The Dave Fitzsimmons Newsletter
Piffle and ponderings from the Fastest Draw West of the Potomac
Hello and welcome to my newsletter
…which you’ll find in your email box from time to time thanks to this wonderful platform I discovered called “Substack”.
I was blessed to sign up so many subscribers I could no longer send out my newsletter on my outlook email platform because I was accused by Microsoft of sending out spam and I was blocked, tarred, feathered and chastised.
So Substack is the answer. I hope you like it as much as I do! It offers me the platform to share my writing, my images, videos, favorite links with you. Let me know what you think by clicking the “Comment” button.
But first, happy February y happy Valentine’s Day!
We Tucsonans are a special people with our own very special customs and traditions. If you are a newcomer, welcome y bienevenidos, here are my suggestions for enjoying a little romance, Old Pueblo style.
The Legend of El Tiradito
I asked my friend Señor Romantico for a suggestion for a romantic outing for my sweetheart and I for Valentine’s Day. “Something different.” Señor Romantico took me to El Tiradito, a beautiful old adobe shrine next door to El Minuto. “You can dine by candlelight here and then stroll next door to the most romantic spot in all of southern Arizona.” Being a Pat’s Chili Dogs and “A” Mountain kind of lothario this sounded like a chance for me to up my game.
Freshly lit candles nestled in the embrace of the old adobe walls cast a warm glow on the hundreds of trinkets and mementos left by pilgrims. “What’s the story?”
“Es muy romantico.”
“More romantic than a night at the old Apache Drive-in?”
“Si. Here’s the tale. In 1870 a handsome young ranch hand, named Juan Olivera, married the beautiful daughter of a Mexican rancher. In spite of the fact his very young wife was carrying his child, Juan Olivera, was fell in love with his beautiful mother-in-law. It wasn’t long before their forbidden passion, the object of much gossip in the old pueblo, was discovered by the old rancher when, one afternoon, he returned to his hacienda earlier than expected. There, by the bedroom door, the old man saw the axe that Juan had been using earlier in the day to clear brush. He grabbed it and chased Juan to the very spot where you are standing and chopped him into a hundred pieces, chop, chop, chop, dispatching the poor sinner to Hell, limb by limb. Because Juan had committed such a terrible sin the Church refused to bury him in consecrated ground. His remains were buried here beneath your feet, señor.”
“That’s not romantic, dude. This is a crime scene.”
“Wait! There’s more. Juan’s pregnant wife, the old rancher’s beautiful daughter, found her unfaithful husband’s remains. Broken-hearted, she threw herself down a well, killing herself, and her unborn child.”
“Really! Where’s the romance, man?”
“By taking her life, and that of their baby, she , too, was condemned to Hell, where she was reunited with Juan, who begged her forgiveness. Love conquers all, sí? They are together, in Hell, for eternity.”
“Any couple who stays in Tucson through the summer can relate to that. To be honest I was hoping for a ‘Sleepless in Sonora’ story and all I’m getting here is a cross between “An Affair to Remember” and ‘The Shining’. What happened to the rancher…Señor Jack Nicholson?”
“The old rancher fled to Sonora. After a year he decided it was safe to come back to Tucson get his cattle.”
“Let me guess. On the way back he fell in love with an Apache woman who clubbed him to death and a mountain lion ate his face while a herd of crazed javelina stomped his bones into dust.”
“No, señor. On his way back he was robbed by Apaches. They crucified him on a saguaro, where he was left to die a horrible, agonizing death.”
“What th-- Why are so many people drawn to this place?”
“The heartbroken come here, señor. To pray for comfort. Lovers come here to pray for the tormented souls of the lovers. People come here to promise eternal fidelity. People marry here. There is no place like El Tiradito.”
Retire? Me?
Retiring from an amazing career as a syndicated political cartoonist and an award-winning humor columnist has freed me to write with complete freedom and candor here on this glorious platform.
I’ll be writing a lot of nonsense and…
I’ll also be writing about the issues and the amazing people that make Arizona unique. I’ll be writing about cartooning, national politics, local politics, history and my even busier life. I will write about health, diet, performing comedy and of course, about producing the Old Pueblo Radio Show. And yes, I will struggle to keep it light, to cheer you on. And yes, my amigos, I promise you that I, the fastest draw west of the San Pedro River, will also shamelessly keep you informed about my public appearances here in America’s beautiful outback with saguaros, where all the jackrabbits are jacked, the snowbirds blue-haired and the sunsets are without peer.
