the pandemic.
Mr. Medicaid: Jesus. What? How? I wore a mask! And I got all my shots!
Doctor Hobbs: Stop denying it’s your own fault, It’s apparent you began to be lax about the time the pandemic was spreading throughout Arizona, Mr. Medicaid. That’s when you stopped being careful about screening your key providers. And you didn’t tell anyone you were exposing yourself to a host of fraud parasites well beyond your behavioral health operators. You kept it quiet. Mr. Medicaid, you didn’t care who you had contact with. And you engaged in a lot of unsafe practices—
Mr. Medicaid: Get these tubes out of me. Let me out of here. What’s with the restraints? Let me go!!
Doctor Hobbs: Move again and I will call security. That diarrhea you mentioned. You were bleeding taxpayer-funded reimbursements out your rectum like a geyser. Our staff proctologist says he’s going to have to rip you a brand new-
Mr. Medicaid: What? What is this going to cost me?
Doctor Hobbs: A scandal on this scale? Your reputation. You’re going to need Legislative Bypass surgery. And a bureaucratic enema to blow those unqualified unaudited provider parasites running wild out of your bloated gut. I have never seen so many budget sucking pinworms in my career.
Mr. Medicaid: Oh, God…I don’t feel so good…I’m going to faint…
Doctor Hobbs: I’m surprised you’re functioning at all. And your labs tell us you’re short $2 billion taxpayer dollars.Your fraud has spread throughout your fee-for-service nodes and your managed care ducts. And so far, more than 7,000 people have suffered terrible side effects thanks to your careless contagion of greed. And they’re mostly Indigenous Arizonans. You are supposed to help the most vulnerable and instead...
Mr. Medicaid: Don’t lecture me. Just patch me up and let me-
Doctor Hobbs: You aren’t going anywhere.
Mr. Medicaid: What? You’re keeping me? For what? Am I under observation?
Doctor Hobbs: Investigation.
Mr. Medicaid: Oh, shit…
Doctor Hobbs: I’ve scheduled you for multiple colonoscopies.
Mr. Medicaid: Oh, God…
Doctor Hobbs: And multiple surgeries. Starting with a brain transplant. And rehab. For years. With extensive follow-ups. I’ve never seen a patient this bad. Ever.
In the months that followed Dr. Hobbs, Dr. Kris Mayes, the Attorney General, and their team recommended surgery to remove Mr. Medicaid’s agency leader Carmen Heredia, a melon-sized blastoma, from Mr. Medicaid’s head. Heredia’s severe blindness permitted the scandal to grow and consume the entire body. A complete rectal reaming followed. Additionally, several regulatory monitors were prescribed. Dr. Mayes will be conducting negligence and corruption biopsies that may lead to a range of additional treatments.
This post is based on the reporting of an intrepid journalist named Hannah Bassett, a Report for America Corps member covering health disparities for the Arizona Center for Investigative Reporting. Miss Bassett’s reporting is a fine example of why a free press is essential to a functioning government.
Any chance you can persuade Dr. Hobbs to make a house call to the U of A? The telemedicine approach used to date has relied on the patient following sound medical advice, when the basic illness seems to be mental, i.e., a lack of self-control and poor decision-making, possibly resulting from a cranial parasite (r. Robbinsi). If that is in fact the case, radical surgery might be called for, which is a judgement Dr Hobbs should make in person, after a thorough mental and physical exam.
Wow! Didn't realize the Arizona Medicaid program was in such dire straits! Glad the competent "doctors" are taking charge. Now, what about the malignancy that affecting the schools, especially the voucher program? I think that warrants another "medical" investigation. Thanks for all your columns!