Today I visited Mission San Xavier del Bac to light a candle for my new venture in hopes my writing will be illuminating and worthy of you, my readers. And satirical and tasteless and amusing and…
Did I mention this month is Rodeo month?
A Lady with a Parasol
A tribute to a Tucson Icon
Lady with a parasol, known to few, seen by all
what pain what sorrow what rage
sent you on your pilgrimage
Lady with a parasol, known to few, seen by all
what reason what story what novella
walks beside you ‘neath your umbrella?
Lady with a parasol, known to few, seen by all
We saw you like Sisyphus pulling your cart
What was in it? A shattered soul, a broken heart?
Lady with a parasol, known to few, seen by all
May the road you travel lead you to peace
and may your God bless you, Miss Lydia Reis.
I have enjoyed a remarkable life.
I was the Editorial Cartoonist and weekly humor columnist for The Arizona Daily Star for nearly 40-years until retiring in 2023. I continue to submit guest columns to my beloved Arizona Daily Star on a regular basis.
I am honored to be in the University of Arizona Journalism School Hall of Fame and the Arizona Daily Wildcat Hall of Fame. I have won numerous 1st Place Awards from the Arizona Press Club both for editorial cartooning and for my column writing. A recipient of the Arizona Society of Professional Journalists Silver Pen Award 2022 I was a Pulitzer Finalist in 1988 for my editorial cartoons and I was globally syndicated by Cagle Cartoons to over 700 publications until retiring my pen.
As a cartoonist I contributed my artwork to a number of books, ranging from caricatures of local celebrities for the Southern Arizona Food Bank's fundraising cookbooks, "Padre Kino's Cookbook" and "Coronado's Favorite Trail Mix" to illustrations for a delightful children's book by Dr. Marilyn Heins, "Two Arizona Blackbirds" and another book by Dr. Heins titled "A Traveler's Guide to Geriatrica", a marvelous treatise on aging well. I had the delight of illustrating "A Border Runs Through It" by folklorist "Big Jim" Griffith" and I provided cartoon portraits of every politician spotlighted in "Arizona Politicians: The Noble and the Notorious." by Jim Johnson. In 2018 The Arizona Daily Star published a collection of my cartoons aptly titled "Fitzsimmons: 30-years of cartooning by David Fitzsimmons".
I also produce an annual calendar of the Arizona Daily Star.https://store.tucson.com/product/2023-fitz-calendar/411
I love performing on stage. I cannot resist a microphone or a pad on an easel.
For a decade I was the President of the Tucson Press Club, performing regularly on stage in the annual Press Club's "Gridiron Show" which led me to try my hand at "Laff's Comedy Cafe" where I starred in or hosted sold-out shows. This led to me traveling to keynote at conferences ranging from the National Association of Realtors in Florida to the Superior Court Judges in Toronto to the Seven States Colorado River Water Users conference in Las Vegas. At that time I began writing and starring in "A Twisted Tucson Christmas", a musical parody of Dicken's "Christmas Carol", an annual fundraising hit for the Diaper Bank, performed with local celebrities to a packed house at the Fox Theater every Christmas season. Surviving a bout with cancer I took to raising funds, in honor of my mom, for our local Cancer Society's efforts to combat breast cancer. I hosted and produced "Thanks for the Mammaries" featuring comediennes and survivors telling their stories and at "Laffs" I produced and hosted a similar show called "Titters".
I have performed my unique quick sketch standup for decades, raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for charities and I have keynoted countless conferences as "Fitz the Fastest draw west of the Potomac”, performing in every conference meeting room, theater, school, and clubhouse west of the San Pedro River, not to mention Palm Springs, Seattle, Reno, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Hartford, Houston, Toronto, Beverly Hills and thousands of venues where audiences have suffered my quick sketch nonsense happily. These days I continue to perform and I am the producer and host of the "Old Pueblo Holiday Radio Show featuring the Arroyo Cafe Players" which is performed live every year at the magnificent Rialto Theater, in downtown Tucson, raising funds for causes near and dear to my heart.
And thanks to Substack I am just getting started on a new love that I hope you, my readers, will enjoy. Ever onward. Abrazos, my beloved Tucson!
